


Pack

by hedera_helix



Series: Crossing [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Werewolf, M/M, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-01-25 19:25:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 75,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12539412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedera_helix/pseuds/hedera_helix
Summary: “I know that… thing is making you feel like you shouldn’t be here,” Kenny finally starts, “but you gotta remember. This is your family, Levi. I am your family. Got it?”Levi doesn’t speak and can’t look Kenny in the eye. Flesh and blood. It still doesn’t feel like that’s all it should come down to.“This is where you grew up,” Kenny tells him, his voice so solemn it somehow borders on anger. “Where your mom grew up. You drew your first breath right in that bedroom – and if your mom hadn’t run off with you back then, it would’ve taken a lot longer for her to draw her last.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be attempting weekly updates so stay tuned!
> 
>  
> 
> my [tumblr](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com)  
> my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hederahelix_)

Levi looks up to the sky, eyes scanning the pale morning blue and he leans softly onto the porch railing – no sign of it yet. He lifts his mug of coffee closer to his face, blowing into it to raise the hot steam to warm the tip of his nose. The weather’s turning; he can see it on the frosty edges of the fallen leaves that litter the ground around the house and the trailers. The old wood of the railing makes an awful sound when Levi leans more heavily onto it and he sits down on the damp steps instead, grimacing when he takes another sip of his coffee. He doesn’t know why he bothers with the stuff, it makes him gassy as hell these days.

It’s a calm moment, the only one Levi gets before the others start waking up and making a racket. Just him and Traute who’s sitting inside somewhere, nodding off in a chair and keeping an ear out, just like Kenny instructed. Wasting her fucking time, more like. It’s not as if Levi’s about to go tearing down the path leading past the trailers. Goddamn idiots for assuming he’s even thinking about going back. Levi knows now what he’d be going back to and quite frankly he’d rather chew his own arm off than do that.

Levi lifts his gaze from the tips of his shoes when he hears the low, soft buzzing that grows louder as the drone flies closer to the house. He watches it, a lonely black speck against the washed-out blue that keeps getting bigger. It stops to hover above the grounds, inching closer to the porch and drawing lower. Levi keeps staring, swearing under his breath when he finds his hand has come up to his neck without him noticing.

Suddenly the door behind him bursts open, startling Levi badly enough to make him spill his coffee. Kenny marches out wearing nothing but a pair of jeans and biker boots, holding a shotgun in his hand. He steps up to the edge of the porch and takes aim. The gunshot rings out through the trailer park, scaring awake its residents and getting Levi to scramble to his feet; he’s still not used to the sound and it makes him nearly as angry and nervous as the dirty looks that start coming his way as soon as everyone sees what’s woken them up.

It’s a miss. The drone gathers height and disappears toward the forest, escorted by a litany of swears from Kenny.

“Fucking techie bastards,” he mutters and lights a cigarette. “What do you think you’re doing out here?”

Levi doesn’t even bother to shrug. He pours out the rest of his coffee over the railing of the porch and walks back indoors to get started on breakfast. He’s already wondering how he’ll ever be able to take a shit again in his life when he throws a couple of venison steaks onto a frying pan. Kenny follows him into the room, and Traute follows Kenny, wrapping her arms around him for the couple of seconds he lets her. Levi shudders at the sight and turns back to the meat that’s sizzling in the hot pan – another thing he just can’t seem to get used to.

“Make some more,” Kenny tells him, snatching the plate from his hands and sitting down at the table.

Levi grits his teeth but doesn’t make a sound. What would be the point?

“Does he have to be here when we eat?” Levi can hear Traute muttering to Kenny. “That stench puts me off my food.”

“Don’t be such a pussy,” Kenny grunts, his words muffled by a mouthful of partially chewed meat. “You’ll get used to it.”

“No I won’t,” Traute tells him; Levi glances back to see her snatch a piece of steak off Kenny’s plate. “You know I can’t stand the scent of any other alpha except you.”

Levi shudders when he hears Kenny’s derisive snort followed by a couple of wet smooches. All of it is more than enough to make him eat his steaks in his bedroom, sitting cross-legged on the furs on his bed. He’s sick of the taste of meat already though on that first morning he dug into the venison like he’d not had a scrap to eat in days. Now he barely manages to get it down, and it doesn’t feel nearly as nourishing as he remembered. On the other side of his bedroom door, Kenny and Traute leave the kitchen and retreat into his alpha den. Levi pops one of Kenny’s old CDs into the beat-up player just to drown out the sounds they’re making; even Kenny’s crappy taste in music is better for his sanity. Fucking _Born in the USA_. Ancient pile of shit.

Levi places his empty plate on the floor and lies down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and rubbing the back of his head though he knows it makes the scent grow stronger and why he wants to pour gasoline into that particular fire is beyond him. He breathes deep, grits his teeth and tries to focus on the music to keep himself from thinking – of Kenny and Traute, first and fucking foremost. He mouths along to the lyrics of the song for a few lines but gives up with a sigh. Nothing to do, and doing nothing is worse on his nerves than the constant hostility he feels from everyone around him. It makes him think of the stuff he wants to do: laundry, to scrub every inch of the house with bleach, to retile the whole bathroom to get rid of the mold, to air out all of the furs and pelts that have been gathering dust since before he was born, probably. But the thoughts feel intrusive and wrong here, and he can imagine well enough what Kenny would have to say about that sort of behavior – and he’ll be damned if he's going to clean up yet another one of Kenny’s messes.

Levi lowers his hand onto his stomach to scratch at an itch, then lowers it even further, grabbing himself through the worn and torn sweatpants for a second before letting go. It’d be a way to pass the time but ever since he got back he’s not been able to do it – most likely because of Kenny and Traute going at it every fucking day like a couple of dogs in heat. For a few nights Levi was afraid he’d start having those dreams again, but there’s been nothing, he wakes up every morning having dreamt of nothing at all. Guess it makes sense that his nights would be just like the days here.

Kenny bursts into his room a couple of songs later, reeking of the disgusting stuff he’s been doing with Traute. He leans onto the doorframe and lights a smoke.

“Get up, kiddo,” he says, taking a long drag off his cigarette. “I gotta get to town and I’m not good to drive.”

“The fuck’s that got to do with me?” Levi counters, feeling his anger already growing into a flood in his body. “Tell Traute to do it.”

“She’s been up all night,” Kenny barks, “and besides, she’s more drunk than I am. So get up.”

“No,” Levi snaps. “I’m not your fucking slave. And I don’t even have a license.”

“Jesus Christ,” the man huffs, his hand grabbing the doorframe. “You don’t drive a car with a piece of plastic, do you? I know you can drive so stop whining and get the fuck up.”

Levi hesitates for a moment longer before he groans and gets to his feet, knowing it’s easier to just do as Kenny says than to spend the whole day banging his head against the wall with the man. He follows his uncle out of the house and down the path, keeping his head up even when he feels the anger the others let show as soon as Kenny has walked past. They walk the whole length of the path at the end of which Levi catches the sight of Ralph sitting in a rickety lawn chair in front of the last of the trailers. He’s smoking a cigarette and he only looks up from the frosty ground when Kenny starts yelling at him; the sudden noise makes Levi flinch.

“Don’t know why you bothered dragging your useless hairy ass out of bed again this morning,” he shouts at the other man who looks away at once, all wordless anger. “Should’ve just stayed there and let yourself rot. Not like anyone wants you around – or needs you for anything. Useless piece of shit.”

They continue walking and when Levi glances behind himself, he sees Ralph skulking back inside his trailer. He follows Kenny over to the rusty pile of shit of a pick-up truck and gets on the driver’s seat, grabbing the keys when Kenny passes them to him; his hand is shaking when he turns them in the ignition. It’s been a while since he’s driven a car and Levi hopes to god he remembers how and that he doesn’t get pulled over. The last thing he needs, to get into trouble with the police. They’d probably drag CPS into it and everything, and Levi’s had enough of them for a whole lifetime.

“Gotta stop by a friend’s place and pick up some beer after that,” Kenny tells him, pausing for a moment before adding, “You need to go anywhere?”

“No,” Levi mutters and tries to focus on the road though his mind is hurriedly wondering why Kenny would ask him something like that.

“No?” Kenny asks him, falling quiet for another moment. “You don’t need to see a doctor or anything?”

“The fuck would I need to see a doctor for?”

Levi catches Kenny’s shrugs from the corner of his eye. “Thought maybe there was something wrong with you. Like maybe that cradle-robbing alpha ripped you open from your sack to your asshole or–”

“No!” Levi howls at once and shudders at the choice of words. “No, no one did anything to me! Jesus fucking–”

“Well alright then,” Kenny interrupts him. “Just my job to look after you. It’s not like I wanna think about that stuff but if your mom was alive she’d rip my throat out for not asking, you know.”

“Yeah right,” Levi mutters and shakes his head. “Fucking nasty, you know that? Jesus…”

They both stay quiet for a while before Kenny says, “Better this way. Couldn’t afford a doctor anyway.”

Levi scoffs and keeps his eyes on the road ahead, following Kenny’s directions to a run-down two-story block of apartments. The man goes indoors for a good fifteen minutes and Levi waits for him in the car, fingers drumming the steering wheel while his gaze scans the parking lot. Not much to see, just a couple of old drunks sitting by the side of the building with their asses hanging out. Still a better place to live than the trailer park.

They stop by a convenience store on their way back so Kenny can get his beer; he cracks one open before they’ve even reached the car and offers one to Levi who refuses by shaking his head. The last thing he fucking needs is to be drunk while driving without a license. They pass a police car not far from the main road and Levi nearly breaks his teeth biting them together from how nervous it makes him.

“Looks like the cradle-robber left your ass alone,” Kenny mutters and belches, “and ripped out your balls instead.”

Levi doesn’t reply, thinking it best to just drive back to the house and go to his room where he doesn’t need to deal with Kenny’s nonsense. Where he can do nothing – but at least when he does, he takes a can of beer with him. He drinks it sitting on his bed, staring at the wall. He’s so bored he even misses school. He’d trade the beer for any of the books on that stupid reading list in a second.

 

It takes him another two days to get so fed up with the boredom that he gives up and starts cleaning up the house and to his surprise Kenny says nothing about it other than that it keeps Levi out of trouble – and out of the way of everyone else in the pack, Levi guesses – and that the stench of bleach is better than the way Levi usually smells. Even after all the work he puts into it, the house doesn’t feel clean and it’s probably because he’s left all of Kenny’s crap untouched like he ordered – and because the whole place stinks of disgusting rutting and all that vile stuff that goes on in Kenny’s room. Levi wishes he could escape it to the open air but Kenny doesn’t let him go further than the porch. Levi doesn’t know why he bothers keeping him on such a short leash. Clearly he thinks on some level Levi’s still planning some great escape, like he wants to go back to being ignored and treated like trailer park trash. Well, it’s not Levi’s job to set Kenny straight; the man’s free to waste his time however he wants.

And still he watches the drone flying over the trailer park a couple of times a week from the porch, always up early enough to see it approaching over the tops of the trees. Kenny tries to shoot it down but misses every time and manages to annoy Levi even more since he can’t figure out why it makes him so relieved to see the drone flying away undamaged. It doesn’t stop Traute from thinking Kenny’s the bees fucking knees – but it seems he’s already growing sick of having her constantly glued to his skin.

“Get a fucking grip, woman,” Kenny tells her irritably one morning, pushing her away with his elbow. “I get that you don’t know what to do with yourself without me but I need my fucking space.”

She walks away without complaining, but Levi can sense she’s upset and angry, and Levi doesn’t blame her. He’s never understood why she’s stuck around for as long as she has with how Kenny treats her – he supposes she thinks it all balances out somehow through her being the only one Kenny really trusts. Still she’s obviously more annoyed than pleased when Kenny tells her just that and orders her to stay at the trailer park with Levi when the rest of the pack leaves for a hunt.

“Don’t you start bitching and moaning about it,” Kenny growls at her when she complains. “You know I can’t take him with. And I need someone keeping an eye on that son of a bitch Ralph too.”

So when everyone else transforms and disappears into the forest, Levi’s left behind with Ralph and Traute who sits sullenly in Kenny’s chair on the porch, drinking beer. Levi sees her through the kitchen window while he does the dishes, spotting Ralph crossing the yard soon after the others have left. He disappears around the corner of the house but Levi can hear him lighting a fire in the cooking pit. He’s still sitting by it when Levi joins Traute on the porch.

“Sad sack of shit,” Traute mutters, glancing at Ralph. “You can bet he misses it.”

Levi grabs himself a beer but says nothing to Traute, just looks over at the man hunched over the flames. Since Levi came back to the trailer park, he’s not seen Ralph permitted anywhere near the cooking pit until long after the fire has died down to embers. He takes a long swig of his beer and grimaces.

“Kenny should’ve driven him out,” Traute mutters and spits over the railing. “Your uncle’s heart’s too good, it’ll get him into trouble one day.”

Levi snorts loudly but doesn’t speak. Kenny’s heart’s too good? The bitch must be joking. If there’s anything left in Kenny’s chest, it’s a shriveled-up plum pit looking thing about to crumble and turn into ash.

“Never saw such a disrespectful brat,” Traute tells him angrily. “Kenny was worried sick about you, you know that? And he could’ve left you there with those fucking freaks but he didn’t ‘cause you’re family, his flesh and blood. I told him plenty of times he shouldn’t bother but he just cares about you too damn much.”

Levi snorts again.

“If he really cared about me he’d let me go back to school,” he says but Traute laughs.

“The fuck are you gonna do with school?” she asks. “You think anyone here went to high school? You think your mom did?”

“If they had, maybe they wouldn’t be dealing meth and living in fucking trailers,” Levi points out, making the woman crunch up her beer can and throw it over the railing; it bothers Levi, the way it just sits there on the ground.

“I told Kenny,” Traute mutters. “I told him you’re just like your mother, thinking you’re too good for our pack. I told him you’d run off sooner or later just like she did but he wouldn’t listen. Just said you’re family and that family sticks together, and that he needed to get you back where you belong.”

Levi keeps quiet and drinks the rest of his beer. Family. What a fucking joke. As if Kenny sent CPS after Levi out of some overwhelming concern over his wellbeing. After seeing how Erwin runs his pack, Levi knows Kenny isn’t the type to put other people’s needs before his own and that he’s not doing it now either – not for him, not for Traute, and not for anyone else in the pack. At least Erwin did it for most people, for everyone else but Levi. All that shit about family that Kenny’s suddenly spewing sounds fake as hell, as if a bit of shared blood is all it fucking takes, like that alone is supposed to tie you to other people for the rest of your life.

And still when the hunting party returns and drives Ralph away from the cook fire, Levi knows if Kenny wasn’t his uncle, it’d be him skulking off to the farthest trailer to return only once everyone else is gone to eat whatever scraps they’ve left behind. Because of Kenny, Levi’s allowed to join the others, though they keep their distance and narrow their eyes at him, low growls building up in their throats and staying there. Levi elbows his way to the fire to get his share of the meat and eats it in the kitchen; not as if he wants to spend any time with those fucking junkies anyway. Kenny joins him a couple minutes later and hands him a beer from the fridge.

“You go hunting with them?” Kenny asks after a long silence, something hesitant in his voice until he sees Levi’s shrug and scoffs. “They got a lot of prey?”

“Enough,” Levi replies; the memory of the deer carcasses helps his food go down easier if nothing else.

“They have some kind of hippie orgy afterwards or something?”

Levi thinks of the showers and shudders. “I already told you, they’re not like that,” he says to Kenny quietly and shoves the rest of his steak into his mouth.

“Well what are they like then?” Kenny demands, scoffing over a mouthful of beer when Levi shrugs, wondering why the man bothers asking. Should just leave the whole thing be and pretend it never happened.  

“I don’t know,” he says; he doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to remember any of it. “Normal.”

“You think we’re not normal?” Kenny asks him and he rolls his eyes.

“Did I say that?” he barks at the man. “Why the fuck do you even care so much what they’re like?”

Kenny stays quiet and drinks the rest of his beer before closing the can inside his fist and burping. “I don’t care,” he mutters, gaze sweeping the cupboards like he’s trying not to look at Levi. “Just thought maybe some weird shit went down and you need a shrink or something.”

“I told you,” Levi growls again, sipping his beer, “no one did anything to me.”

Except fed him and gave him his own room in their house. Let him walk the dogs and help cook and clean, to feel useful. Made sure he got into a good school and helped him with all his homework. Made sure he wouldn’t get sick and die.

The thought makes a stinging ache nestle somewhere in Levi’s chest for a moment before he drives it out and grits his teeth.

Edith did all that. Erwin just made him feel like shit. Piece of shit snob, always acting like Levi was some idiot brat he was forced to keep fed and housed, always doing the bare minimum with him and never with the others. And it’s not as if Erwin ever actually wanted him in his pack or grew to like him or even accept him. And Edith was probably just happy to have another charity case on her hands, something to take up her time so she didn’t need to start knitting or some shit.

Kenny grunts and nods. “Makes me wonder what the fuck that creep claimed you for,” he says. “Glad it wasn’t that, in any case.”

There’s something expectant in the silence that follows and Levi wonders if Kenny’s planning the question, trying to word it right in his head, maybe trying to find some word other than “faggot” for it. Ever since he figured it out for himself, Levi’s known he won’t volunteer the information – just never marry anyone and let people draw their own conclusions. He’s not sure how much Kenny minds it, just that he does. Not enough to kick Levi out, that much is clear; maybe not even enough to ever say anything about it.

“I know that… thing is making you feel like you shouldn’t be here,” Kenny finally starts, again leaving that question unasked, “but you gotta remember. _This_ is your family, Levi. I am your family. Got it?”

Levi doesn’t speak and can’t look Kenny in the eye. Flesh and blood. It still doesn’t feel like that’s all it should come down to.

“This is where you grew up,” Kenny tells him, his voice so solemn it somehow borders on anger. “Where your mom grew up. You drew your first breath right in that bedroom – and if your mom hadn’t run off with you back then, it would’ve taken a lot longer for her to draw her last.”

Levi glances at the closed door and tries to imagine it, his mother giving birth to him, but he knows nothing about… any of that. He wonders if she was alone when it happened, if she was scared and in pain. Kenny sure as hell didn’t help her – probably told her to shut the hell up. He takes a sweeping glance at those memories too, the blurry recollections where the rooms are always cold but his mother’s skin is always clammy and sweaty, where he’s always hungry, where his mother doesn’t sing him to sleep anymore and the only sounds he hears are of traffic and sirens in the distance. He pushes them away almost as soon as he thinks them. Fucking Kenny. What the fuck does he need to drag all that up for?

“She knew she shouldn’t have gotten herself knocked up by that good-for-nothing son of a bitch,” Kenny goes on rambling, making Levi even more angry and uneasy, “but she wanted to keep you. I damn near forced her to get rid of you, even drove her to the clinic one time but she’d made up her mind.”

Levi sneers. It doesn’t surprise him that Kenny would’ve done that. He must’ve flipped his shit when he found out his sister had been getting it on with someone outside the pack.

“Anyway,” Kenny says, sighing heavily and standing up. “I’m glad she had, for whatever it’s worth.”

He ruffles Levi’s hair as he walks past him to the fridge, sniffing his hand and swearing before he picks up another can of beer.

“Jesus,” he whispers. “There’s no getting used to that, is there? Goddamn reeks.”

Levi stays in the kitchen and does the dishes, looking absently at his reflection in the window. The smell of dish soap makes him think of Edith, and not want to think about her at the same time, just like he doesn’t want to think about his mother. It would’ve been better if he’d never known either one of them, if his mom had died giving birth to him and if he’d never ran across the border and if Kenny had been the only parent he’d ever had. You can’t miss what you don’t know. Can’t get hurt by things you don’t remember.

Maybe for a moment Levi managed to convince himself that he’d forgotten about her, that he couldn’t bring back those memories of her talking nonsense and acting like she didn’t know who he was. _What’s in the past can only hurt you if you let it._ That’s what Kenny told him when he brought him back to the trailer park a decade ago, dropping that wide-brimmed hat onto his head. Levi has tried his best to live by that; but now his lungs feel like they’re full of lead and he has to press the sharp edge of a knife into the palm of his hand to get that picture out of his head. He brings his hand to his face to watch the cut slowly disappearing, like a line drawn on water, and suddenly he doesn’t understand why he did that. He washes and dries the knife quickly and takes the rest of his beer with him to his room, drinking it in a few hasty gulps. He tells himself it’s going to help him fall asleep, but he lies awake until the early hours, grinding his teeth together while he fights against all the things he doesn’t want to think about.

 

Sleepless nights follow each other after that. They’re full of restless pacing and tossing and turning, listening to the quiet sounds Traute makes when she wanders around the house. Most mornings Levi’s still awake when the drone flies by and when he drags his ass to bed afterwards, he thinks about how Erwin’s just starting his day, sitting in his office with his thermos cup full of coffee, going over the video feed from the drone on his laptop. The image makes Levi’s anger twist around his guts, hot and painful. The idiot should just stop pretending to give a shit. The fuck’s he doing it for _now_? It’s not as if he bothered when Levi was actually living under his roof.

When he finally manages to fall asleep, Levi doesn’t stir until it’s past midday and even after getting up he loiters around the house without so much as stepping out to the porch – until one day he wakes up to someone banging the front door with their fist. There’s commotion in the trailer park, Levi can hear people getting out of their trailers and Kenny stumbling over things to get to the door to answer it. Once he’s managed to get into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, Levi walks over to the porch, his pulse quickening when he spots the three police squad cars on the sparse lawn and Kenny talking with officer Aiblinger on the steps. He stays by the door and listens to them, stepping aside when Traute stumbles through the door wearing nothing but one of Kenny’s old AC/DC t-shirts.

“The fuck’s going on?” she asks Kenny who lights a cigarette angrily.

“Drug bust,” he growls, looking across the yard at the five other officers who are still standing by their cars.

“Shit!” Traute hisses, folding her arms, her gaze shifting nervously around the porch. “The fuck? Who–”

“Anonymous tip,” Aiblinger interrupts her, spitting onto the ground. “Came in this morning.”

Levi feels his pulse quickening at the words. Anonymous. Someone who wants to get Kenny into trouble. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out, and from the way Kenny’s glaring at him, Levi gets he’s worked it out too.

“It’s a shit show for sure, but it doesn’t have to be a fucking disaster,” Aiblinger tells Kenny, lowering his voice. “I’ll send my guys to check out wherever’s safe and take care of the rest myself.”

Kenny grunts in agreement. “Thanks, Denny,” he says, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “I owe you one.”

“Yeah, I’ll be cashing it in later,” Aiblinger says, glancing behind himself. “You better hope this is a one-time thing, Kenny.”

“Someone else better hope that too,” Kenny mutters under his breath; when the wind turns, Levi catches a pungent scent of anger that pierces the cigarette smoke and makes his insides twist.

They all stay on the porch and watch the police officers move from one trailer to the next. They take a good couple of hours, long enough for Levi to slip back indoors and make himself some coffee that he drinks sitting on the steps, listening in on the officers to keep from hearing Kenny and Traute’s angry muttering at the end of the porch. Not that what they’re saying is much nicer to hear. _Can you believe someone lives like this? These people ever hear of getting a job? God, it fucking stinks in here._

In the end they leave without finding anything, which Levi guesses isn’t what Erwin had in mind. Guess if it had worked out Levi would’ve been out of the trailer park faster than Kenny could light a smoke. He wonders if Erwin spotted something in the drone footage that gave him the idea or if he just took a guess. Maybe if he did catch something on film, he could show it to the police and they’d send over one of Aiblinger’s higher ups, or even report it to the feds or something. For a second Levi allows himself to think Erwin’s going through all that trouble because he’s really trying to get him out of the trailer park until he realizes it’s most likely Edith’s idea that she’s pressured Erwin to carry out. They should both just stop before all the crap they’re pulling lands Kenny in prison – or at least wait the couple of months till Levi’s eighteen so he can take off as soon as it happens and go lone wolf instead of dealing with any of this shit. Just because it turned out bad for his mom doesn’t mean he can’t make it work.

On the third day from the raid when the drone returns suddenly to hover over the lawn, Kenny’s aim saves Levi the trouble of feeling like shit because of it anymore – and still he picks up the pieces of the broken machine into a plastic bag. He stuffs the bag under his bed, feeling that heaviness settling in his chest again as soon as he lies down to sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be attempting weekly updates so stay tuned!
> 
>  
> 
> my [tumblr](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com)  
> my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hederahelix_)

The gunshots ring out in the quarry, their echoes skipping from rock to rock and drowning out the soft jingling of broken glass. Levi breaks open the barrel of the shotgun and pops out the shells before handing the weapon back to Kenny.

“That ain’t no BB gun,” the man says and laughs, and Levi smiles too.

“That kick back was pretty sick,” he admits, looking over at the remains of the bottle he shot. “Was afraid it was gonna throw off my aim for a second.”

“That’s why you gotta practice,” Kenny tells him, loading the shotgun again and firing two rapid rounds. Another bottle goes down, but the second shot is a miss.

“Fucking amazing teacher you are,” Levi mutters and snorts, laughing at the look on Kenny’s face. “I bet even Traute would do this better than you.”

“Don’t get smart,” Kenny orders, sliding out the shells that are still smoking a little. “She’d need a couple drinks first to keep her hands steady.”

The man sits down on the big, flat rock behind them and Levi follows his example, pulling his gloves back on when the cold starts to bite at his fingers. When Kenny hands him a bottle of whisky he accepts it eagerly, taking a couple of small sips that burn his throat and make him cough. Kenny laughs at that and takes a long swig, exhaling heavily before putting the bottle back into the inside pocket of his leather jacket.

“Remember when you were just a kid and I used to bring you out here to shoot at beer cans?” the man asks Levi without looking at him. “After a while you used to whine about it until I’d take you.”

“I remember,” Levi says, thinking back to it. It seemed like the only thing that made him feel better back then, maybe because Kenny always made sure he was focused on what he was doing, and that left no time to think about anything else or to feel anything at all.

“Bet _they_ wouldn’t let you do stuff like this.”

No need to ask who Kenny’s talking about, and Levi agrees in a quiet grunt but doesn’t think about the statement any further. Instead he picks a pebble off the ground and throws it down into the pit that stands a dozen yards away. Kenny follows his throw with an even bigger rock and takes another large gulp out of his bottle.

“You think guns are fun?” he asks Levi who nods and shrugs. “For people like us that’s what they’re mainly for. Don’t need them for hunting, you know, so you can just enjoy them.”

“I wouldn’t want to hunt with one,” Levi says. “Seems kind of lame to kill something from a distance.”

“One day I’ll take you out hunting again with the others,” Kenny promises and though Levi doesn’t believe it, he says nothing. “Could’ve really used you out there last time. Everyone else is so fucking slow.”

Levi keeps himself from thinking about hunting by focusing on the wealth of fresh, cold air around him. It feels good to be outside again, to be able to stretch his legs and get out of the house where the smell from his scar keeps filling the small space of his bedroom to the point where he feels like he can barely breathe. Though he knows once they go back to the house he’ll feel like the walls are about to cave in on him, Levi allows himself to enjoy this. He’ll go back to not feeling anything at all soon enough anyway.

“Your mom wouldn’t have liked me teaching you all this stuff,” Kenny goes on and Levi lets him, though he wishes the man wouldn’t start with that again. “We used to shoot BBs as kids back in the day but at some point she got this crazy idea that guns were bad or something. She had a lot of crazy ideas back then.”

A part of Levi wants to ask what kind of crazy ideas, but there’s more of him that doesn’t want to know anything about his mother he didn’t already know before. Why Kenny keeps bringing her up all the time now is beyond him anyway. It’s not like the man ever talked about her before. Levi glances at the empty shotgun shells on the ground and wonders if knowing his mom wouldn’t have approved makes him feel any differently about this. He’d probably still be out here with Kenny even if his mom was alive, just for the fun of it. But then, so many things would be different if she was. 

They drink more whisky and shoot another couple of rounds even though they’ve run out of bottles and Levi’s head is starting to spin a little from the liquor. The walk back to the house is quiet, like suddenly neither one of them knows how to enjoy the other’s company anymore. Levi can sense Kenny growing sourer by the minute and he wonders if it’s because the man is picking up on his own bad mood. It seems to annoy Kenny for some reason to see Levi lying in bed all day doing nothing, like he expected things to be different somehow, like he thought Levi would be like he was before. Levi can’t get himself to care about it too much. Kenny can feel whatever the fuck he wants.

The further they get from the rock quarry, the more Levi feels that heaviness returning to his chest. It seems to be slowing him down, pouring down to his feet until he’s little more than shuffling along after Kenny, who stops every once in a while to wait for him, always a little more annoyed than the last time. Levi’s just about to drag his feet up the steps to the backdoor when a quiet, breathy barking sounds out behind him.

“Hulk?”

He sees the dog walking along the path they were just following, stopping at the tree line until Levi lets out a quiet whistle. The old German shepherd limps his way over to him tiredly, waving his tail in a wide, lazy arch when Levi squats down to pet his head.

“Hey, boy,” he says to the old dog who sniffs at his face eagerly and whines. “What’re you doing here?”

“Whose dog is it?” Kenny asks behind him, lighting a cigarette.

“It’s one of theirs,” Levi says, still petting Hulk who lies down beside him and plops his head down on his lap; the words are the final nail on the coffin of Kenny’s once good mood. “He must’ve run away and walked here.”

Kenny swears and starts walking down the stairs, scaring Hulk back onto his paws. Levi kneels on the ground to get closer to him and to whisper soothing things that don’t help Hulk feel less scared of Kenny. When the man tries to step off the stairs, Hulk warns him off with a growl that Kenny answers in kind.

“The fuck am I supposed to do with it?” the man asks, scowling at the dog from under the brim of his hat. “I’m not gonna waste my money feeding it. Should take it behind the shed and put it down. The thing’s fucking old enough anyway.”

“They’d sue you for that for sure,” Levi tells him, keeping his voice calm for Hulk’s sake. “Their dogs are like their kids.”

“Of course they fucking are,” Kenny mutters, spitting on the ground. “Fucking hippies.”

“You should take him back,” Levi says, though the thought of having Hulk stay gives him a second of comfort. “They’ll wonder where he is. They’ll come looking for him.”

“You think I’ve got the time to drive around returning their fucking mongrels?” Kenny snaps. “They want it back they better come get it themselves.”

“It might take them a while to notice he’s missing,” Levi points out, one hand constantly fluffing out the soft, billowy fur on Hulk’s chest. “You should at least call–”

“And rack up my phone bill for their peace of mind? Fuck that,” Kenny decides, taking a deep drag off his cigarette. “If they want it back they can come and get it. You can try and keep it alive till then if you want.”

Like somehow understanding Kenny’s words, Hulk starts wagging his tail slowly and licking Levi’s face; it almost manages to make him laugh. He scratches the dog behind his ears, calling him up the stairs with him to the kitchen where he gives him some water and a cut up piece of venison.

“Good boy,” Levi tells him when he’s managed to jump up onto his bed in his room later. “You walked pretty far, didn’t you?”

Hulk lies down on the furs and exhales, laying his head down on Levi’s foot. He reaches over to pet him on the head and he whines a little.

“Everyone will be really worried about you,” he keeps talking, just because it feels nice to have someone to talk to who’s not Kenny or Traute. “They’ll probably track you over to the border when they notice you’re gone.”

The thought that someone from the pack would have to come over to the trailer park to fetch Hulk makes the heaviness in Levi’s chest grow worse. He wonders if it’s all another one of Erwin’s plans, a reason for him to come over himself and check out the situation – though he still doesn’t understand why the man would bother. Levi lies down on his bed next to Hulk and scratches the big dog’s stomach absently, trying to keep himself from thinking. It was easier when he was angry, when he could drown all of that under the hot twisting rage in his gut. All this feeling nothing is worse, there’s nothing he can keep throwing on the graves of all those things that are now resurfacing. Fucking Kenny, bringing up his mother all the time like Levi’s asked to hear about her. For a second he even wants to curse Hulk for showing up and bringing it all back to his mind, but looking at the dog’s big paws and dark eyes, he doesn’t have the heart.

“It’s not your fault, is it?” Levi says and pets Hulk, smiling when he lets out a soft growl. “Guess you must’ve missed me or something.”

And he misses the dogs. It’s the one thing he can admit to himself he misses.

 

It takes Kenny a couple of hours to change his mind and realize he doesn’t want anyone from the Smith pack coming over and snooping around the trailer park. When he comes and tells Levi he’ll be taking Hulk back himself, Levi doesn’t ask to go with even though the alternative is staying in the house with Traute – seems like it would do more harm than good anyway. Kenny wakes Traute up before he leaves by banging on the door of his bedroom and she emerges swearing like a sailor and demanding Levi make her some coffee for being such a fucking nuisance. Levi doesn’t bother responding. He watches Kenny wrangling Hulk onto the back seat of the pick-up and driving away. For a moment he really thought that would make him feel sad or whatever, but in the end it changes nothing.

“Move,” Traute barks at him and Levi steps mutely aside.

He slouches back to his room to lie on the bed and it’s still all he can do to keep himself from thinking about his miserable piece of shit life. He wants to be anywhere else and nowhere, to be living his life alone out there in the world and to not exist all at once. He wonders if his mom ever lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling like he is now, feeling like absolute shit – then he bites his own tongue for thinking it. The pain doesn’t last long enough and the wheel of thoughts keeps turning. Not here, not there, not anywhere. Not this pack, not that pack, not any pack. Lone wolves don’t make it. His mother didn’t.

After a while Levi grows tired of lying still and he gives his itching hands something to do by pulling the pieces of the broken drone out from under his bed. He’s been playing around with them ever since Kenny shot the thing out of the sky, trying to take it apart and put it back together again. He even used one of Kenny’s lighters to weld together two pieces of a rotor blade; the fumes and the burning of his thumb give him momentary relief. He continues with it even when he hears Kenny coming back a good couple hours later, and doesn’t leave his room until he can’t block out the man’s swearing anymore. He’s sitting at the kitchen table with Traute fussing over a smear of dried blood on his face.

“The fuck happened to you?” Levi asks and judging by the look on the man’s face it would’ve been better if he’d kept his mouth shut.

“That fucking bitch threw a flower pot at me,” Kenny growls, shoving Traute’s hands away when she tries to clean up the blood. “Fucking hippies. Should’ve shot their stupid dog.”

Levi can’t help letting out an ugly snorting laughter at the thought of Edith chasing Kenny off her property with the little clay pots she grows her seedlings in. The sound sets off both Kenny and Traute who chase him back to his room with a litany of swears. Hours later Levi can still hear them cursing out the whole Smith pack with their yuppie cars and their stupid rescue dogs.

“Good thing I got the brat the hell out of there,” Kenny mutters to Traute once he’s calmed down a little. “Those people think they’re better than we are. You can smell it on them. Couldn’t have left him to be treated like that, no matter what he says.”

“He’s where he belongs now,” Traute says and Kenny agrees with a grunt.

“He’s so much like his mom, you know,” he tells her and sighs. “All those dumbass ideas. Couldn’t keep her out of trouble but I’ll be damned if I let him go the same way.”

 

Kenny’s mood is made worse a couple days later when the police show up at the trailer park thanks to another anonymous tip. The man has expected it, Levi can tell from the way his annoyance isn’t laced with even a hint of nervousness – but now it seems Aiblinger is feeling the heat for both of them. He comes back later that same day and tells Kenny in no uncertain terms to get the situation in hand if he expects any more help from him.

“Fucking asshole,” Kenny curses him as soon as he’s out the door again. “Acting like I owe him a goddamn thing.”

The whole thing leaves Levi confused. He doesn’t understand what Erwin is bothering with this shit for if not for some petty revenge. He wouldn’t put it past an alpha, even one as fucking “evolved” and shit as Erwin. Maybe Kenny pissed them off with something he did or said. Levi wouldn’t put that past him either.

“You see what kind of trouble you’re causing me?” Kenny barks at him from between gulps of whisky. “You could at least have the decency to pretend to be sorry instead of sulking all the goddamn time like a fucking brat!”

Levi doesn’t bother replying. Why the fuck should he feel sorry? It’s not as if he made Kenny get himself all mixed up in this shady shit. And it’s not as if the whole thing with the bite wasn’t more an accident than anything else, just a stupid little mistake. Not like Levi was asking for it, and not like he should be the one to apologize.

 

Days go by and nothing happens. In the end Levi doesn’t even bother trying to put the drone back together anymore – it’s not as if he’s planning on returning it, and it’s not as if Erwin can’t just go out and buy himself a new one. The only thing that breaks the routine is Farlan calling the house late one night. Levi keeps talking to him though he’s not in the mood and can barely bring himself to answer Farlan’s questions with anything more than grunts and monosyllables.

“How’s school?” the boy asks and Levi physically cringes. “Guess no one’s really helping you out much over there.”

Levi doesn’t speak, hearing Farlan’s realization in the long silence and the disappointed sigh.

“Levi–”

“It’s okay, you know,” Levi tells him in a dull monotone. “It’s not as if I was ever gonna go to college so… You know. Not a big loss for anyone.”

He can sense Farlan’s dying to say something, but in the end he guesses the boy thinks it’s more merciful not to.

“You still thinking about taking off?” he asks Levi instead. “When you turn eighteen?”

Levi gives the question a few seconds of thought and wishes Farlan could hear his shrug over the phone.

“I don’t know,” he finally mutters, thinking about his mother. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

His vague statement is followed by even more silence, but this time it feels different, like Farlan’s nervous, anticipating something.

“Do you want me to…” he starts, lowering his voice. “Do you want me to get in touch with Erwin? Maybe he could help–”

The door to Kenny’s bedroom flies open and the man marches out, walks across the living room and unplugs the phone by yanking on the cord. Levi jumps to his feet and throws the receiver on the floor; the old plastic shatters like glass.

“I was on the fucking phone you asshole!” he shouts at Kenny who’s reeling in the cord and picking the remnants of the phone up from the side table. “What? You’re not even gonna let me talk to my friends anymore?!”

“You could stand to do a lot less talking with _that_ one,” Kenny tells him angrily, waving the broken receiver in his hand. “And who do you think’s gonna pay to get this fixed?! The fucking tooth fairy?”

“I don’t give a shit about your piece of shit phone!” Levi yells. “Stop being such a massive fucking creep and watching and listening to everything I fucking do! I mean Jesus, it’s not like I’m spying on you while you’re in there making that alkie bitch moan like a cheap–”

“Don’t you talk about her that way!” Kenny barks, pointing one of his long bony fingers at Levi’s face. “I oughta teach you some respect!”

“What? You’re gonna smack me around?” Levi asks and laughs when he sees Kenny backing away. “Fucking pussy. You don’t have it in you, do you?”

Levi can see Kenny’s jaw clenching but in the end he just takes the phone and walks back into his bedroom. Levi does the same, throwing himself down on his bed for five seconds before he jumps up and starts taking his anger out on anything his hands can reach. He gets little out of it besides a fucking mess and a pair of leaden arms that hang off the side of his bed when he finally lies down again. For a couple of minutes he thinks the breathless feeling in his chest is caused by his rampage, but after a while he feels the lead climbing up his arms and into his lungs, settling there and keeping him awake till the early hours of the morning.

It seems Kenny feels sorry about the whole thing – not that he says it, but one evening after being out all day he comes back to the house with a banged-up flat screen that’s seen better days. He sets it up swearing and growling, looking at Levi and Traute afterwards like he’s some big man of the house. She buys it – Levi doesn’t. Still, it’s not worse than having nothing to do, though most of the channels spew out complete shit.

“We can watch the game next weekend,” Kenny tells Levi, sounding almost excited. “You like football, don’t you?”

Levi answers with a dismissive shrug and turns back to the TV where a bunch of people are trying to make money selling dead people’s junk. The only thing it’s good for is taking Levi’s mind off Thanksgiving. He’s been hoping Kenny would want to keep it low key, to avoid bringing the whole pack together like that – there’s enough tension in the trailer park without forcing everyone into the same small space for a whole day.

No such luck.

Levi plants himself in front of the television as early as he can, lifting his legs up on the sofa too to claim more space even though no one looks like they want to join him. He can feel the way they look at him, the glares make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up while he tries to focus on the parades and other boring shit on the screen. He can hear Kenny outside deep-frying the turkey and Traute sweating nervously over some sweet potatoes in the kitchen; bitch couldn’t boil water to save her life.

“Shouldn’t you be cleaning the toilet or something?” Djel mutters at Levi, showing up suddenly to lean against the backrest of the sofa and watch the TV.

“Shouldn’t you be sucking Ralph’s cock in his trailer?” Levi replies without looking away from the screen. “Sure he’s feeling real lonely out there.”

“You’re a mouthy brat,” the man growls. “Too mouthy for your own good.”

“At least I use mine for talking.”

“Guess you’re the only one who doesn’t have to use his to breathe through,” Djel snarls. “Bet you love that stench coming off yourself.”

Levi scoffs but can’t think of anything to say. He only really notices it when someone points it out, or when he’s around Kenny for long periods of time. He can tell from Djel’s derisive snort that he knows he’s one-upped Levi with his comment.

“Don’t know how anyone will be able to keep their food down with you at the table,” he mutters and stands to leave. “Should’ve stayed with the perverts. You’ve got no place here anymore.”

“Fuck you,” Levi snaps, ready to get up and jump at Djel when the front door opens and Kenny walks in. The sight drives Djel to the kitchen and when Kenny sits down on the sofa next to Levi, he doesn’t mention anything to his uncle.

The game starts while the turkey finishes cooking, and Levi and Kenny watch it in silence. It’s not the worst way to spend his time, though Levi doesn’t give a shit which team wins, and he’s never been big on football in general. Seems to him Kenny feels the same way and for a moment he wonders why they bother with this in the first place. It’s not like Kenny to care about doing things just for the sake of them being things people usually do. Maybe the reason is something Levi doesn’t know about; maybe Kenny used to watch the game with his “old man”, the abusive piece of shit drunk Kenny drove out of the pack and the trailer park himself one night when he’d finally had enough of his shit show. Maybe watching the game together is the only good memory he has of the man.

“Your mom liked watching football,” Kenny suddenly says, taking a swig out of his can of beer.

Levi can’t help sighing. This shit again.

“She did?” he asks anyway, his voice showing the exasperation he feels; Kenny doesn’t pick up on it.

“Yeah,” he says, pointing at the screen. “We had this old piece of crap TV, easily fifteen years old. The screen kept going blank and your mom kept losing her mind. Every year.”

“Right,” Levi says and they both fall quiet again, staying that way until it’s time to eat.

Levi takes his place in the line and feels a quick shiver running down his spine when he notices the huge amount of space that forms immediately behind him. He chooses to act like he doesn’t see it and grabs himself a paper plate from the stack, slouching after Traute to fill it with food though he’s not hungry and nothing smells like something he wants to eat. He’s walking to the table when his foot catches on something, driving him off balance and forcing him to stumble to stay standing. His plate flies out of his hands and lands on the floor; when he straightens out his posture, he steps on his slice of turkey. Just a quick glance later Levi knows what’s happened: Djel.

He bounds at the man fists first, landing a good couple of punches before Djel grabs him by the throat. The next thing he knows someone even stronger clutches him by the neck and pulls him away, shoving him in the chest and almost making him trip over a chair. He looks up and sees Kenny holding Djel to the wall from the collars of his hoodie, teeth bared, his wide-brimmed hat fallen on the floor.

“You touch my nephew again and I’ll tear out your throat, d’you understand me?”

Djel looks like he’s trying to speak but when he can’t get the words out past Kenny’s hand on his throat, he nods meekly instead, slumping on the floor when Kenny finally lets go of him.

“Clean that up,” he tells the man and points at the remnants of Levi’s Thanksgiving dinner. “We’ll give it to your buddy Ralph so you better not waste anything.”

 

After the dinner Kenny sends Levi out with the food, no doubt just to fuck with Ralph even more than he already has. The man slouches over to the porch and takes one sniff at his food before cursing loudly and spitting onto the ground. For a few seconds Levi can sense he wants to say something, but in the end he just takes the plate and walks back to his trailer; Levi can see him already tearing into the turkey while he’s still within reach of the flickering beam of his flashlight.

Levi stays outside to give himself a moment to breathe and looks into the kitchen through the window; nothing but unhappy faces around the table, frowns and locked jaws and gritted teeth. A couple people are nodding off in their chairs – Traute worst of all – and Levi knows he’ll never be able to escape that link between the smell of bourbon and vodka and the holidays.

Turning away, Levi walks the length of the porch to keep his mind blank, then skips down the stairs to walk around the house, but there’s no escaping the image that floods his mind. The pack gathered around the long table in the cavernous dining room, the table laid with real plates and napkins made out of real cloth and folded into swans or some stupid shit like that. Erwin standing at the end of the table carving slices out of an enormous turkey – though Levi knows they probably eat tofu or seitan or some shit. Fucking hippies. Afterwards they’ll probably play charades or watch a family movie with all the pups sitting on pillows on the living room floor, and Edith will make them all ice cream sundaes. Fucking perfect.

And it’s not as if Levi wants that. That kind of crap is for real families who actually like spending time with each other and like doing mushy shit like that. He was never going to fit in someplace like that, even if he’d been given the chance. And with all the anger burned out, he can’t blame Erwin for any of it either. No wonder he didn’t want someone like Levi in his pack. The whole thing was so fucked up from the beginning it was never going to get good just by them forcing it.

He’s just about to walk up the steps to the backdoor to join the others when the dim glow of his flashlight catches something under the trees – something huge that looks nearly white against the darkness. Levi feels his heart thumping a hole through his ribcage when he scrambles up the stairs and turns to look behind himself, the beam of light shaking along with his hand when it shines on wide paws, strong legs. A snout that hides a row of sharp teeth and jaws strong enough to bite a live rabbit in half.

“Erwin?”

The wolf gets up slowly and stands still for a moment, his large pricked-up ears the only thing that betrays the calmness of his stance. He walks forward, paws soundless on the carpet of fallen leaves on the frozen ground. Levi feels his breath hitching in his throat and his heart still beating away in his chest like a hammer as he watches the wolf sneak closer. Without really knowing why, Levi extends his hand, holding his breath when the wolf lays his front paws onto the lowest step right in front of his feet.

The sound of the front door opening in the distance makes Levi look behind himself in a moment of panic, a flash of an image of Kenny bearing down on Erwin, ready to tear at his throat, but when he turns around again, the wolf is nowhere to be seen – the familiar warmth on the back of Levi’s head and the lingering scent of home the only things it left behind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Snow is falling softly in large, heavy flakes that catch on the branches of the trees overhead and blanket the once muddy ground under Levi’s feet ankle deep, pushing into his tennis shoes and soaking his socks. He glances behind himself and contemplates going back into the house, but turns quickly to continue on his way instead. Fucking Kenny and Traute. Ever since he broke the old CD player, Levi’s been forced to escape to the great outdoors to avoid hearing them going at it, and lately it’s become a real nuisance. Levi doesn’t understand what’s gotten into Kenny. It’s not as if he ever did that stuff before – and Levi always assumed Traute would be his last choice.

He keeps walking through the woods, bare hands thrust deep into the pockets of his hoodie to keep away the cold. The forest is first-snow quiet, the sudden hush created by the soft carpet of white giving Levi the feeling of deafness after the autumn with its constant rustling and susurration. It makes Levi dream of hunts, of labored running through drifts of snow to taint the clean ground with bursts of red. He pushes the thought aside as fast as he can not to start asking himself all those questions again, to start counting down the days as if somehow turning eighteen will magically solve all his problems. From where he is now it seems it’ll just be the start of them.

Levi scans the ground with his eyes as he walks. Most of him knows better than to look for tracks but that doesn’t stop some idiot corner of his mind expecting to see a wide paw print under a tree or along the path. The scents alone tell him he’s wasting his time looking, dulled as they are now. Erwin hasn’t been back – not since Thanksgiving as far as Levi can tell. He wants to feel like it’s better for everybody that way. Kenny made his intentions regarding the other alpha very clear once he caught his scent on the backyard and the following day he had Ralph fit Levi’s bedroom window with bars to keep him locked in. The restlessness brought on by the three-day imprisonment only managed to make that memory of the heat of the wolf’s breath on the palm of his hand clearer in Levi’s mind to the point where he grew certain he could still feel it on his skin days later.

Levi pulls his shoulders closer to his ears and keeps walking, doing his best to ignore those nagging thoughts and the warmth that twists his insides for a moment whenever he remembers. If it wasn’t for Kenny catching that scent he would’ve been able to convince himself he hallucinated the whole thing. Erwin leaving his pack on Thanksgiving to come over to the trailer park, all the way to the backdoor of the house. If someone told that to Levi a month ago, he would’ve said they’re full of shit. Fucking unthinkable.

Levi doesn’t know how to feel about it. Seems to him like feeling any way about it will be reading into it things that aren’t there. He doesn’t want to believe that Erwin would come to the trailer park for _his_ sake – but he knows enough about Erwin to know he hasn’t done it just to piss Kenny off, and he can’t make himself believe that, no matter how much more unsettling the other option is. Unsettling and calming all at once. Confusing as fuck, and it makes sure Levi’s still not getting any sleep at night.

He keeps following the path until something catches his eye under the trees, a lumpy patch of snow with touches of black and bright green showing through the white cover. Levi runs over to it, incredulous when he grabs a hold of what he knows is a handlebar though he can barely believe it.

His dirt bike.

Levi lifts the bike upright and brushes away the snow, surveying the damage. Rust. The leather on the seat has ripped. Both of the tires are empty and the front wheel is more bent out of shape than Levi remembered. He does a quick count in his head. Five months. Five whole months the bike’s been sitting out here in the wind and the rain without anyone bothering to drag it back to the trailer park. Just the thought of it makes his chest feel leaden and his stomach cramp so hard he has to grit his teeth.

“Fuck,” Levi whispers, looking over the bike and shaking his head. “As if you weren’t enough of a piece of crap already…”

For a few seconds he considers just leaving the bike out there to finish rotting but just the image of it shedding its paint and breaking apart makes acid rise into his throat and in the end he grabs a hold of the handlebars and walks it back to the trailer park, pushing and pulling it past roots and holes with its banged up wheel. By the time he gets to the house, his hoodie is damp from his sweat.

“Where the hell did you find that old pile of rust?” Kenny asks Levi when he sees him leaving the dirt bike under the overhang of the roof. “I thought you took it with you back then.”

Levi glares at him for a few seconds and shakes his head.

“I busted it on the way,” he states without elaborating. They’ve not talked about that night, and Levi’s sure Kenny doesn’t want it brought up any more than he does.

“You think you can fix it up again?”

Levi shrugs. “Probably not,” he says, climbing up the steps to the porch. “Might be able to sell some parts if they’re still good for something.”

Kenny grunts and puts out his cigarette. “You know you shouldn’t wander around like that.”

“I can still walk around, can’t I?” Levi asks. He doesn’t have the energy to raise his voice or get annoyed anymore; he did enough of both before. “If you want me to stay in the house you and Traute can move your rutting outside, I’d be fine with that.”

“Don’t get smart,” Kenny warns him quietly and lets out a phlegmy cough that makes Levi screw up his face.

They walk indoors and Levi makes himself a cup of coffee to drown out the stench of Kenny and Traute that floats around the house. He warms his cold and aching hands by wrapping them around the steaming mug; the tingling of his fingers makes shivers shoot down his spine. Kenny joins him at the table and splashes whisky into his coffee, offering some to Levi who accepts it without a word.

“You know, this thing with Traute…” Kenny starts, laughing quietly. “You’ll get what it’s about soon enough. It’s about time you did – never known a guy take so long to get to it.”

“Yeah, I don’t…” Levi mutters and shudders, shaking his head. “I don’t need to hear anything about that. Or talk about it. At all.”

“All I’m saying is,” Kenny goes on, something a bit defensive in his voice, “even an ugly son of a bitch like Ralph was getting pussy left and right at your age. Just ‘cause you’re kind of small and funny looking doesn’t mean you can’t–”

“Seriously, just…” Levi interrupts him and shudders again. “Shut up. Okay? Just shut the fuck up. I don’t want to talk about that with you. Not now, not ever.”

“Fine,” Kenny finally agrees and they both fall quiet.

For a second Levi imagines himself confessing to Kenny that he’s never thought about pussy in his life, that he likes to think about big, beefy guys with thick thighs and big hands – just the idea of saying any of that makes him physically flinch in his seat. No. No, no, nope.

“Run into anything unusual back there?” Kenny asks him after a while and Levi shakes his head.

“Just the dirt bike,” he says, sensing Kenny’s sudden burst of anger dying down almost at once.

“The fucking nerve,” he mutters. “That asshole better not try something like that again if he wants to keep his useless piece of shit life. Harassing a fucking minor…”

Levi doesn’t speak but in his mind he’s started counting the days again; just a handful until he’s eighteen. So infuriating, finding himself staring at the same unmade choice again and again even though he feels like he’s made up his mind a hundred times by now. It doesn’t make sense how he keeps ending up back here in square one, feeling like any choice he’ll make will be trouble and grief and misery for someone.

“But you shouldn’t worry,” Kenny tells him. “You’ve got the whole pack behind you. If those creeps try anything else, they’ll learn you’re not alone in this.”

Levi frowns but stays quiet, keeping his eyes on the surface of the table. He doesn’t need to consider Kenny’s words to know the man’s full of shit. Sure, he’d probably be able to bully the others into doing what he wants, but he can never make them give a shit about Levi or make any of them feel like Levi belongs in the pack. Trying would just make them more resentful than they already are.

“You know Kenny. I’ve been thinking…” Levi starts, his words trailing off when he needs to stop and clear the sudden tightness out of his throat. “You know I’m gonna be eighteen soon. So I’ve been thinking–”

“That’s right, you are,” Kenny interrupts him and takes a gulp of coffee. “I haven’t even asked you what you want.”

Levi’s frown grows deeper as his eyes drift from Kenny onto the surface of the table, and he’s surprised the man would ask him straight-up like that. What does he want? He feels like he’s been weighing his options in his head without even realizing it, never coming to any conclusion because they all make him feel uneasy. He’s known for a while he can’t stay with Kenny, but both the alternatives make him nearly as uncomfortable.

“You know money’s a little tight right now,” Kenny goes on, “but we’ll get you something. So what do you want?”

It takes Levi a few seconds to realize what Kenny’s talking about. When he does, he shrugs and mutters, “I don’t know. Haven’t really thought about it.”

“When you think of something, let me know,” Kenny tells him and stands up from the table. “And you can help me find something for Traute too.”

“Sure,” Levi promises without really knowing which request he’s saying yes to.

 

He wants to bring up the subject again several times over the next week but chickens out every time. He even tries to get a couple of beers in first to help with the tightness in his chest and throat, but the words die on his lips just the same. It doesn’t make sense that he would care about how Kenny will feel since he’s the reason Levi’s in this shitty situation in the first place. But every day the old fool keeps asking about what he wants for his birthday and urging him to think of something when Levi answers with nothing more than a shrug. It feels terrible to have Kenny make an effort now and Levi tells him more often than once not to bother getting him anything, but Kenny won’t hear of it.

“You know when you were born I told your mom it was lucky she had a baby on Christmas ‘cause it meant she’d only need to get you one present every year,” Kenny tells him and Levi doesn’t have the heart to tell him to stop talking about her already. “She smacked me over the head and told me to shut my mouth. Said she’d buy you as many presents as she damn well pleased.”

Levi gives Kenny a half smile that dies as soon as the man turns away. Remembering his birthdays from back when he was a kid is the worst – right after that time in the city. It’d be easier if he was still mad at Kenny. Then he could just shout at him until he’d stop bringing her up.

Instead he lets Kenny ramble on about her while they drive to the shops to buy stuff for Christmas – mainly food and booze, but Levi gets himself a packet of peppermint candy canes because he likes the taste. Kenny tells him to look around and see if there’s anything he likes, but there’s nothing he needs and nothing he wants.

“You reckon I should get something for Traute?” Kenny asks him after a while.

Levi snorts. “Could always get her a bottle of tequila and a bag of limes,” he comments, making the man laugh under his breath.

“Don’t get smart,” he mutters anyway. “It should be a real gift though, shouldn’t it?”

“You know you could give her a hug or something and she’d lose her fucking mind,” Levi says. “Just warn me if you’re gonna get her something nasty and I’ll go wait in the car.”

“Better run along then,” Kenny says, and Levi doesn’t need to be told twice.

On Christmas Eve Kenny drags a big ass tree into the living room, lopsided and sparse; it drips water everywhere and Levi spreads out all of their spare towels under it to keep the floor from getting wet. They find an old tattered box of ornaments in the attic. Some of them Levi remembers vaguely from when he was a kid but it’s been years since any of them bothered with this crap. He sits on the sofa and sucks on a candy cane while he watches Kenny and Traute decorating the tree; all of it makes him feel queasy, like there’s no right way or right time to see Kenny acting like this.

They spend the evening watching Christmas movies on the TV like some normal boring family – though even Levi’s eggnog is more bourbon than anything else. He falls asleep on the sofa after Kenny and Traute retreat to his alpha cave, and he doesn’t get his ass to bed until the early hours of the morning. He drifts off again, the bourbon ensuring peaceful sleep. He wakes up late the next day to the sound of breaking glass and voices yelling in the front yard.

Levi scrambles out of bed and yanks on his clothes, pulling his tennis shoes on bare feet before he runs out of the room. He gets his first look at the situation through the kitchen window and the sight of a blonde woman in a fancy, clean winter coat makes his heart leap into his throat.

“ _Shit_.”

Levi runs to the door, slipping on the rug in the hallway and smashing side first into a wall before he can regain his balance. He tries to push the door open but Kenny’s standing in the way, watching the scene unfolding below him on the snow-covered lawn like he’s neither worried nor angry. Through the gap between the door and its frame, Levi can see Traute swinging a broken bottle of whisky at Edith, whose steps backwards are as small as they can get.

“Go back inside,” Kenny tells Levi sternly. “Traute and I will handle this.”

“But I want–”

The door slams shut and Levi runs back over to the kitchen window, climbing onto the counter to push at the screen to open it, but the old wood won’t budge an inch. He stares at Traute and Edith on the yard, hears Traute’s angry shouting and Edith’s calm objections.

“I just came over to give Levi his present and to let him know we’re all waiting for him to come back h–”

“He’s not coming anywhere with you, you crazy bitch!” Traute screams at her, waving the broken bottle around near the other woman’s face. “How many times do I have to tell you, you’re not his fucking family, Kenny is!”

“I just wanted to–”

“He doesn’t need anything from you!” Traute shouts; the way people are slowly emerging from their trailers makes Levi’s breath hitch in his throat. “He’s got everything he needs right here! We don’t need your charity!”

“It’s not charity, it’s just a birthday–” Edith starts again but Traute cuts her off by shoving her sharply on her chest.

“Fuck,” Levi hisses.

He clambers down from the counter and runs through the house to the backdoor. He slips on the stairs but gets back on his feet, speeding around the corner of the house to see a small crowd of people slowly closing in on Traute and Edith. He starts running towards them, his tennis shoes filling with snow and skidding on the icy ground. He can tell when Edith notices him, can feel it in the way she fills with an odd mix of worry and relief, but before Levi can get to her, someone grabs a hold of his neck and pulls him back. Levi’s body grows numb from shudders for as long as Kenny’s hand is touching the scar and even when the man lets go, Levi can feel his head spinning and he can barely hear Edith calling out his name.

“I already told you, bitch! Get the fuck outta here!” Traute screams; Levi catches her giving Edith another push toward the hybrid Levi sees standing at the edge of the trailer park. “You’re not welcome here! Got it? So get lost already!”

“Levi!” Edith calls out like she’s not heard a word Traute has said; the sound of her voice makes Levi’s stomach hurt so bad he feels he’s going to be sick. “Levi, are you okay? Are you–”

“Who told you you could fucking talk to him?!” Traute shouts and makes another move to stab Edith with the bottle. Levi lunges forward but Kenny stops him before he’s taken two steps toward them. “You’re nothing to him! Nothing! Okay?! And you gotta leave before I cut your fucking face off!”

“Don’t worry, Levi,” Edith goes on ignoring Traute, looking Levi straight in the eye. “We’re going to sort this out. Okay? We’re going to come back for you. If it’s what you–”

“The next time you show up here I’m gonna stab you in the throat you fucking bitch!” Traute hisses, cutting the air with her bottle and forcing Edith to take another step back. “I already told you, he’s not coming with you so fuck off!”

Levi watches as Edith starts backing away and all the words he could’ve thought of saying die on his tongue.

“We’re still right here,” she tells him, her voice breaking a little. “Okay? We’re still right here, Levi. You’re not alone anymore.”

When the woman gets into her car and drives away, Levi struggles to stay standing; his gut is boiling and he nearly retches from the pain of it. Once Kenny finally lets go of his arm, he nearly falls down in the snow.

“The fuck was that?” Djel shouts from the steps of his trailer when Kenny turns away and starts walking back towards the house. “First the alpha and now his bitch of a mother?”

“Don’t call her that!” Levi yells back, managing a few steps toward Djel before Kenny’s arm shoots out to shove him back again.

“I’ll call her whatever I want you little piece of shit,” Djel tells him in an angry hiss. “This is so fucked up, Kenny. You’ve got another pack running around here whenever the fuck they please and you’re just gonna sit on your ass and do nothing about it?”

Kenny doesn’t speak but Levi can feel the cool rage coming off him like ripples of warmth off a fire. He turns to Djel slowly, and the other man’s apprehension is clear as soon as he does.

“You and Ralph were always pretty close, weren’t you?” he asks Djel in a voice so quiet and controlled it sends shivers down Levi’s neck. “Maybe it’s about time you two moved in together. Plenty of room left in that trailer.”

“Come on, man,” Djel groans. “You think I’m the only one who’s noticed all this crazy shit that’s been going on? You think I’m the only one who’s asking himself what the fuck that brat is still doing here after he got himself bit and everything.”

“So you’re not the only one, huh?” Kenny says and sneers. “Well, if any of you fucking rats wants to challenge me, step right on up. You think you’ll have better luck than Ralph, go right on ahead. I’ll take on any of you, any time.”

The whole yard falls silent, and Kenny lets the calm linger for a good half a minute during which the only sound any of them can hear is the wind whistling around the trailers. Levi can feel the scar on his neck burning so warm it raises sweat on his skin even in the cold.

“I guess I’ll need to explain it to you idiots one more time,” Kenny growls, suddenly letting his anger show. “What I say goes. You don’t like the way I do things, you can fuck off right back to whatever hole you crawled out of.”

No one moves, not even Djel. Levi looks around himself at their downcast eyes and bent heads. Standing there in the snow by their trailers they look like the most pathetic group of people who ever lived.

“You can all stay out of the house today,” Kenny tells them before turning around. “I don’t want to see any of your sorry faces till tomorrow.”

Levi follows him back to the house, slouching through the snow feeling like his body has suddenly grown three times heavier. Once they’re back inside, Kenny orders Levi to cook them all some breakfast. They eat it without speaking, all poisoning the air with their own blend of emotions that range from Kenny’s anger to Levi’s confused mix of things that make him want to howl. Every breath he draws feels like a punch to the chest and he can barely force down his breakfast from how badly his stomach still hurts. Afterwards he goes back to bed, hoping to fall asleep for a couple more hours but instead lying awake until Kenny bursts into his room without knocking, a big cardboard box under his left arm.

“Presents,” he merely states before walking towards the living room.

Levi follows at a half slouch, only now wondering whether he should’ve bought something for Kenny but deciding quickly that asking the man for money to buy a present for him would’ve been kind of a dick move anyway. He takes a seat on the sofa next to Traute and accepts the plain cardboard box that Kenny hands to him. Traute gets a gift too, a much smaller flat box that’s been closed with a pink ribbon.

“Me first!” she shouts, tearing into the bow like a fucking child, her excitement turning into something so warm and sweet that it makes Levi want to sit on the floor rather than right next to her. She lifts out a skimpy silken nighty type thing, hot pink and shimmery and Levi can guess right then and there that it’s the nicest piece of clothing she’s ever owned in her life.

“You girls like that kind of stuff, right?” Kenny asks her almost indifferently from the armchair he’s sitting in and Levi would like to point out that Traute’s about two decades too old to be called that, but he keeps his mouth shut.

“I love it,” she croaks, bunching up the fabric and walking across the room to sit on Kenny’s lap, whispering loudly enough for Levi to hear, “And it’s gonna go great with my present for you.”

Levi shudders and turns to look at the ugly ass Christmas tree while Kenny and Traute both chuckle and smooch each other and mumble another few eternally traumatizing things into each other’s ears. When they finally remember he exists again, Kenny orders him to open his present and Levi obeys unenthusiastically, feeling so bad and guilty that he wishes he could take whatever’s in the package to the nearest donation box. He tears out the couple strips of tape and opens the present, lifting out a CD player that to his surprise is brand new, still in its original packaging.

“Thought you might want one since the old one broke,” Kenny tells him. “There’s a CD in there as well.”

Levi dives back into the box and lifts out the slim plastic case, reading the words on the cover. _Nirvana. Best of_.

“That was your mom’s favorite,” Kenny goes on, and Levi wants to ignore all the sadness coming off him. “For a while, anyway. When she was about your age.”

“Thanks,” Levi mutters and he wishes he knew something else to say, knew how to share some memory of his mother just to make Kenny feel better, but he has nothing.

They sit around awkwardly for a couple more minutes until Levi gets up and says he wants to listen to the CD alone in his room. Kenny doesn’t tell him to stay, probably thinking Levi’s going to cry after his mom or something, as if the songs on the CD will remind him of her someway. They don’t, but they’re not bad. Better than the silence, good for taking his mind off everything: off Edith and this sad excuse of a family holiday that’s so pathetic it makes Levi want to burst through the backdoor and start running into the woods.

At first when he hears it, he thinks it’s part of the song somehow, the long, wistful howling that barely catches his ear – but the piercing, desperate feeling it wakes in him tells him different. He turns off the music and walks over to the window, pushing it open to let in the cold winter air and that sound, now joined by others, so familiar and distant that it makes Levi ache with every fiber of his being. He leans forward and presses his forehead against the bars to catch every second of it, to hear them all and name them: Edith, Isabel, Nan and Mike, even someone he doesn’t recognize, someone old and strong.

And when he finally hears him, Levi knows he’s the only one he’s been waiting for, the only one who can make it mean what he wants it to mean. He listens to the low howl, the call in it, the promise, and the scar on his neck burns his skin. He wants to answer them, the wolf in him is tearing at his mind, but when he catches the sight of the CD player on the floor by his bed, the response dies in his throat.

 

Levi spends the next week listening through the CD so many times he nearly gets sick of it, and he feels like a part of him is using the music to drown out the memory of the sounds of his pack. It’s no use. The howling fills his dreams, makes him feel like someone’s pulling an invisible cord that’s been tied around his lungs, like his whole reason to keep breathing is getting further and further away. Whenever he’s not listening to music in his room, he’s trying to gather up the nerve to talk to Kenny about leaving, but simply having made the decision doesn’t make the topic any easier to bring up. He even suggests they go back to the rock quarry to shoot at some bottles again but in the end he can’t bring up the subject. At night he lies awake and curses himself, tries to remind himself of all the shitty things Kenny’s done so he’d feel less guilty about it all but most times he ends up feeling more sorry for his uncle than he did when he started.

In the end Levi even starts to contemplate doing something that would make Kenny kick him out but he doesn’t know what would be bad enough at this point, since clearly getting claimed by another alpha didn’t do the trick. He imagines himself packing his bag and sneaking out one night without so much as a goodbye note, but he knows Kenny would worry, and he doesn’t want that either. And even now, whenever he thinks about going back to Erwin, he thinks about the way he acted before and all the money they spent on him that went straight down the drain the second CPS showed up, and he can barely breathe from how ashamed he is.

The year changes and Levi’s still no closer to doing anything about his decision than he was on his birthday. He spends his days like he has so far: lying in his room doing nothing, shooting at beer cans with his BB gun, and driving Kenny around when he runs his errands. It seems to Levi he’s taken over a lot of them himself, like he doesn’t trust anyone else to do them right – or maybe doesn’t trust anyone else with the pick-up truck and a handful of cash. It’s mostly shop runs for beer and beef and the occasional shady encounter with one of Kenny’s “friends”. Levi decides quickly the less he knows about it the better, to keep himself from being the one who rats Kenny out to the feds or something, worst case scenario – it would help him leave the trailer park though.

When the opportunity finally presents itself, Levi grabs it without really knowing what he’s doing.

He spots them in the grocery store, pushing around a cart that’s so full of haircare products Levi can smell it all the way from the other end of the building – Mr. and Mrs. Church. It takes him a moment to pick up the boy’s scent and even longer to shake off Kenny, who grows more annoyed the more he catches Levi fidgeting and drumming the handle of the shopping cart. He finally manages to convince the man they should get another six-pack of beer, but even then Kenny looks at him so sharply Levi wonders if he’s caught Farlan’s scent too.

“Don’t take all day, we gotta get a move on,” Kenny tells his back when he’s already running away.

He finds Farlan at the yoghurt section and shakes his head at the boy’s shocked expression as soon as he opens his mouth.

“I don’t have a lot of time,” he says, already extending his hand. “Give me your phone.”

Farlan hands his smartphone over without saying anything, his head turning this way and that, like he’s keeping a look out for Kenny and expects to see him turning a corner any second.

Levi finds the number quickly and places the call, his hands shaking and his heart hammering when he listens to the dial tone muttering “pick up pick up pick up” under his breath the whole time. He tries to catch a warning of Kenny’s footsteps or the stench of cigarettes on his breath, but all he can smell is his own sweat that wafts up to his nose from the folds of his hoodie. The line keeps ringing and Levi knows it’s around the time when the dogs get taken out for a walk, and for a few seconds he’s sure Erwin’s not going to answer.

When he finally hears the man’s voice, the air in his lungs escapes in one heavy breath.

“Levi?” Erwin asks, sounding so concerned Levi can feel it on the skin of his neck. “Levi, is that you?”

“Yeah,” Levi breathes, not even stopping to wonder how the man could know that just from one desperate gasp. “Yeah, I’m here but I don’t–”

“Don’t worry, Levi,” Erwin interrupts him, like knowing what he’s going to say without him saying it. “You don’t have to do anything. We’re coming to get you.”

The words are nearly enough to make Levi’s legs give out. He could nearly laugh out loud from the relief filling his body, so strong it’s making the sides of his face tingle. Levi watches Farlan as he keeps pacing back and forth in front of the yogurt aisle, biting his nails.

“Don’t worry,” Erwin says again, and his voice is so reassuring Levi doesn’t know how he could ever have thought the man was. “I’m coming to get you.”

“Okay,” he sighs, running a shaky hand through his hair. “Okay. I have to go.”

“Just stay put, Levi,” Erwin tells him still. “Just stay put for a little while longer.”

“What the hell? Is Kenny here?” Farlan asks Levi as soon as he hands over the phone.

“I don’t have time,” Levi merely whispers, already running away. “I’ll call you.”

He grabs a six-pack of beer cans and speeds through the shop to find Kenny already loitering by the register. He eyes Levi suspiciously when he skids to a halt, the soles of his tennis shoes squeaking against the floor when he stops in front of the man and hands him the beer. Levi tries to stay still and act normal, but it’s as if someone’s set a current running under his skin. It makes him think of nothing but Erwin’s words on the drive back to the trailer park, and he knows himself there’s a nervous sort of twitch to his driving that makes Kenny mutter curses under his breath at him. He keeps eyeing Levi at the house where he paces restlessly from room to room, chewing the nail of his thumb as he glances through the window at the yard that remains empty for the rest of the day, and all of the following one.

 

They drive in just after sunset, two squad cars and Erwin in the hybrid with Mike and Nan following with the pick-up. They draw Kenny and Traute out onto the porch as soon as they arrive and wake up all the rest of the pack from their trailers. Levi watches from the kitchen window, holding his breath as he waits for something to happen, a fight to break out, someone to start shouting. But the calm lasts and he walks out onto the porch too, following Erwin with his eyes when he crosses the yard behind officer Aiblinger and his colleagues; a detail that’s out of place in the otherwise bleak image, a blooming tree in the middle of no-man’s-land.

“Get back in the house,” Kenny growls at Levi, meeting his eye when he stays still but making no move to force him. Everything is eerily still until Kenny speaks up again. “The fuck is this about now, Denny?”

Aiblinger gets up onto the lowest of the porch steps and pushes his thumbs under his belt.

“This guy says you’re keeping someone here against his will,” he tells Kenny, sounding annoyed and exasperated. “Wanna tell me what _that’s_ all about?”

“That’s bullshit,” Kenny barks at once. “Everyone who’s living here is here voluntarily. Just ask them.”

“So that includes your nephew?” Aiblinger asks now. “The one we had to drag back here a couple months ago after he’d run away?”

“He was a minor,” Kenny argues, pointing one of his long bony fingers at Aiblinger. “He belonged here with me.”

“But he’s not a minor anymore, is he?” Aiblinger asks, sighing when Kenny falls quiet. He walks up the rest of the porch steps to mutter, “Come on, Kenny. This guys out to make some real trouble here. You wanna let our whole operation go to waste over some brat?”

Levi shudders when he sees the look Kenny gives the man: a kind of cold hatred that threatens to spill over. He’s seen it before, and he hopes to God Aiblinger doesn’t test his luck.

“Yeah, I know, the kid’s your nephew,” the officer mutters and sighs again, “but if he wants to go then what’re you gonna do about it? Hm? You can’t keep him locked up here – this guy’ll make sure of that.”

Levi casts a glance at Erwin then while Kenny keeps quiet, turning around as soon as he feels the man’s eyes on him again.

“Is that true?” he asks and Levi grits his teeth to steel himself. “You don’t wanna live here anymore?”

Levi stands there, tight-lipped and closing the insides of his pockets into his fists. He glances at Erwin again and wishes the man could walk up the steps and take over the situation, to lay his hand on the back of Levi’s neck and make sure nothing more needs to be said about any of it.

“If it’s ‘cause these assholes have said something to you then–”

“No one’s said anything,” Levi tells Kenny and grits his teeth for a moment, staring at the tips of his shoes. “It’s just that…”

His words trail off as the leaden heaviness from his chest starts spreading into his throat, catching his words and keeping him from looking at his uncle because looking at the man makes it hurt worse. Kenny doesn’t say anything either and for a few seconds Levi wonders if it’s because he also doesn’t know what to say.

“I just…” Levi starts again, clearing his throat and glancing up at Kenny, and then at Erwin. “I just need to go with him.”

Kenny falls quiet again and Levi holds his breath, staring at the man’s face and trying to sense what sort of decision he’ll come to. He still misses the moment when he does and in the end Kenny’s words surprise him.

“Better pack up your things then.”

Levi turns away at once, walking back into the house and into his room to gather up all the things he would’ve taken last time if he hadn’t run out in the dead of night like he did: his school books, his old clothes, and now the CD Kenny gave him. Erwin joins him in a minute, walking into his room like it’s nothing. Levi watches him pacing slowly around the room, looking around himself like he’s curious to see it. Levi shudders when he sees Erwin running his hand along the furs on his bed, a slight frown pulling at those thick brows.

“Thought you might need a hand,” he says, turning to look at Levi with a smile.

It takes Levi a moment to find his words. “Yeah,” he finally manages, turning back to his backpack in a flurry of movement. “Can you grab my BB gun from on top of the dresser?”

“You want to take it with you?” Erwin asks, shaking his head when Levi nods. “I’m sorry. A strict no guns policy I’m afraid.”

“Seriously?” Levi asks him, scoffing incredulously when he nods. “But it’s not like a BB gun is even a real gun.”

“Sorry,” Erwin apologizes again, his voice so low and soothing it makes the back of Levi’s neck heat up. “No exceptions.”

“Fine,” Levi mutters, stuffing the last of his clothes into his backpack. Fucking hippies.

“You need anything else?” Erwin asks from over by the window; Levi caught him peering at the bars outside a moment earlier. “Would you like to take some of these furs with you or–”

“No, I’m good,” Levi says, already swinging the backpack onto his back when he remembers, diving under the bed and pulling out the plastic bag and handing it to Erwin. “It’s the drone,” he explains quickly, meeting the man’s gaze briefly but turning away. “I tried to fix it but… I probably just made it even worse.”

“I’m sure we can think of something together,” Erwin tells him, smiling after a quick glance at the contents of the bag. “Thank you, Levi.”

Levi shrugs a response and watches Erwin walk out of the room. He turns around and takes one last look at it, only following Erwin once the man asks him if he’s ready. Kenny’s still standing on the porch when Levi walks out again, Traute at his side and a cigarette dangling from between his lips. Levi half expects him to grab Erwin by his throat when he walks past him, but Kenny stands on his spot as still as a statue, like Erwin’s mere presence is a sign of his defeat. Levi can hear Traute muttering something as she eyes Mike and Nan but he blocks it out when he steps closer, shuddering from the lack of emotions he feels coming off Kenny.

“Thought I’d leave the CD player since–”

“What for?” Kenny interrupts him. “I gave it to you, didn’t I?”

Levi hesitates for another moment before running back into his room and grabbing the player. Kenny still hasn’t moved when he walks back out onto the porch.

“Got everything?” Nan calls out from the pick-up and Levi already nods before he remembers the dirt bike he left under the overhang of the roof.

He looks at the bike and then at Erwin who gives him an approving nod. Before Levi can say anything, Mike has marched across the yard and grabbed the bike; Levi follows him when he carries it over to the pick-up.

“Looks like it could use some work,” Nan comments before jumping onto the passenger seat and rolling open the window. “I’ll take a look at it for you once we get home.”

“Sure,” Levi states, feeling a surge of emotion in his chest when he turns back to the house, expecting to still see Kenny on the porch, but finding it empty and the door closed. He spends a few seconds wondering if he should go back inside to say a proper goodbye, but it seems Kenny would rather leave things like this and Levi feels like he’s been enough of a pain in the ass already.

“You ready to go?” Erwin asks him and Levi nods, getting into the hybrid after him, suddenly far too aware of the lack of distance between them. He scoffs when the man mutters, “Seatbelt.”

“Guess I gotta get used to this shit again,” Levi answers, smiling when he hears Erwin laugh.

He waits until they’re nearing the pack house before he rolls down his windows to catch that scent of home he’s been tempting out of that mark on his neck for months. It’s sweeter now than it was before, not frightening anymore but calming and grounding. Stable. Levi lets it fill him up, lets it break away that heaviness in his chest one breath at a time until Erwin’s finally parking the car. Levi catches Edith on the porch and his hand flies to open the seatbelt. The next thing he knows she’s hugging him to his chest, the smell of her relief and contentment surrounding Levi like a cloud.

“Welcome home, little one,” she whispers and laughs.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be attempting weekly updates so stay tuned!
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There’s a warmth in the air, a stuffy scent of togetherness that nudges Levi awake as much as the whispering sound of the mingling breathing of twenty odd people sleeping in the same room. He lifts his head a little, peering through the slits of his parted lids to catch that strange sight: mattresses lying wherever there’s been room on the floor, every sofa, a couple of fold-out beds, all housing at least one person and most of them carrying the weight of two or more. Pups in a pile where the large rectangular coffee table still stood last night, all curled close together in between their minders. Levi looks at the other stretch of the corner sofa where the red mop of Isabel’s hair peeks out of a fold of the covers she’s drawn up to her ear. There’s only one spot that’s empty, but Levi senses it hasn’t stood abandoned for long.

He gets up carefully, sneaking past the sleeping pups and grown-ups soundlessly not to wake them. He follows the scent that’s still stuck on the sheets on the abandoned bed; it makes him wary despite everything when he crosses the threshold into the kitchen. He catches the smell of coffee right away and the sight of Erwin sitting at the kitchen island with a steaming mug in his hand doesn’t come as a surprise.

“Good morning,” the man says in a low, morning-gruff voice, smiling in a way Levi interprets as calming. “Coffee?”

Right. Eighteen now.

“Thanks,” Levi grunts, feeling suddenly self-conscious about his bare legs, “but I think I’ll have some tea instead.”

“Sure,” Erwin says, a little surprised but pleased. “Please, help yourself.”

Levi crosses the room quickly – the tiles feel cold under his bare feet – and brews himself a cup of the green tea with mint and apple that Edith made for him that day they went out and bought him all of his clothes. They’re probably all neatly folded in the dresser in his room upstairs and though a part of Levi wants to run up and get dressed in them right away, he takes a seat opposite of Erwin instead. It’s clearly not what the man expected, but he doesn’t seem upset about it, though there’s clearly something that bothers him, something that makes him uneasy. Levi can sense he’s getting ready to speak so he stays quiet himself, thinking it best he doesn’t start blurting out any stupid shit right now. Finally Erwin sighs.

“You know, I really hate that I’m always starting these things with apologies,” he says, “but I feel like I have to say I’m sorry – again. I really should’ve made sure everything was in order about you staying here. I just never thought your uncle would–”

“It’s okay,” Levi interrupts him, cringing internally at the pain and embarrassment in the man’s tone. “We don’t have to get into all that. I mean, it’s all in the past now, right?”

Erwin falls quiet for a long while before asking, “Are you sure? It was such a glaring lapse in judgment from–”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Levi says, shuddering just from the thought of actually having this conversation. “And anyway, I’m here now, so…”

“Yes, you are,” Erwin mutters; there’s something relieved about his sigh. “I thought it was important to do things right this time but I wasn’t sure… was it uncomfortable for you? Sleeping in the same room with everyone like that?”

Levi thinks back to the previous night, how different it felt coming here this time around, how there was no skulking about and he didn’t feel like he had to run up to the safety of his room as soon as he set foot in the house. Sure it was a bit weird, dragging all the pups into the big house for a sleepover – and all of their excitement about it felt more than a little exhausting – but there was something comforting about being surrounded by the pack, something that made him feel incredibly safe. Isabel called it a puppy pile. Levi had never heard of that before, but he could see where the name came from.

“It was kind of weird,” Levi replies, deciding to go with honesty this time, “but, you know. It was okay.”

“Good,” Erwin says, again sounding relieved. “I wouldn’t have wanted to put you in an uncomfortable situation. I just thought there was something missing last time. Too much isolation, not enough–”

“Yeah, I get it,” Levi interrupts the man and takes a sip out of his cup of tea. “I’m gonna stay for good now so might as well act like it. Right?”

“Right,” Erwin agrees, smiling again. “So you’ve made up your mind?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. “I’ve made up my mind.”

“Good.”

They fall quiet again, each taking quick sips from their cups and avoiding each other’s eyes. Levi looks around himself at the kitchen, his hands already itching to spruce up the shine on the stone counters. He already decides to help Edith and the others with the dinner prep – though she’ll no doubt tell him to rest and take it easy. Levi casts a few sly glances at Erwin across the table, at his sleep-ruffled hair that reminds him of the night of his birthday when they ran into each other right there by the sink. The man seems even more relaxed now than he did back then, with his pyjama bottoms and plain white t-shirt, bare feet sticking out of the pant legs planted firmly against the tiled floor.

“Can I take the dogs out today?” Levi asks Erwin to get his mind off that track; the man seems to flinch out of some private thought – Levi only just catches the hint of embarrassment from him.

“Sure, if you want to,” the man promises at once. “Hulk will be happy to see you again. He’s never run away before, you know.”

“Yeah, I’ll like seeing them all too,” Levi confesses, smiling when Erwin does.

“We can make that a daily task for you,” he says, looking at Levi over the rim of his mug. “If you’d like.”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Levi says. “I can help out with other stuff too, you know.”

“Well, the first thing we need to sort out is you going back to school,” Erwin tells him; Levi feels his heart skipping a beat, and he’s about to speak out when Erwin continues. “Usually we expect eighteen-year-olds to start making a more tangible contribution, but in your case your education obviously takes priority and no one expects you to manage classes, tutoring and the usual pack duties on tops of that.”

“Right.”

“But since you’re eighteen, you will start getting your allowance,” Erwin tells him. “It’s not a huge amount of money since you won’t need to pay for living expenses and food and such, but you can do what you want with it – within the limits of what’s lawful, of course.”

“Yeah, of course,” Levi mutters, frowning. He never expected to get any money from the pack and now that he thinks about it, he’s not sure he wants it. God knows he’s cost them all way too much already.

“Oh, another thing,” Erwin says, like suddenly remembering. “We’ll need to get you a driver’s license. I’ll try and find you a teacher as soon as I can.”

“Okay,” Levi mutters, his head still spinning a little. It’s a lot to get used to again. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” the man tells him. “It’s for everyone else’s benefit as much as it is for yours. There can never be too many people able to do shop runs, after all.”

“Sure,” Levi says, remembering suddenly the days when Kenny taught him how to drive. The pick-up was much less rusty back then – though it was still a piece of shit.

Levi turns to look behind himself when he hears the kitchen door opening and he watches as Edith walks across the room to him and presses the palm of her hand against his cheek as soon as she reaches him, humming to herself like it’s the best thing in the world. Levi lets her do it and even smiles, though the fact she’s not alone makes him draw his shoulders a little closer to his ears. He met the former alpha briefly the previous day, but in the hassle they barely exchanged more than hasty introductions. Now Ansel steps forward, smile disarming and hand extended, presumably to introduce himself again. Levi hesitates for only a moment before meeting the gesture.

Damn. Big hands.

“I just wanted to tell you again how excited I am to finally meet you, Levi,” the old man says, laying his left hand on top of their already joined ones. He sounds a lot like Erwin, but the way he says his name feels different. “I’ve heard so much about you over the past month.”

“Uhh…” Levi starts, not really knowing what to say. Ansel’s not lying, that’s for sure – no escaping the amount of emotion he brings into the space. “Sure, I’m… excited too, I guess.”

“You want more tea, sweetheart?” Edith asks him from the counter and he turns to give her a quick nod, still tensing up when Ansel sits down at the kitchen island next to him.

“I don’t believe we’ve ever hosted an Ackerman before,” he says, “though I suppose I’d have to go back to the history books to make sure. My understanding is that you’ve always been a rather secluded bunch. Is that right?”

“Uhh…” Levi starts again, glancing quickly at Edith before muttering, “I guess.”

“As I recall your grandfather wasn’t particularly interested in coming to the meetings I set up for all the alphas in the area – and neither was your uncle, I’m afraid,” Ansel goes on as if Levi’s dumbass answer hasn’t slowed him down a bit, sighing heavily like the fact Kenny never participated in whatever the hell he’s talking about is some kind of a personal failing from his part. “That does explain why the ties have become so tenuous. A shame, really, considering we’re all neighbors.”

“Right,” Levi mumbles, not knowing what else to say.

“But no doubt you being here will go a long way in mending that – with time, of course,” Ansel says and beams when Edith hands him a mug of coffee; he calls her darling when he thanks her.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” Edith asks Levi, passing him his cup of tea when she sits down next to Erwin on the other side of the kitchen island. “You okay? Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Levi tells her; and he did, better than in months. “I’m good.”

“Are you hungry? Do you want breakfast?” she goes on fussing, making Levi a little bit uncomfortable. “What would you like? I could make you a tofu scramble. Or do you want pancakes? I could make you pancakes.”

“It’s okay,” Levi says, cringing a little. “I could just have some oatmeal or something. I can make it myself.”

“Don’t be silly,” Edith insist, running her hand quickly against Levi’s. “Of course I’ll make you breakfast! It’s your first day back!”

“Best not argue with her,” Ansel leans into whisper audibly. “I can assure you with several decades of experience, it rarely works.”

“Sure,” Levi agrees and smiles a little, though the situation makes him feel ill at ease; there’s too much of the trailer park still lingering in his mind, too much of Kenny and the sad and angry breakfasts they used to have.

Levi tops his oatmeal with frozen raspberries and blueberries and eats it with good appetite, already thinking about all the amazing things the fibre will do to ease his constipation. He listens absently to the conversation Erwin is having with Ansel – something about the snow and some place called “the old side.” It’s weird, listening to the two men talking. It’s as if Erwin’s gotten rid of the main parts of the stick up his ass and he reminds Levi again of the night of his birthday; he even laughs at something Ansel says that doesn’t catch Levi’s ear.

The pups start waking up a little while later, pouring into the room in their pyjamas, rubbing their eyes and yawning. Instead of a normal breakfast, they have something they all call “a smoothie party” – Levi helps Edith lift frozen fruit and berries out of the freezers and onto the counters while Erwin and Ansel set up two big blenders. The loud whirring of the machines wakes up the rest of the people still asleep in the living room, Mike and Nan slouching in after everyone else and making their smoothies out of all sorts of frozen leafy stuff so that they come out all green and weird-looking. Levi screws up his face looking at them and across the table several of the pups are doing the same.

“What’s in it?” one of the kids asks; a boy with dirty blond hair and a long face.

“In this?” Nan asks him and points at her drink and the kid nods. “Well, it has all sorts of stuff that’s really good for you.”

“Does it have kale?” the kid asks next, making a face when Nan nods. “Eugh. I hate kale.”

“Have you tried kale in a smoothie before?” Nan asks and the kid shakes his head. “Well then how do you know you don’t like it?”

“I just know,” the boy insists. “Kale is like… it feels bad in your teeth.”

“But it’s all in teeny tiny pieces in the smoothie,” Nan argues, taking another sip. “It doesn’t feel like anything.”

The boy frowns and falls quiet, pressing his chin into the palm of his hand. When Nan offers him the smoothie he hesitates and moves his hand in front of his mouth before pulling back in his chair.

“Can I try that?” Levi asks Nan, accepting the glass and peering into it for a few seconds before taking a tentative sip, then another larger one. The smoothie doesn’t taste like anything much. Refreshing with a hint of celery and apple.

“Good, right?” Nan asks him and he shrugs.

“It’s okay.”

“I wanna try it!” Eren screams from across the table, bringing down the volume only a little after he’s been scolded. “Nan can I try–”

“I was gonna try it!” the other boy interrupts Eren, pushing him away when he tries to reach for the glass from across the table. “Nan, wasn’t it me who was gonna try–”

“Calm down, you can both try it!” Nan tells them and laughs. “Jean can try mine and Eren, you can try Mike’s.”

“But I wanted to try the one you have!”

“It’s the exact same smoothie, Eren, we made them in the same blender,” Nan explains with more patience than Levi would’ve had. “Here. Try it.”

The two boys both take tiny little sips out of the glasses, Eren gasping and smacking his lips a little afterwards like he’s just taken a huge gulp. They turn to look at each other like they’re thinking the same thing.

“Did you like it?” Nan asks them when they hand over the glasses and after a few seconds they both start shaking their heads vehemently.

“It was so gross,” the long-faced boy says and grimaces.

“It tastes like grass,” Eren complains, laughing when Nan does.

“Maybe you’ll learn to like it when you’re a bit older,” she says but the two boys shake their heads again.

“I’ll never like it,” Eren swears and makes another face, looking at Nan emptying her glass. “I wouldn’t eat grass so I’m not going to drink that.”

“Suit yourself,” Nan tells him, turning to Mike. “Another?”

 

After breakfast Levi runs upstairs and changes into clean clothes that he finds neatly folded in the closet – just like he knew he would. They help cover up the smell of the trailer park that still clings to his skin and hair. When he walks back downstairs, the kids and their minders have packed up their things and are leaving the main house – all except Isabel, who keeps hanging around Levi, asking him about where he’s been and poking him in the ribs with her razor-sharp bony elbows.

“Was it bad where you were?” she asks him when they’re gathering up the mattresses and pillows and blankets in the living room. “All your clothes from there smelled awful. And you smell awful.”

“Thanks,” Levi drawls, folding up a sheet though he knows it’ll just go in the laundry. “I don’t come to you and tell you _you_ stink, you know.”

“I know,” Isabel says, growing serious. “I’ve been to places that smell like that. Well, not _really_ like that but kind of. Bad. Like everyone’s unhappy.”

“Oh yeah?” Levi asks her, frowning when he sees her sombre expression.

“Yeah,” she tells him, sitting down on the sofa though most of the floor is still covered in make-shift beds. “Before I came here. It feels like a really long time ago.”

“Did you live with your parents before?” Levi asks her, but when she only shakes her head, he doesn’t press it.

“Is that friend of yours going to come over?”

“Who? Farlan?” Levi asks, shrugging when Isabel nods. “I don’t know. I haven’t called him yet.”

“He came by a couple of times when you were away,” she says, lifting her legs up on the sofa like she’s not planning on doing any more cleaning up. “He was all worried about you.”

“Well, he would be,” Levi mutters, turning to glance behind himself when he senses Erwin walking into the room to pick up another couple of the mattresses to carry them to a storage room somewhere. “If I call him he’ll probably come over soon.”

“Good,” Isabel says, leaning back on the sofa. “He smells weird, but I like him.”

Levi laughs and has to agree. The air in the main house – especially now that the pups are gone – smells so pure somehow, like nothing unpleasant or artificial has ever crossed the threshold. It seems even better than last time, as if everyone has settled in and calmed down. Maybe Ansel being back has given everyone an added feeling of safety and comfort – or maybe it’s all just in Levi’s head, all down to him feeling better about coming here this time around.

“Come on,” he tells Isabel, hooking his foot under her leg and pulling her feet down from the sofa. “We need to help Edith get these in the wash.”

She sighs and stands up, gathering up a pile of blankets she carries over to the door and hands to Mike who walks in just in time to make sure the tower of covers doesn’t collapse on top of Isabel. They both gather up as many sheets and pillow cases as they can fit onto their arms and carry them over to the laundry room where Edith and Ansel load them into the two enormous washing machines. Levi lets them finish what they’re doing before he calls out for Edith softly, unsurprised to get her full attention right away.

“What is it, little one?” she asks; the pet name nearly makes Levi’s breath hitch in his throat. “Is something wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Levi assures her and hesitates for a moment before managing to add, “I was wondering if I could talk to you and Erwin about something.”

“Of course,” she promises at once, not turning her eyes away from Levi even when Ansel’s hand moves over her forehead to brush aside a strand of hair. “You can talk to us about anything. I hope you know that.”

“Right,” Levi states, scratching the scar on his neck. “So should I go get him or…”

“You two just sit down,” Ansel tells them, giving Edith a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll go and find him.”

“You want more tea?” Edith says – it’s barely a question, and she doesn’t wait for Levi to nod before she starts filling the electric kettle from the tap.

Levi sits down at the kitchen island, fingers fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. He can’t cover up his nervousness or ignore the knot he feels in the pit of his stomach – especially when Ansel and Erwin walk back into the room and join him and Edith at the table. When Erwin asks him what he wanted to talk about, Levi needs to clear his throat to get the words into and out of his mouth.

“I was thinking…” he starts, crossing his hands on the table so tightly it almost hurts. “I’m not sure I want to go back to finish high school.”

The silence that follows the statement is so heavy and unbroken that it makes Levi bristle. He dares a look at Erwin, who’s staring at him with his thick brows drawn to a deep frown; a textbook look of confusion, like he can’t think of any reason why anyone would want to do such a thing. When Levi senses the man’s about to speak out, he rushes to fill the silence instead.

“I just don’t think it’s worth the trouble,” he says, though he wants to say what he really means and replace the last word with ‘money.’ “It was hard enough trying to catch up to everyone else before, and with all the school I’ve missed this year I just don’t see how I can do it now. And it’s not as if I’m ever going to college so I just don’t see the point. I can just as easily just get a job somewhere and do that.”

Everyone keeps quiet. Levi can hear Ansel shuffling in his seat.

“I see,” Erwin finally mutters, voice still full of confusion. “I don’t… sorry, can you explain to me please why you don’t think you’ll be going to college?”

Levi glances up at the man, feeling suddenly almost angry. A fucking dumbass question, but when he tries to form a list in his head of all the reasons, he finds it harder than he thought.

“Well…” he starts, huffing. “You know, it’s not like I’d ever get into any place decent with my grades and everything. And what would I even study there?”

“You could study anything you want,” Edith puts in in a calming tone that just manages to make Levi feel more annoyed and desperate.

“I couldn’t afford it,” he huffs. “That shit’s expensive, right?”

“But why…” Ansel starts, looking around himself at Erwin and Edith. “I’m sorry, but why does the financial aspect factor in here? We still have the usual budget for these things, don’t we?”

“We do,” Erwin confirms, wrapping his hands around his coffee mug and leaning his elbows on the table top; Levi leans back in his chair as a response. “If it’s the money you’re worried about, Levi, that’s a non-issue. We’re prepared to cover the costs of–”

“Yeah, I know that. I’m just–” Levi interrupts the man, pausing to bite his lip and stare at his hands for a few seconds. “Look. You already spent a lot of money on me going to school, and I fucked that up. I just… there’s a lot of better ways to spend that money ‘cause it’s not like I’m going to be putting it to good use. So you should just spend it on something else.”

“Oh, but how can you think it was _you_ who–” Edith starts to asks him with so much concern it makes Levi cringe, but before she can finish, Ansel speaks up.

“What exactly do you mean by putting your education to good use?” the man asks and Levi frowns.

“I just mean like…” he stops to think. “Like if you’re going to pay a lot of money and go to a fancy ass high school, you’ll want to do it to get into a good college, right? So that you can get a good job and then earn back the money that you’ve spent on school.”

“So you see it as an investment?” Erwin asks him and he shrugs. “And you see yourself as a bad investment?”

Levi shrugs again and tries to ignore the obvious shock wafting across the table from every individual Smith.

“But my dear boy, that’s not the purpose of an education at all!” Ansel exclaims, making Levi’s frown grow deeper.

“It’s not?” he drawls the question, but it doesn’t deter Ansel’s enthusiasm.

“No, absolutely not!” he argues. “The purpose of an education is sating your curiosity about the world! It’s about intellectual pursuits, about… bettering your own nature and cultivating your mind and finding new ways to see the world and yourself in it. It’s about–”

“Though obviously,” Edith interrupts her husband, “not everyone can afford to have that mindset.”

“And it’s a damn shame,” Ansel says, shaking his head. “A damn shame.”

“Is it mainly the money you’re worried about?” Erwin asks Levi, almost like he’s trying to change the subject, looking stern but growing relieved when he sees Levi shrug. “You really shouldn’t worry about that. Like I said, it’s a non-issue. We’re always prepared to pay for the education of anyone who wants to pursue it. And I hope you know that no one here thinks of your education as a bad investment.”

“There’s no limit to what you can achieve, Levi,” Edith says so earnestly Levi feels his throat growing tight. “You’ve got the same capacity for learning as everyone else. There’s no reason why you can’t be whatever you want to be.”

“Of course it’ll be hard work,” Erwin says – as if Levi needs the reminder, “but we’ll all help you in whatever way you need – if you still want to apply yourself and do the work.”

“But if you’d just rather not go to school, if it’s something that you have no interest in or motivation for, of course we’ll support you in that too,” Edith hurries in to assure him. “You don’t ever have to think you won’t be welcome here if that’s what you decide, or that people will think less of you. I just don’t want you to make that decision based on you feeling like you’re not good enough or like you don’t deserve it.”

Levi stays quiet, biting his lip and thinking. It’s not that he doesn’t want to learn stuff. Though all the tutoring and lessons were hard before, it was kind of cool to actually feel like he knew something for a change, like he had something he could build on and things he actually understood. He’s never really thought about what he wants to be when he grows up – he always sort of just assumed he’d be… well, whatever the fuck Kenny is.

“Look, how about we…” Erwin starts, taking a pause as if to think. “How about I set up a meeting with the school for next week and we see where we’re at first? That way you won’t have to decide anything right now when you’ve only been back for a day. It’ll give you some more time to weigh your options.”

“Okay,” Levi agrees quietly.

“But I cannot stress this enough,” the man continues. “The money is not an issue. The pack’s money is spent on members of the pack as needed. As a member of my pack you’re as entitled to a share of it as everyone else.”

“Right,” Levi mutters, feeling a shudder running down his spine when he hears Erwin call him a member of his pack.

“And tutoring is also not a problem,” Edith adds, turning to look at Ansel. “The two of us can shoulder most of the responsibility, can’t we?”

“Provided there’s no considerable Flynn effect I think we ought to be able to handle it,” Ansel muses. “It’s an exciting thought, to be teaching someone again! I wonder if I still have the old SAT prep materials from when Erwin was in high school… though perhaps they’ve grown outdated by now.”

“I’d invest in new materials, dear,” Edith tells him. “A lot can change in a decade, after all.”

 

When they sit down with headmistress Reiss a few days later, it becomes quickly apparent that the whole back and forth about going back to school was more a waste of time than anything else. Ms. Reiss steeples her hands under her chin and looks at Levi from across her glass desk, looking both sad and stern.

“I’m sorry,” she starts and even then Levi knows what she’s going to say. “I accepted your attendance at the start of last term because there was still some wiggle room. However, the situation is very different now. You’ve simply got too many absences for the academic year for me to let you complete the term.”

“Is there really nothing you can do?” Erwin asks her in that same persuasive tone he used back in August, but the headmistress shakes her head sharply.

“I’m sorry. There really isn’t,” she says. “You know I would if I could, but my hands are tied. I’m sure you understand.”

“That’s a shame,” the man says and sighs, “but yes, I do understand.”

A silence falls over the room, and Levi can really sense Erwin’s disappointment. It mingles with his own – a confirmation that he really did want to come back to school despite everything he said before. Next to him, Edith grabs his hand and squeezes it for a few seconds.

“Can I give you some advice?” Ms. Reiss suddenly asks, turning to Levi. “I can tell you really want this, so I’d hate to see you give up just because things didn’t work out this time around. If you ask me, you should take the term off, keep up with the tutoring at home and come back after the summer. Repeat your senior year. It’ll give you more time to catch up with your school work and prep for your SATs.”

“I could do that?” Levi asks, frowning when he sees the headmistress’s vigorous nods.

“Absolutely,” she tells him. “I really think it’s the smartest way to go in your situation. Even if I could let you attend now, you’d have a really hard time keeping up with the teaching, let alone getting your grades up – as I’m sure you want to do. And if I’m being honest, you’d be quite late on starting your SAT prep, even if you only took it in June.”

“Well that certainly sounds like a viable option,” Erwin muses from his chair on Levi’s left.

“I know it can be a daunting thought, coming back to a senior class and being older than everyone else,” Ms. Reiss goes on, “but not everyone’s journey is the same, and you really need to find the alternative that best suits _your_ needs. There’s no shame in admitting you need more time due to personal circumstances.”

“What do you think?” Edith asks Levi after a few seconds of silence.

“I could even mark up the tuition payment from this year to the next, so it’d be all taken care of,” the headmistress adds. “A little concession among friends never hurt anyone.”

Levi glances at everyone else in the room and then turns to stare at the tips of his tennis shoes. The thought of walking into a classroom full of people a year younger than him makes him cringe, but not as badly as he thought it would. It’s hardly his fault Kenny decided to pull a stunt like that – though of course he’s the one who has to pay the price for it – and besides, why should he care what some asshole snobs think of him anyway?

“I guess that could work out,” he finally mutters, shuddering when the room fills with relief following his words.

“Great!” headmistress Reiss states and turns to her computer. “I’ll go ahead and sign you up for next year. But don’t think of this time as a chance to take it easy. I really do encourage you all to make a well-structured study plan and go over some of the study materials from your previous years of high school. You can find most of the books you’ll need in the town library, I’ll send you a list.”

“We’ll definitely do that,” Edith promises at once, taking Levi’s hand in hers again and giving it a good squeeze. “Thank you so much, Frieda.”

“No problem whatsoever, Edith,” she says, glancing up from her computer screen and flashing them all a smile. “I heard Ansel’s back.”

“Yes, he is,” Edith says, beaming a little when she sighs. “It’s good to have him home again.”

“I bet,” the headmistress says, eyes still scanning the screen. “How was his trip?”

“Eventful,” Edith tells her and laughs. “He came back with lots of ideas. I think it did him a world of good.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Ms. Reiss says, clicking a few times with her computer mouse and turning back to them. “That’s all settled then! You’ll get the usual letter before the start of term, provided there aren’t any more hiccups along the way.”

“I doubt there will be,” Erwin says, standing up and extending his hand; Levi follows his example. “Thanks again so much, Frieda.”

They all shake hands with the headmistress and take their leave much like they did the previous time, only now there’s snow on the ground and Levi skates his way to the car more than walks. He listens absently to Erwin and Edith as they continue to talk about the meeting; the only thing that’s stuck in his own head about it is the image of the handshake between Erwin and the headmistress. Closing around Ms. Reiss’, Erwin’s hand looked even bigger than it has before and suddenly Levi wonders if shaking hands with the man would feel the same as shaking hands with Ansel. It seems suddenly strange that they’ve never done that, that the only time they’ve touched was during the football game at the pack barbecue when Erwin rested his hand on Levi’s shoulder. Levi stares out the window and wonders who has the bigger hands, Erwin or his dad.

“Seatbelt,” the man states from behind the wheel and Levi buckles up without saying anything.

“Are you tired, sweetie?” Edith asks him. “I thought we could stop somewhere on the way back and get you some proper shoes for the winter.”

Levi agrees quickly; he doesn’t have the energy to protest the trip any more than he has the will to protest the price of the shoes. Erwin says they’ll last him for years, so it’s a good investment, and Levi doesn’t argue with his logic. They also buy him a black winter coat and a pair of warm gloves, a scarf and a dark green beanie that Edith says brings out his eyes. When she asks him if he needs anything else, Levi shakes his head and she doesn’t push it.

When Farlan comes over a few days later, Levi’s afraid he’ll get a lecture from the boy about not going back to school right away, but instead Farlan nods along to his story understandingly.

“All things considered, I think that’s definitely the best thing for you to do,” he tells Levi, lying on the bed while Levi sits on the chair by his desk. “It’s pretty amazing actually when you think about it. Now you can finally just take the time to catch up and really focus.”

“I guess,” Levi replies, smiling a little. “And I won’t have to bother you with it this time around.”

“You know it wasn’t a–”

“I know,” Levi interrupts Farlan’s protests, “but you know what I mean. It’s time you focused on your own shit too.”

“I guess you’re in good hands here,” Farlan says, sighing. “You’re happy about being back, right?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Levi replies at once. “It feels even better this time around.”

“Good,” Farlan states, folding one of his arms under his head. “I guess they really aren’t human traffickers.”

“Finally came to that conclusion?”

“Yeah,” Farlan says and yawns. “I decided when I came over to tell them how Kenny wouldn’t let me talk to you on the phone and how he wouldn’t let me visit you either. They had me stay for dinner and everything. Lovely people.”

“What do you mean Kenny didn’t let you visit?” Levi asks in confusion and Farlan frowns.

“I came by the trailer park the day after the phone call,” he says. “I thought you knew. Kenny had me turn back before I’d gotten anywhere near the house.”

“Piece of shit,” Levi swears under his breath. “He didn’t tell me anything about that.”

“Figures,” Farlan mutters, sighing again. “How did he take it when you left?”

Levi thinks back to the empty porch and closed door and shrugs. He doesn’t know what to say so he says nothing.

“You don’t feel _bad_ for–”

“No,” Levi rushes to put in, maybe a bit too quickly. “No, I don’t feel bad about it, or anything else.”

“Good,” Farlan states firmly. “It’s about time you got out of there for good.”

“Yeah,” Levi agrees, still feeling the frown tugging on his brows. “Yeah, it’s good to be out.”

He invites Farlan to stay for dinner to make it feel less weird to line up for the food all the way at the back of the line – something he’s still getting used to. The other boy seems much more impressed with the food than Levi is, piling a large helping of sprouts onto his plate. While they eat, Levi senses someone’s eyes on them, but he never catches anyone staring when he looks up from his plate.  

Later that evening when all the plates have been cleared and Farlan has gone home, Levi settles at the dining room table with Erwin, Ansel, Edith, and a pile of books. They go through them together and categorize all the lessons within them based on how much Levi can remember learning about them before. Many of them barely ring any bells at all, but some Levi still has memories of Farlan teaching him, huddled next to him on his bed when Levi had sneaked in through the window. By the end of it no one seems surprised that there are far more things he knows next to nothing about than there are things he knows well enough for them to be useful.

“It may seem daunting now,” Ansel comforts Levi when he drops his head onto his arms on the table, “but at least you have no aversion to knowledge. At your age you’ll pick this up faster than you know.”

And after a few days Levi has to admit there’s something relaxing about studying when there are no deadlines and no pop quizzes or exams – just Ansel for the most part with his low voice that reminds Levi of Erwin, and his never-ending reserve of patience, and Edith with her cups of tea. But Levi’s still happy to get his breaks and walk the dogs, wading through drifts of snow after them while his shirt sticks to his back as he sweats through it. The smell makes him self-conscious when he drops off the keys to the enclosure in Erwin’s office to pick them up again the next day.

“Do you mind if I join you?” Erwin asks one day, freezing Levi to his spot on the floor so totally that for a few seconds he doesn’t even think to nod or shrug.

He watches as Erwin shrugs into his olive green parka and pulls on a beanie before leading Levi out of the house. They don’t talk while they walk to the enclosure – and not for a while after that either. Levi watches the dogs as they leave yellow marks on the snow and chase each other, and all the time he can feel Erwin walking just a few feet to his right, big and tall, like he’s trying to make Levi nervous.

“Have you settled in well?” Erwin finally asks, out of the blue, like it’s an afterthought somehow.

Levi shrugs and keeps walking. “I guess,” he mutters. “Better than last time.”

“Good,” Erwin says, shuffling along at the snail’s pace he’s kept every since they stepped outside; you’d think someone with legs as long as his would move faster than that. “I’m glad to hear it.”

They fall quiet again, and Levi wonders if he’s supposed to say something, ask a question or just generally move the conversation forward – if a conversation is even what they’re having, or what Erwin’s aiming for. His brain is short-circuiting, like Erwin’s presence is scrambling up whatever incoherent thoughts he managed to have in the first place. So stupid to get all weird about something like that. As if they’ve never fucking met before in their lives.

“How do you feel about repeating your senior year?” Erwin asks him next, voice so soft and concerned that Levi feels it on the scar on his neck. “Are you still alright with that decision?”

Levi shrugs again. “It’s okay, I guess,” he says, kicking at the snow in front of his feet. “I mean, I guess it doesn’t make sense for me to drop out now. And I’d rather take a couple months off than try and go back to my old school or something.”

“You care about your grades?”

“Might as well make an effort, you know?” Levi says, looking out at the dogs though he feels Erwin’s eyes on him. “Otherwise I’m just wasting everyone’s time, right?”

“I suppose that’s one way of looking at it,” Erwin agrees quietly, dragging his feet on the path and forcing Levi to slow down even more. “And what about Kenny? How do you feel about… everything that happened back there?”

Levi stays quiet and frowns, suddenly feeling suspicious. Why the hell is Erwin asking him all this? And why is he bringing up Kenny of all the fucking things they could talk about?

“I understand you probably don’t want to talk to me about any of it,” the man continues when Levi doesn’t speak, “but I hope you know there are people you can talk to, if you need to. If something happened that’s weighing on your mind. We can even find someone outside the pack if you–”

“I don’t need any of that,” Levi states quickly when he realises what Erwin’s getting at. “It was just like it’s always been. I don’t need to talk to anyone about that.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” Levi says firmly, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Besides, I don’t really want to think about it.”

“That’s okay too,” Erwin tells him softly, catching up to him on the path. “It’s not an offer that expires, so… if you ever change your mind.”

“Thanks,” Levi mutters; the word feels clumsy and ugly falling out of his mouth.

They continue on in silence, like neither one of them knows what to say to the other. Levi spends a good five minutes trying to come up with something, but when he tries to guess what sort of things Erwin usually talks about, all he can think of are tax plans and interest rates and other boring shit he doesn’t know anything about. It seems like Erwin’s at a similar loss, and the longer they walk at the ridiculous pace he’s keeping, the more frustrated Levi grows – so much so that by the time they get the dogs back to the enclosure, he’s happy to go back indoors and do something else. But when he walks in to the kitchen with Erwin still inexplicably on his heels – he muttered something about a coffee refill – he finds the whole room dark with all the lights turned off and curtains drawn across the windows.

“What the hell?” Levi mutters when he reaches for the light switch, flicking it and somehow producing a chorus of shouting voices that startle him into stepping back and bumping into Erwin.

“Happy birthday, Levi!” Isabel shouts from over by the sink, and she’s not the only one.

Everyone is there. Edith and Ansel. The pups. Mike and Nan. Nile and Marie. Everyone. There’s a big banner above the kitchen island that reads ‘Happy birthday’ in big, bulky letters.

“What the fuck is all this?” Levi asks, taking a hesitant step forward and muttering a quick apology behind himself at Erwin.

“Since we missed your birthday, we decided to throw you a late party,” Edith explains, turning to her right. “Mike, go get the cake, get the cake.”

“You know you really didn’t have to.” Levi barely manages to get the words out through the tightness in his throat when he watches Mike disappearing into the pantry and walking out a few second later holding a giant cake with a fuckton of candles sticking out of it. “Seriously, it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, come on now!” Nan scolds him and grabs his elbow to drag him to the kitchen island. “It’s not every day that you turn eighteen! Lighten up a little!”

She sits Levi down at the table and Mike sets the cake down in front of him. It’s all strange and overwhelming, all the emotion in the room rippling around him like the air above the candles and just then Levi decides it hardly matters what he thinks about all this, about birthdays and parties and blowing out candles and all that shit. They’re happy to do this for him, for whatever incomprehensible reason, and he’d be an asshole to take that away from them.

“Go on then,” Edith says, her eyes bright by the light of the candles. “Make a wish.”

Levi draws a smile on his lips, pausing for a moment before blowing out the little flames, even though he can’t think of anything to wish for. It makes them cheer and clap their hands, and at the end of the day that’s all Levi could’ve hoped for anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my [tumblr](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com)  
> my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hederahelix_)

Levi looks up from the path that cuts through the snow like a trench, shielding his eyes when a new gust of wind pushes icy little flakes onto the small patches of skin visible between his beanie and the scarf he has wrapped around his neck – a birthday present from Erwin. Despite the numbness brought on by the cold, the snow blowing into his face feels like being pricked with tiny needles over and over again – but from the neck down his body is covered in sweat. Levi lets out a few panting breaths and picks up the shovel again. He gathers as much of the fresh snow onto it as he can before throwing it over one of the tall drifts that have risen on either side of the path as they’ve cleared it again and again during the day and over the past weeks. He can feel the effort in the muscles of his arms and he stops to lean on the shovel again and to check the time from his phone.

He finishes up shoveling the path over to the enclosure as fast as he can, catching a glimpse of Erwin sitting by his desk when he circles the house to clear a path to the second entrance. He doesn’t use it when he goes back indoors; he’d rather not have to cut through Erwin’s quarters even under these circumstances. Instead he goes around the house again and leaves his clothes and shoes in the little mudroom to dry. He pulls on a pair of slippers before he shuffles into the kitchen and blows his nose on some paper towel. Edith has been baking and the oven is still radiating heat around it.

“There’s some hot water in the thermos if you want a cup of tea,” she tells Levi from over at the kitchen island where she’s reading something off a tablet. “Try the cookies too.”

“Thanks,” Levi calls behind himself almost absently, measuring some loose leaf Earl Gray into a strainer.

He pops a cookie into his mouth and grabs another two with his free hand before he carries the mug of tea over to the island when he sits down opposite of Edith. He eats the first cookie quickly – oatmeal and raisin – while she reaches over and tries his cheeks with the back of her hand.

“So cold,” she comments. “Is it still as windy out there?”

“Worse than before,” Levi says, blowing into his cup of tea and pressing the side of his mug against his face.

“I hope the power doesn’t go out,” Edith says, sounding worried. “It’s been a couple of years since we had a storm as bad as this.”

“What’ll happen if the power goes out?” Levi asks; it takes Edith a few seconds to look up from her reading.

“Oh, nothing serious,” she assures him. “The main house has a backup generator – and even if that stops working, we can light the fireplaces. It’ll just be a hassle getting the pups over in that weather, that’s all.”

Levi grunts a reply and shoves another cookie into his mouth just as Mike and Nan walk in, rubbing their hands together, red-cheeked and shivering.

“Is there tea?” Nan asks, almost running over to the thermos when Edith nods.

“We cleared the way all through to the main road,” Mike says, sitting down at the kitchen island and thanking Nan when she hands him his mug of tea, “but I reckon we’ll need to go again before the day is done if it keeps coming down like this.”

“But at least we won’t be snowed in,” Nan says and exhales heavily. “The plow for the pick-up was definitely not money down the drain.”

“That’s good to hear, darling,” Edith replies, still distracted by the things she’s reading.

“Shoveling all that snow is quite a work-out, huh?” Nan asks Levi, no doubt smelling all the sweat under his hoodie and t-shirt. “Especially when it’s all wet and heavy like this.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Levi huffs, feeling the ache in his arm when he lifts his hand to take a sip out of his mug.

“It’s good exercise,” Mike mutters, nodding a hello at Ansel when he walks in, grabbing a cookie from on top of the stove before joining the rest of them at the table.

“You ready for your lesson?” he asks Levi, laughing when he gets a heavy sigh as a reply. “Not sick of learning, are you?”

“No, just tired,” Levi assures the man. “Do you mind if I finish my cup of tea first?”

“By all means, do,” Ansel tells him, pushing his glasses further up his nose; Erwin’s nose. “And have some more cookies! I baked them for everyone to enjoy.”

“You baked them?” Levi asks, scoffing when Ansel nods.

“They were the one thing I craved when I was living with the Buryat shamans,” the man says, taking a bit of his cookie and smiling. “Michael, Nanaba – have a cookie.”

“No thanks, dad,” Mike says and laughs. “I ate enough out of the previous eight batches you made.”

“I’m with Mike,” Nan agrees, glancing at the cookie Levi’s holding and shuddering.

The door goes again and Erwin steps in – to refill his coffee mug; damn he drinks a lot of coffee. Levi keeps glancing up at him – perfect hair, clothes as neat as ever; a navy blue sweater and gray slacks – still sensing that quiet unease coming off the man, though much weaker than before.

“Did I see you shoveling snow outside my window earlier?” he asks Levi while he stirs oat milk into his coffee, nodding when Levi does. “Thank you. Your participation is much appreciated.”

Levi catches Mike and Nan sharing a look and he shrugs. “It’s what everyone does around here, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” Erwin agrees, still hovering by the coffee maker like for some reason he doesn’t want to come any closer to the island. “But still… always nice to know your input is appreciated, isn’t it?”

“I guess,” Levi mutters, turning back to his mug of tea when a silence falls over the room.

“Well…” Erwin finally mutters after a handful of awkward seconds. “I best be getting back to work.”

“Have fun,” Nan mutters, something amused in her tone – which Erwin clearly doesn’t appreciate judging by the dismay he radiates. When he walks out, Nan and Mike share another look, but neither of them says anything.

After finishing his tea, Levi runs upstairs to get his books. He sits back down at the kitchen island with Ansel, who checks his trigonometry homework and finds only two minor mistakes. He doesn’t say where Levi’s gone wrong, but makes him work through the exercises again to realize it for himself, pointing him in the right direction when they go through the lesson again.

“I know it’s frustrating and time consuming,” he says when Levi groans a little, erasing a long string of calculations, “but it’s the most effective way to learn.”

“Yeah, I know,” Levi mutters and sighs. “And it’s fine. I just wish we could get on with it already.”

“It’s good you don’t dwell on your mistakes,” Ansel tells him. “You’re not like Erwin in that, I’m glad to say. But it’s good to give them a quick look to see what you can learn from them.”

“No, I get it,” Levi says, leaning his forehead onto the palm of his hand when he bends over the homework and squints as if that’ll help him see what he did wrong.

“Take your time,” Ansel reminds him gently. “There’s no rush. We can go over it as many times as you want.”

History follows trigonometry and English follows history until it’s time for dinner prep and Nan, Mike and Edith come back to the kitchen, followed soon after by Marie and Nile and Erwin; the three look tense, like they’ve all been doing something they’d rather not. Levi keeps his distance from them, shuddering at all the weird shit they’re feeling when he sets up his chopping board at the kitchen island.

“You should wear your apron,” Nan whispers to him in passing. “You don’t want Mama to have to remind you about it.”

Levi glances at Edith who seems happy enough to be talking with Ansel – too busy gazing into his eyes to notice who’s wearing an apron and who isn’t. But still, with a heavy sigh, Levi gets up and fetches his Christmas and/or birthday present from the pantry and hangs it around his neck, looking dejectedly down at the bulky letters on the chest that read “Small bite, big flavor.” Though, he supposes, Edith’s wide, excited smile makes it worth wearing something so embarrassing. And it’s not as if it’s as bad as Ansel’s, which reads “I believe I can fry.”

After dinner Levi and Isabel go out to help Nile and Marie clear the fresh snow off the paths again. It’s still coming down but less heavily now, large flakes catching on their eyelashes and melting down their faces. Once they’re done, Levi drags his sweaty and aching body into the shower and leans against the tiled wall, letting the warm water wash over his stomach and down to the hand he wraps around his cock. It feels so good to be doing it again, and the climax brings Levi to his tiptoes and makes him arch his back off the wall. His lingering pleasure isn’t even dimmed by the fact the guy he imagined sucking him off had blond hair and thick forearms. It’s not Erwin, though. Safely faceless and nameless.

 

The snowfall has eased enough by the following morning for Farlan to drive over for a visit. He happens by during Levi’s chemistry lesson and eats a good dozen of Ansel’s oatmeal and raisin cookies while he waits for them to be done.

“You are really taking all this school stuff seriously,” Farlan comments once they’re up in Levi’s room, sitting down on the bed first chance he gets and watching as Levi marks his homework up in the little notebook he uses to track them.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Levi says, sitting down in his desk chair. “I kind of like it. Learning new stuff.”

“I am honestly impressed,” Farlan comments, pulling his phone out of his pocket when it lets out a weird trilling sound. “I think it’d be really difficult for me to get that kind of self-discipline together if I was studying at home.”

“Well, Ansel and Edith help a lot,” Levi tells the boy whose thumbs are quickly typing out a message. “They plan all the lessons and everything and tell me what to do and when, so it’s not like I’ve had to do that shit alone.”

“Still,” Farlan mutters, eyes never leaving the screen, “it’s pretty amazing. You’ve probably done more work here in the past month than you did at Kenny’s in a whole year.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

Farlan finishes typing the message but doesn’t put his phone back in his pocket. It makes another trilling sound in a few seconds and Farlan grabs it quickly, peering at the screen for a little while before his thumbs start flying across it again.

“So what do you want to do?” Levi asks him, but the only reply he gets is a long “umm” that Farlan stretches out until he’s done writing the message.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” he asks Levi who frowns.

“Is Kevin sexting you or something?” he asks Farlan who shakes his head.

“No, we don’t really talk anymore,” he says and sighs. “He started seeing someone before Christmas.”

“Oh,” Levi voices, feeling guilty for not knowing about it. “Sorry.”

Farlan shrugs. “It’s okay,” he says. “It’s not like we were… you know, anything.”

“Right,” Levi mutters, scratching the back of his head. “So what’s with the texts?”

He catches the embarrassment coming off Farlan for a few seconds before the boy says, “It’s just… I downloaded Grindr.”

Levi needs to think for a second. “The gay hookup app?” he asks to confirm, then snorts when Farlan nods. “Seriously?”

“I just wanted to see what it was like,” he says, a little defensively. “Besides, how else are you going to meet anyone in this town?”

“So have you hooked up with–”

“No,” Farlan denies at once. “Not yet, anyway. I’ve just been talking to some people.”

“Talking to some people,” Levi repeats and snorts. “Any dick pics?”

Farlan stays quiet for a few seconds, then shrugs and grimaces. “Just a couple,” he says, shuffling further onto the bed when Levi sits down next to him.

“Let’s see your profile then,” he says, grabbing Farlan’s phone once he’s opened the app, looking at the picture Farlan’s chosen of himself; his face and bare shoulders, no chest or abs or god forbid anything else. “Surprisingly tasteful.”

“Thanks,” Farlan says, sounding genuinely grateful and missing the sting in the comment. “I didn’t want to use a really provocative pic. This one’s getting me enough of the nasty stuff already.”

“So people really do shit like that?”

“Oh yeah,” Farlan voices, flipping through his messages and showing Levi one where the angry-red dick fills the whole space and makes Levi screw up his face. “I told him I’m just there to talk to people and he said no one’s on Grindr to just talk.”

Levi snorts. “Fucking disgusting,” he says, leaning against the wall. “So have you met anyone decent?”

“I don’t know,” Farlan says, smiling. “I’ve talked to a couple of guys who seem nice. One of them used to go to our high school. He’s like two years older than us I think.”

Farlan shows him a picture and Levi nods. “Oh yeah, I remember him,” he says. “I think he gave me a quarter once when I was short on lunch money.”

“Yeah, he seems okay,” Farlan says, falling quiet to type another message. “Hey, speaking of guys from our high school. You know Brad Pullman?”

“That guy on the track team?” Levi asks, cringing when he remembers the stench of come that always clung to the guy with varying levels of intensity. “Yeah, what about him?”

“He like… totally made me grab his dick the other day.”

“He did what?” Levi asks, laughing a little when Farlan does. “How the fuck do you _make_ someone grab your dick?”

“He just…” Farlan starts, shaking his head. “He just grabbed my hand and… you know, made me grab his dick.”

“Jesus,” Levi huffs. “Did you punch him at least?”

“No.”

“Why the fuck not?” Levi insist, huffing again when Farlan shrugs.

“I don’t know,” the boy protests. “It’s not like I get the opportunity to touch someone’s junk every day.”

Levi frowns and imagines himself in the same situation. He would’ve gone for the punch. No hesitation.

“Was he hard?”

Farlan grimaces. “Meh,” he voices. “Halfway there.”

“Why does all this weird shit always happen to you?” he asks Farlan instead of arguing further and the boy shrugs.

“I don’t know,” he groans. “Probably something I’m putting out there.”

“I guess you do have that look,” Levi agrees and sighs. “Well, if you ever need me to beat someone up, just let me know.”

“Will do,” Farlan says, already distracted by another message on his phone.

He stays for lunch and manages to keep his eyes off his phone for the duration of it. Afterwards they sit at the dining room table and play Monopoly with Isabel. Erwin pops around halfway through and watches them play for a few minutes while taking sips out of his thermos cup, smiling knowingly when Isabel builds a new score of hotels. Less than two hours later, both Levi and Farlan are bankrupt, and Isabel has a whole fleet of hotels across the board.

“How the hell are you so good at this?” Levi snaps, throwing down the rest of his property cards in the middle of the board.

“Erwin taught me,” Isabel merely says – and really, he should’ve seen the reply coming. Goddamn king of real estate.

“Well, I’m officially broke,” Farlan says, handing over his last remaining bills before leaning back in his chair and yawning. “Erwin must be a good teacher.”

“He is,” Isabel says, forming neat little piles out of all her not-so-hard-won money and properties. “You should see him and Ansel and Mama play. It goes on for days.”

Levi snorts and grabs a cookie to soothe the soreness of losing. He wonders if Erwin would teach him all his tricks if he asked, but soon decides he doesn’t care enough about a stupid game to bother the man with it. Clearly he’s busy enough as it is, working even on a Saturday.

 

Farlan takes his leave after that, and Levi walks him to the door where he stops to read through all the messages he’s gotten during lunch while trying to pull on his coat and scarf and keep up a conversation about his SATs with Levi at the same time. Finally Levi snatches the phone out of his hand and tells him to stop fucking about when the boy nearly falls over trying to get his arm into a sleeve.

“You can get this back when you’re not a danger to yourself anymore,” Levi tells him and he snorts.

“It’s better I check them now and not while I’m driving,” Farlan comments, but doesn’t complain any further.

The kitchen door opens then and Erwin walks out with Flagon; Levi only glances at them in passing, catching the word “quarterly report” in their conversation and deciding he’ll be better off tuning it out – until a strange feeling hits him soon after, a kind of anxious dread he finds familiar but out of place. He looks behind himself again, expecting to see discomfort on Erwin’s face – but it turns out he’s not the culprit this time.

“Flagon?” Levi can hear Erwin asking the other man, who seems to flinch out of something, like he’s forgotten Erwin’s presence. “You okay?”

“I…” Flagon stammers, glancing at Levi and Farlan like he’s dreading nothing more. “I’m sorry, I can’t… I have to go, we can… talk about this later.”

Without saying anything further, Flagon half-runs into the mudroom and through it to the door. He slams it shut behind himself hard enough to make the brass knocker rattle.

“What the hell was that all about?” Farlan asks him in a mumble and Levi shrugs. Well, at least the man’s behavior is as crazy as his name.

After Farlan’s driven off, Levi joins Mike and Nan in the living room, where they’re watching a hockey game on the enormous flat screen television. He doesn’t really care about the sport, but it’s nice to just sit around and do nothing for a change. Edith and Ansel come in soon too; she knits while he keeps up a distracted conversation with Mike and Nan about the game. Erwin doesn’t come out of his cave until it’s time for dinner prep. Levi sees him talking with Ansel for a few minutes before the man crosses the room and forces Levi to lay down his potato peeler by addressing him. Levi doesn’t understand why his heart starts beating faster in his chest then.

“I was wondering if I could trouble you with something,” Erwin says, sitting down on the empty spot on the bench next to Levi, smelling like coffee and a hint of nerves.

“Sure,” Levi tells him. “Shoot.”

“We’ve got a big pack meeting coming up in a couple of weeks,” Erwin explains, “and there’s a lot to do regarding it. I guess I’ve been busy with other things, so I’m a little behind on the preparations. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind giving me a hand.”

Levi frowns and stares at Erwin for a couple of seconds, unable to get a word out. He imagines it in a flash: spending hours in Erwin’s office, surrounded by his smell, doing his bidding. A shiver runs down his spine.

“What kind of help do you need?”

“Oh, nothing too difficult,” the man hurries to assure him. “Just helping me arrange the materials – mainly just printing things out and keeping everything organized, helping me keep track of everything and run errands, that sort of thing.”

“Err…” Levi hesitates for a moment, meeting Erwin’s eyes for a second but looking away just as quickly. “Sure. I guess I can do that.”

“Great!” Erwin tells him and smiles so softly it makes Levi’s breath catch in his throat. “Just come by some time after breakfast tomorrow and we’ll get started.”

“Yeah, okay,” Levi mutters, turning back to the potatoes he’s peeling in a hurry, his head still swimming a little.

He keeps stealing glances at Erwin all through the dinner, trying to figure out what has prompted this sudden mood change. After all, the man could’ve asked anyone else to help him out, but he chose to ask Levi instead. Clearly whatever awkwardness Erwin felt before is gone now, and Levi wonders whether it’s all down to things being overall better now or whether there’s something else behind it.

“You alright, little one?” Edith ask him at one point, having had to repeat herself several times to catch Levi’s attention. “You seem a bit distracted.”

“No, I’m fine,” Levi tells her, digging into his potatoes and mushrooms again. “Just a bit tired I guess.”

“You should take a nap after dinner,” the woman says, still frowning when Levi shakes his head. “Get some rest.”

“It’s okay,” he assures her after he’s swallowed the mouthful of food. “I’ll just read or something.”

“Well if you’re sure,” she says, passing her hand across his cheek. “It’s been a while since we really talked about how you’re doing. How you’re settling in this time around and all that.”

“I’m doing great,” Levi tells her – and he really believes it. “And I’m fine about school and everything too in case you were worried.”

“Good.” Edith smiles, radiating all kinds of warm and fuzzy feeling that make Levi’s skin tingle. “And what about your uncle? Do you miss him at all? Have you called him or–”

“No, I haven’t called,” Levi says and frowns, wondering about Edith’s question and how to answer it. He thinks of Kenny alone in the house, drinking bourbon and flipping through the channels on the TV, and in the end he doesn’t feel like saying anything about whether he misses the man or not. “Kenny’s not really the talking on the phone sort.”

“Oh,” Edith voices, her hand twitching like she wants to touch Levi’s face again. “Well, if you ever want to go visit him, I’m sure we can try and arrange–”

“It’s okay,” Levi interrupts her again. “I’m good.”

“As long as you know the option is available,” she says, patting Levi’s hand on the table.

That night when Levi goes up to his bedroom, he drags the CD player out of the closet where he shoved it when he got back. He listens to the whole album lying on his bed, reading and staring at the ceiling, not really trying not to think for a change. He tries to remember what it feels like to miss someone, first thinking back to the trailer park and then all the way back to when his mother died, but whatever he’s going through now isn’t the same. He doesn’t miss the trailer park, and there sure as shit are more things he doesn’t miss about Kenny than there are those he does. But still, there’s a weird feeling deep in his chest he can’t ignore – like a hollowness that’s more pity and upset than love.

A memory floats to his mind from some long-ignored depths of the time he came back to the trailer park after his mother had died. He had nightmares about it – and who the hell wouldn’t, having to sleep in a bed that smelled just like her – and one night he wet the bed in his sleep. He thought Kenny would be mad at him, so he tried to gather up all the furs and pelts and wash them himself only to have Kenny catch him shoving the whole lot of them under the shower in the bathroom. He thought Kenny would yell – he still remembers how he flinched at the sight of the man – but instead the man helped Levi to wash and change and tucked him in to sleep in his own bed; the whisky and cigarettes smelled better back then. It’s things like that, Levi thinks, that make it so difficult to flat out hate Kenny for all the shit he’s pulled. Those little acts of kindness. The roof over his head when lots of others would’ve thrown him out on his ass. The nonsense dream that Levi would run Kenny’s pack one day.

The CD plays its last and Levi turns over in the bed to switch the player off. He picks up his phone to check for messages, then sighs and adds the number for the landline at the house to his contacts under ‘Kenny’. He doesn’t call, and doesn’t know under what kind of circumstances he ever would. He stares at the sequence of numbers for another moment before putting his phone away, only to pick it up again a minute later. After hesitating for a moment, he opens the app store and searches – it’s the first thing that pops up. He pauses for another few seconds before downloading it. He deletes the icon from his start screen as soon as it appears and opens it only then.

When the app asks Levi for his location, he nearly freaks out and deletes the whole thing, but after a couple of seconds just denies the request and starts filling out his profile. It takes him surprisingly long – surprising mainly because he leaves most of the fields empty. He snaps a quick pic of his raised middle finger for his profile picture to keep creeps at bay and because he doesn’t want to show his face, let alone anything else.

“What the hell am I even doing this for?” he mutters under his breath and considers deleting the app again, but his curiosity is too great.

He looks through the profiles until he finds Farlan. The boy has added a couple of details about himself to his profile: his weight and height and HIV status. Not looking to hook up. Sure. Levi snorts to himself and thinks about sending Farlan a message through the app – the image of the boy jumping up to read it only to be disappointed is funny enough – but decides against it. He keeps looking through the profiles. He hadn’t realized how many guys in the town are up for doing it with another guy – he even recognizes a couple of faces which creeps him out for some reason. He doesn’t even think about sending anyone a message, and he doesn’t get any, not during the night either.

Like they agreed, Levi goes to Erwin’s office after breakfast – the man must’ve eaten when he got up hours earlier – knocking on the door a little nervously and marching in before Erwin gets a chance to say anything. The smell hits him like a punch in the gut: sweat and musk that drown out most of the other scents in the rooms, the traces of smoke, coffee and wood. Erwin’s wearing his running gear, the tight fabric clinging to his thighs and calves like a second skin. Levi swallows so hard he’s sure Erwin hears it all the way across the room.

“Sorry,” the man apologizes, throwing the wad of papers he’s holding onto the desk in front of him and turning to Levi. “Must’ve slipped my mind you were coming by. Err…”

There’s the familiar uncertainty now, that same embarrassment Levi’s caught coming off the man so many times before. Or no, not quite the same embarrassment. This has less to do with Erwin himself and more to do with the fact Levi’s in the room at this particular moment. The word “compatible” flashes through Levi’s mind and he shudders.

“I can come back later if–”

“No, it’s okay. I just…” Erwin pauses for a moment, staring at the mess of papers on his desk and biting his lip before looking up at Levi, frowning and smiling all at once. “Do you mind waiting for a minute if I have a quick shower?”

“Sure,” Levi says at once, pushing his hands into the pockets of his hoodie to give them something to do. “I don’t mind.”

“Great, thanks,” the man says, relieved. “Just make yourself at home.”

“Sure,” Levi says again.

But even after Erwin leaves, he can’t relax even a little bit. He walks around the room, takes a look at the mess littering the desk, – graphs and charts and lines and lines of text – squints at the books in the bookshelves – lots of stuff with the word “management” in the title – and tries to settle down in the chair by the desk, but gets back on his feet almost at once. His ears keep picking up the sound of splashing water from somewhere deeper within the alpha’s rooms though he tries not to hear it. Finally he pulls an old book out of the bookshelf and starts flipping through it. Werewolf lore from way back when. Pretty ridiculous stuff, some of it.

Erwin returns a couple minutes later, dressed in clean clothes, his hair neatly combed but dripping water onto his gray collar shirt. He clears his throat when he walks across the room back to his desk and picks up the papers he was reading through earlier, placing them in front of the desk chair and sitting down.

“Sorry about that,” he apologizes again and draws his chair closer to his desk. “So… are you any good with computers?”

Levi shrugs. “We didn’t have one at the house,” he says, “but I’ve used them at school for homework and projects and stuff like that.”

“Great,” Erwin comments, typing something into the sleek silver laptop on his desk. “I’ve got a lot of stuff that needs to be printed out. Think you can handle that?”

“Doesn’t sound too complicated,” Levi mutters, folding his arms across his chest when Erwin makes room at the laptop.

“Essentially I need every file in this folder printed out,” Erwin tells him, showing him the files.

“What are they?”

“Just statistics from the meeting we had a year ago and things like that,” the man explains quickly. “Always good to illustrate changes on the annual level.”

“Right,” Levi says, straightening his back. “I can do that.”

“Great,” Erwin says again, handing over the laptop. “Just pull up a chair and… the printer’s wireless, so you can just get to it. But it would help if you kept things as organized as possible. It just makes it easier for me to go through them later.”

“Sure,” Levi says, drawing one of the chairs on the other side of the desk closer to it so he can place the laptop on the edge. “Isn’t it bad for the trees and shit? To print stuff out?”

Across the desk, Erwin grimaces.

“It would be better to just read them off a screen,” he admits, “but I hate doing that. I understand things better when I read them off a sheet of paper, unfortunately.”

“At least you recycle, right?” Levi asks, smiling when Erwin does.

“Yes,” the man agrees. “At least I recycle.”

They get to work and Levi soon has to admit it’s not bad at all. He gets quickly into rhythm with it, taking his cues from the mechanic whirring of the printer. He staples each set of papers together while the next batch is being printed out, placing them all in a neat pile next to the laptop. But underneath all the work, a question keeps haunting him and finally he blurts it out.

“Do you still run in the woods?”

The question takes Erwin by surprise, Levi can tell from the way his focus shifts and sharpens, from the moment of confusion he has before he answers.

“No, not during the winter months,” he says, meeting Levi’s gaze for the few seconds he manages to hold it. “I run at the gym until most of the snow melts.”

“The gym?”

“Mike and Nan have one in their house,” Erwin explains. “You could come along sometime, if you’d like.”

Levi imagines it for a moment: surrounded by the smell of Erwin’s sweat in some badly ventilated room, watching the muscles of his thighs bulging when he runs on the treadmill for miles and miles. He wants to give an answer that’s evasive enough to not be a yes, but not an outright no fucking way either. But then he thinks of his own scrawny arms and skinny chicken legs.

“Yeah,” he says, meeting Erwin’s eyes for a gut-wrenching four seconds. “Yeah, maybe I will.”

“You’re welcome whenever,” the man says, again relieved and at ease.

Levi takes a break from the work for the duration of his lessons, but goes back for a while before the dinner prep starts. By then he’s done with all the printing and Erwin has him sending out emails instead to all the pack members to remind them of when the meeting will be held. He gets the chance to mark the first responses down onto a chart Erwin’s printed out for him.

“Thanks so much for giving me a hand with all this,” the man tells him when they finally break for dinner. “It really is a huge help.”

“No problem,” Levi says, stretching his arms above his head and yawning.

 

Over the next week Levi learns to look forward to the quiet hours in Erwin’s office, just carrying out one simple task after another. Erwin thanks him every morning before they start and every afternoon when they stop, and day by day the warm feeling it pours into Levi’s chest keeps getting stronger and stronger. One time Erwin takes several minutes to tell him he’s done a great job and Levi can feel his whole face growing hot and flushed while the scar on his neck nearly throbs.

He gets more familiar with the work as the days go by and learns to anticipate what Erwin wants, even sometimes suggesting things for himself to do, asking if he can organize the contents of a filing cabinet when he sees it’s all stupidly arranged and unlabeled. Erwin doesn’t deny any of his requests and even takes him to a office supply store while they’re out running errands in preparation for the meeting. Levi finds half a hundred things he thinks would be useful, but in the end he settles for a new stapler and a score of post-its in different sizes, as well as a label maker. He gathers them all to his little corner by the printer where he’s made a little space for himself and he doesn’t even understand himself why something so simple can make him feel so good.

A new blizzard sweeps in a week after the first, and they all get busy shoveling snow again. Despite all their efforts, by dinner time the snowfall and the wind have covered the paths so badly that everyone except Mike and Nan call Edith to let her know they’ve decided against trying to make it to the main house through the storm.

“I guess it’s just us then,” she says and sighs, looking around at the five of them sitting around the kitchen island. “What should we cook?”

“I have a suggestion,” Ansel says, crossing the room to place his arm onto Edith’s shoulder. “How about all of you go relax in the living room while I cook up something?”

“You don’t mind?”

“No, not at all,” Ansel assures her, smiling. “I’ve got a tasty little Nepalese dish I’ve been meaning to test in any case. What better opportunity?”

Once they sit down to eat, Levi has his doubts about the weird looking grayish noodles on his plate, but the dish turns out to be surprisingly tasty. Mike gets a jar of kimchi for the table, and Levi piles a good helping onto his plate, snorting when Erwin refuses politely. Outside the kitchen window the storm continues to rage, whistling in the corners of the house and the frames of the glass, but around the kitchen island everything’s cozy and calm. Even Erwin seems to be as relaxed as he can possibly be.

Up until a soft trilling sounds from Levi’s pocket.

No one else seems to notice it, and Levi himself barely realizes what’s caused the sound – he’d almost forgotten he downloaded the app – but the air around Erwin electrifies as his head whips around toward Levi. Their eyes meet for a few seconds before Levi scrambles to pull his phone out of his pocket and turn it on silent. He doesn’t stop to check the message but plunges the phone right back into the pocket of his hoodie instead. When he looks up, he catches Ansel’s eyes shifting confusedly between him and Erwin, like he’s trying to fathom out what just happened. Levi dares a glance at Erwin too, but the man has turned back to his meal and after a few seconds he rejoins the conversation Edith and Nan are having about Korean culture – but the relaxed ease he had before is gone now, and feeling it makes Levi’s face grow warm.

The dinner stretches on to tea and biscuits, but after the first cup, Levi drives the rest of them out of the kitchen and starts clearing up the dishes. Only then does he check the message that turns out to be from Farlan. Well, at least it’s not from some creepy perv.

“Levi,” Erwin asks quietly from the door of the kitchen, startling Levi nearly badly enough to make him drop his phone into the sink. “Could I have a word?”

Levi’s heart starts beating wildly in his chest, and his breath escapes in a heavy puff that barely carries out the “sure” he gives Erwin as a reply though he’d rather just shake his head and run up to his room to avoid the conversation. He watches Erwin walking forward, slowly and hesitantly, like he’s just as unwilling to have this talk as Levi himself is.

“I don’t want you to think I’m judging you in any way,” the man starts, glancing quickly at the phone Levi’s still holding in his hand. “You’re eighteen, and you’re allowed to make those kinds of decisions about… those aspects of your life. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with… well, keeping things casual, I guess is the diplomatic way to put it…”

It’s only when Erwin’s words trail off for a second that Levi realizes it. Erwin knows because _he knows_.

“I suppose I just wanted to make sure…” the man starts again while Levi still stands there, all the words failing him at the same time. “Well, you know. There are some safety concerns involved in those kinds of activities and I thought I’d make sure you’re mindful of them and that you’re not… taking unnecessary risks, so to speak, or–”

“No, I’m not,” Levi finally manages to interject. “I haven’t done… I mean, I’m not going to do that kind of… I’m not interested in that. I was just…”

He doesn’t know how to end his sentence because he doesn’t know why the fuck he downloaded the app in the first place. He wasn’t looking to hook up, but now it feels childish to say he was just curious or that he just wanted to see Farlan’s profile. The last thing he wants is for Erwin to still see him as a fucking brat.

“Like I said, I’m not judging you,” Erwin says again. “I just want you to be safe.”

“Sure,” Levi mutters, hovering between telling the man again that he’s not planning on doing anything with the app other than keep an eye on Farlan and letting him believe he’s trying to get laid – responsibly, like a grown-up. Why he makes the decision he does is beyond him. “I’m not hooking up with anyone. And I’m not going to. I was just curious.”

“Oh,” Erwin voices, a little surprised – a sting and a relief. “Well, like I said, there’s nothing _wrong_ with that. So long as you look after yourself.”

“Right,” Levi says, pushing the phone back into his pocket. “I’m not though. Doing that.”

“Understood,” Erwin says, flashing him a quick smile. “You need any help with the dishes?”

“No I got it,” Levi tells him hastily, only managing to breathe when the man finally leaves the room.

That night Levi deletes the app – but not before he tries to find Erwin’s profile on it. He doesn’t, which must mean the man doesn’t have one anymore. Just the thought he did at one point makes Levi feel out of breath. He wonders what sort of profile picture Erwin used. Did he go for a classy face shot or the anonymous abs? Rightfully he should’ve just taken a picture of his thighs. His phone would’ve been blowing up around the clock.

Before he really realizes what he’s doing, Levi’s slid his hand into his boxer briefs. He imagines the scenario in his head: meeting Erwin through Grindr, showing up at his separate entrance to the house, being invited in. He knows Erwin would take his time – but right now time is a luxury he doesn’t have. They get straight into it, kissing, – he’s never imagined kissing before – pulling at each other’s clothes, stumbling over each other’s feet. Erwin’s bedroom is dark and smells like him through and through. When they fall onto the bed, the scent wafts up from his sheets, surrounding Levi, enveloping them both. Erwin’s kisses travel lower, across Levi’s chest, over his nipples that his fingers are busy playing with, over his stomach, down to–

The climax takes Levi by surprise and he hisses a swear under his breath when he crashes over, disappointed he couldn’t hold it, to make it better, to keep imagining Erwin looking up at him. But the daydream feels sordid now, like he’s encroached on Erwin’s privacy somehow, like he’s used him for something he shouldn’t have.

Levi cleans up quickly and lies back down on the bed, catching his breath and frowning. A year ago he was crossing the border, going after Erwin’s scent around the clearing. It feels important to convince himself again that this isn’t why he did that, but right now, for the first time, he can’t quite get himself to believe it.

“Fuck,” Levi whispers to himself, rolling over onto his side and pulling the covers over his ear.


	6. Chapter 6

Levi does an antsy little dance on tiptoe and tries the doorknob again.

“Can you stop?” a woman’s voice shouts at him from inside the bathroom. “You know I’m still in here so why do you keep trying the handle?”

“Can you hurry up?” Levi asks back, gritting his teeth and continuing his nervous tiptoeing. “You’ve been in there forever! What the hell takes–”

His words are cut off when the door flies open and a very pissed off looking woman steps out – Marlene, Levi thinks her name is. She shoots a death glare in Levi’s direction before muttering “all yours” and heading down the hallway. For a few stunned seconds Levi stands still, until he remembers his bladder and rushes into the bathroom that smells unmistakably like Marlene’s period. But all of Levi’s mind is caught up in the pleasure of being able to finally relieve himself, and he barely notices or minds the traces.

He flushes the toilet and undresses before stepping into the shower. He does that every morning now – the only way to get the smell of come and his junk off his hands and everywhere else. He can’t figure out what the fuck is up with that since he’s never been so out of control about it before. Now it’s all he seems to be able to think about, whether he’s going to bed or waking up or trying to focus on trigonometry with Ansel.

Or having a shower.

Levi washes his hair quickly before leaning his back against the cool tiles of the shower wall and running his soapy hand down between his legs. He wants to make it quick – with so many people in the house he’ll be lucky to have time to finish at all – and he brings his left hand up to his chest to tease his right nipple. He imagines Erwin’s mouth on it, Erwin’s tongue pressing against it, his teeth biting it gently, replaced by the tips of his fingers when he moves down and gets onto his knees, sucking Levi into his mouth–

A loud banging on the door startles Levi just as he comes, pulling him out of his head and making him miss that peak he craves so hard these days. He swears under his breath while he fights to catch it for a few seconds before he finishes washing up and exits the bathroom, letting in the next desperate person waiting to take a piss.

Back in his room, Levi throws himself down onto his bed and curls up underneath his duvet, breathing in the musty scent of the sheets that need changing – again. He rolls onto his back and listens to all the noise in the house, wondering how he managed to sleep through it for as long as he did. He can hear someone opening and closing their dresser drawers in the room next to his, the splashing of water from the bathroom down the hall, the talking and clinking and clanking of dishes from the kitchen and the dining room downstairs. It doesn’t feel natural, having everyone under the same roof like that, with how many of them there are. The whole gathering has mainly managed to make Levi grateful that most of them don’t live there permanently.

He manages to get dressed and gather up the dirty linens that he carries down to the laundry room before he walks into the kitchen. It’s absolute mayhem: there are several pots and pans on the stove, one of the big, high-powered blenders is going constantly, people are passing each other, lifting their plates to keep from spilling the food they’ve piled onto them. Within the couple of minutes it takes him to get his bowl of oatmeal with frozen berries, Levi glimpses several different colors of smoothies, a bowlful of tofu scramble, a pile of a couple dozen pancakes dripping with syrup, fruit wedges, juices, bagels, donuts, and an assortment of cereal and muesli. He retreats into the dining room with his bowl and tries to find a quiet corner somewhere, but the table is occupied from end to end. He finally spots Isabel and walks over to her, thanking someone whose name he can’t remember when she moves to make room for him.

“You got _oatmeal_?” Isabel asks him in a tone of astonishment and disgust. “Did you not see all the good stuff that was out there?”

Levi glances gloomily at the remnants of pancakes and bagels on her plate and scoffs before taking a spoonful of porridge. It’s been made with almond milk this morning, and it tastes even better than usual. He reaches over at the table to grab himself a mug that he fills with tea from a nearby pot.

“You would’ve done well in an old-timey prison,” Isabel tells him, “since you like all the stuff they would’ve fed you back then.”

“Leave my oatmeal alone,” Levi tells her and keeps eating, looking up and nodding when Erwin walks past the table. The man gives him a quick smile and takes a seat further down the table to talk with a big, bearded guy.

“Fine,” Isabel agrees reluctantly and shoves half a pancake into her mouth. “You coming ‘round for puppy play time later?”

“Uhh…” Levi hesitates, glancing around in the room, his head buzzing with the noise and commotion, all the feelings shooting about all around him making him tense and antsy. “Probably not today.”

“Alright,” Isabel says; it’s nice how she never minds it or gets upset. “Some other time.”

While he finishes his breakfast, Levi tries to think of ways to escape the insanity of it, but can’t think of any place in the house or on the pack lands that would be guaranteed empty and quiet enough; even the trail to the lake is littered with people out on brisk walks or cross-country skiing or some outdoorsy shit like that. He decides to go to Farlan’s instead; as soon as the boy has texted him back to let him know it’s okay, Edith assigns Flagon to be Levi’s driver. When the man hears where they’re going, Levi can see his jaw tightening.

“If there’s really no one else who can take care of it,” he barely agrees before nodding for Levi to follow.

They don’t talk during the drive beyond Flagon explaining a few finer points of driving to Levi, to prepare him for when he takes his driving test – whenever that will be. The whole driver’s license thing got put on ice when Erwin and Edith realized Levi would need his birth certificate for the application – which, if it exists in the first place, is somewhere in Kenny’s house, buried under a stack of porn magazines no doubt. They talked about going over to the trailer park to get it, but Levi asked them not to, since the situation seemed tense enough without any of them barging in and making any more demands from Kenny.

When they finally get to Farlan’s house, Levi feels relieved to get out of the car; the weird vibe Flagon brought along with him felt just as bad as all the insanity going on in the house. They run along up to Farlan’s bedroom as soon as Levi has said a quick hello to his parents. Once there, Levi throws himself down on the bed and sighs contentedly at the peace and quiet.

“What’s up with you?” Farlan asks him, sitting down on the bed after pushing enough of Levi’s legs aside.

“It’s just fucking crazy at the house,” Levi says, sighing again. “Some kind of family reunion or something. Guests in every room. A ten-minute line to the bathroom.”

“Sounds intense,” Farlan comments, face already glued to his phone. “How you been?”

Levi shrugs and yawns. “You know,” he says. “Helping around the house. Learning stuff. The usual.”

“You are so lucky to have help, all the SAT prep is kicking my ass,” Farlan says absently, fingers drumming out a message against the screen. “I don’t understand why I decided to apply for a job on top of all of that.”

“You got a job?”

“Oh, yeah,” Farlan huffs, glancing up from his phone. “You are looking at the newest dog groomer in town, thank you very much.”

Levi nods along. “Nice,” he states, kicking Farlan on his thigh. “Congrats. Must be nice, working with dogs.”

“It’s alright,” the boy agrees, putting his phone away. “Some of the owners are worse yappy bitches than their dogs. But it’s okay. The hours are good and the money’s okay.”

“Doesn’t sound too shabby,” Levi states and they both fall quiet; it’s broken a few seconds later when Farlan gets a message on his phone. “Grindr?” Levi asks him, grinning when he sees Farlan blushing.

“Nah,” the boy says distractedly, frowning down at his phone. “It’s Brad.”

“Brad Pullman?” Levi confirms, remembering their former conversation about the guy. “The fuck does he want?”

“We’re partners on a project at school,” Farlan explains, still distracted. “He keeps texting me.”

“About the project?”

Farlan shakes his head and finishes the message, sighing when he puts his phone in his pocket. “I don’t know,” he says. “He’s acting weird.”

“Weird like that guy at the end of American Beauty weird,” Levi clarifies, “or like–”

“Not murderous weird,” Farlan assures him quickly. “Just your average closeted bi-curious guy weird.”

Levi nods and stares up at the ceiling for a moment before saying, “Hey Farlan?” and continuing once the boy has hummed a response, “Do you ever get those times when you’re just… you know. Doing it. All the time.”

Farlan huffs out a laugh and pulls out his phone when it vibrates in his pocket. “Oh yeah,” he says. “Some Sundays I literally stay in bed all day because of that.”

“Right,” Levi says and makes himself laugh too. “But does it ever like… last longer than just for a Sunday?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just…” Levi starts and stops to try and find out what he wants to say. “Do you ever have like weeks or months that are like that?”

He glances down at Farlan who’s looked up from his phone with a frown. “Not really,” he tells Levi with a shrug. “I mean, sometimes it’ll be a couple of days but never like a month.”

Levi nods but doesn’t speak. It’s what he was expecting – and fearing, to a degree. It really feels like there’s something wrong with him. He remembers Erwin’s offer of finding him a shrink if he needs to talk to someone, and shudders.

“Has it been a month?”

Levi sighs. “Not a month,” he says, “but not far off, either.”

Farlan replies with a long “hmm…” that sounds more than a little mocking. “Did you ever think it could be because of the company you keep?” the boy finally asks, and Levi looks up, frowning.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Farlan shrugs. “I’m just saying,” he mutters, turning back to his phone. “I mean, Erwin isn’t exactly bad to look at – and neither is that Mike guy. Or Flagon. Maybe it’s just you being–”

“Flagon?” Levi interrupts, kicking Farlan on his thigh when he blushes. “Seriously?”

Farlan shrugs again. “I don’t know,” he voices, clearly embarrassed. “He’s not _bad_ … for an older guy.”

Levi scoffs and shakes his head. He can kind of see Farlan’s point about Mike – but Flagon? Not in a million years. The guy’s too weird and too dull. Probably gets his rocks off to quarterly reports or some shit. Even now Levi’s almost dreading driving back with him, but when the hybrid parks in front of Farlan’s house, it’s not Flagon on the driver’s seat.

“Had fun?” Erwin asks Levi when he sits down and buckles up, smiling when Levi nods. “I’m glad to hear it. Is Farlan well?”

“Yeah,” Levi says, flashing Erwin a quick smile too before his brows pull into their usual frown and he turns to stare out the window. “You didn’t have to come and pick me up.”

“Would you rather someone else had?” Erwin asks him, sounding a little confused, and Levi shakes his head.

“I just know you’re busy,” Levi clarifies. “You could’ve sent someone who had less to do.”

“It’s okay,” Erwin assures him more cheerfully now. “I don’t mind the drive.”

Levi shrugs and falls quiet, trying to keep his mind in check when the scent of Erwin starts invading his nose. From such a close distance it feels too intense, and Levi shifts nervously in his seat, all too aware of every little twinge going on around his crotch.

“What did you do?”

The question takes Levi by surprise, and his frown grows deeper when he turns back to face Erwin. Some backwards instinct born in the trailer park is telling his mind to look for a hook or a hidden angle in the question, but he knows he’ll find nothing.

“Nothing much,” he tells the man, shrugging. “Hung out.”

Erwin nods and laughs. “Right,” he mutters. “I guess that is what people do.”

Levi scoffs. “Don’t you?” he asks, clarifying when Erwin seems confused. “Hang out with people.”

“Sometimes,” Erwin says, laughing quietly as if to himself. “I do do that.”

They both fall quiet, staring ahead at the road, where the last of the heavy snows have turned into slush. Levi casts a quick glance at the man and regrets it; just seeing his hand on the gearstick is nearly enough to make Levi hard all over again.

“Anything special planned for the rest of the day?” Erwin asks him after a while and Levi shrugs again.

“Nothing much,” he says. “Why? You need help with something?”

Erwin shakes his head quickly. “No, everything’s under control now,” he tells Levi and scratches the back of his neck. “I was just wondering whether you’re… keeping busy. And enjoying yourself with… various free-time activities and things like that.”

Levi feels like scoffing again, but suppresses it instead not to hurt Erwin’s feelings – even though that’s the dumbest string of words he’s ever heard anyone say out loud.

“No lessons today,” Levi starts, scratching the scar absently when Erwin makes an acknowledging noise. “Don’t really know what to do around the house. So many people around all the time.”

“It must seem strange to you,” Erwin says so gently Levi feels shivers shooting down his spine. “Your former pack being so small.”

“Yeah,” Levi agrees, thinking back to the trailer park and clearing his throat. “It’s not a bad thing, the pack being big. Just not used to it yet I guess.”

“It’s a big change,” Erwin agrees, frowning at a car that passes them at a speed Levi suspects is a bit over the limit. “Thankfully it’s not like this all the time.”

“Not your thing either?” Levi asks, and Erwin laughs a little sheepishly.

“I’m sure we’d all get used to it,” he says, “but I think there are benefits to us all having a bit more space through most of the year.”

“No lines to the bathroom,” Levi mutters and Erwin laughs again.

“Sure,” he agrees, “though I’ve got an en suite so I can’t say I really face that problem.”

Levi makes a face at Erwin who chortles and grimaces apologetically. Fucking king in his alpha cave. Probably has a jacuzzi in his bathroom or some shit like that.

“I prefer the peace and quiet too,” Erwin confesses and Levi can sense he’s feeling genuinely guilty about it. “I love my job but I’m glad it’s not like this all the time.”

“It’s a bit of a pain in the ass,” Levi says and scoffs. “I bet most people don’t want to be around that for too long.”

Erwin’s sudden gratefulness makes Levi’s face heat up.

“I guess you’re right,” he says, smiling. “I haven’t even had a chance to do my workout today. I was thinking of going after this. You want to come along?”

“Sure,” Levi agrees quickly, though he feels his stomach tightening at the thought.

He’s been to the gym with Erwin and Mike and Nan a few times now – Nan and Mike even designed a workout program for him – and most times he hasn’t minded, but now he’s afraid all the weird stuff happening with him is going to make things uncomfortable; it’s been hard enough before to keep from staring at Erwin’s tight ass while he runs on the treadmill. But the atmosphere in the car is so relaxed and easy that Levi thinks he must’ve imagined most of the weirdness and tension from before.

And then Erwin changes into his running gear, thick thighs stretching the tight black fabric to the point where Levi swears he can almost see through it.

Nope. Definitely not imagining the weirdness, and for fucking sure not imagining the tension that gathers quickly between Levi’s legs and makes him push harder when he does his sets with Mike. By the end of it he can’t smell anything else in the room except Erwin’s sweat that seems to waft through the space from his crotch, can’t hear anything except the steady _thump thump thump thump_ of Erwin running on the treadmill. The memory of the sound mixes with Levi’s heartbeat and makes his ears burn when he escapes to the little anteroom where they change their clothes while Erwin gets into the shower. Levi can’t go with him, he knows he wouldn’t be able to control any part of his mind or body there. Shit, he’s barely keeping it together out here.

He leans onto his knees and exhales slowly, sitting down on the bench by the wall and trying to think of anything else, anything disgusting, any turnoff he can call up, but all he can focus on is the scent of Erwin’s underwear carrying into his nose from the pile of clothes to his right. Levi locks his hands between his knees and shuts his eyes, trying to hear past the splashing of the water that brings up images he doesn’t want to see right now: Erwin soaping up his body, leaning against the wall, closing his hard cock into his large fist. Levi feels his mouth filling with saliva and he swallows with effort, glancing at the pile of clothes next to him, biting his teeth together and rubbing his face with his hands.

It’s no use. None of it is helping – not to keep his cock from growing hard and not to keep his hands from reaching out and pushing into Erwin’s clothes that feel warm and moist against the tips of his fingers when he searches, imagining the fabric even before he finds it. Smooth and soft, like something that’s been worn one too many times. Much wetter, almost soaked through with sweat. They’re not the white and navy striped boxer briefs Levi saw that day of the hunt. These are all black, no buttons on the front, just an opening that would be perfect for Levi to slip his hand into them so he could feel the heat of Erwin’s cock, the girth of it, the wet tip rubbing against his palm. Without thinking, Levi lifts the underwear to his face and breathes deep, hand pressing against the erection swelling in his sweatpants, nose filling with the scent of Erwin, the musky, sweaty smell that makes Levi’s blood turn to fire in his veins.

The silence that follows the sound of the splashing water brings Levi back to his goddamn senses. With his heart drumming a panicked rhythm against his ribs, he shoves the underwear back into the pile of clothes and takes off in a run. The cold air outside feels like a slap in the face and Levi shakes his head in complete disbelief.

What the fuck was that? Sniffing someone’s underwear like a fucking creep? What the ever living fuck was he thinking? It wasn’t far that someone would’ve seen him do it. And Erwin… Erwin might be able to smell him on his clothes.

“The fuck?” Levi mutters under his breath, shuddering; this 24/7 thirst is really getting out of fucking hand. Damn psycho behavior.

He locks himself in his room and beats one out – the fastest he’s finished since he started doing it in the first place. Afterwards he lies in bed and listens to all the noise and commotion happening in the house until Edith comes by to ask him if he’s hungry and he follows her downstairs for a cup of tea and a sandwich. It’s the first time he’s seen Ansel that day and the man gives him a quick pat on the shoulder when he sits down by the kitchen island.

“Look who finally came out of his hidey hole,” Edith comments playfully at her husband when she joins them.

“I try to keep a low profile during these things,” Ansel explains to Levi quietly. “Ever since Erwin became the alpha, you know. We don’t want any confusion about who’s in charge here.”

“And I keep telling you, you’re wasting your time,” Edith says. “You know Erwin can hold his own just fine. I think you’re the only one who’s confused.”

Ansel sighs – it sounds a little exaggerated to Levi – and leans closer to ask, “What do you think, Levi? Am I being overly cautious?”

Levi sips at his tea and grimaces, gaze shifting between Edith and Ansel. “I’m not confused,” he says and shudders, some corner of his mind telling him he should’ve licked the boxer briefs while he had the chance.

 

The next day they rearrange the dining room to form a weird little lecture hall with rows of chairs facing a white screen. Levi sits in the front row with Ansel and Edith; he recognizes the powerpoint slides projected onto the screen by the overhead projector. Erwin’s talking the pack through them: budget reports, charts detailing changes in land usage, lists of deals made, of properties and land bought and sold. Future projections, a few landmarks Erwin’s reached in his quest to make the pack energy self-sufficient. Flagon steps in to make a few finer points about the finances, Mike is taking minutes. Levi yawns through most of it, wondering if anyone else knows that Erwin is wearing his best shirt: navy blue and crisp as a new hundred dollar bill. It’s Levi’s favorite one and the sight of it around Erwin’s broad shoulders paired with the authoritative tone of his voice is almost enough to make him need a quick wank in the upstairs bathroom.

“Flagon and I will answer any questions now, if you have them,” Erwin says at the end of the slide show that has taken him nearly an hour and as soon as he does, a couple of hands shoot up from the crowd.

“I had a question about the fund allocation during the past year,” a man says – Levi thinks his name is Otis, though he’s not sure. “Just seems to me like we’ve spent a lot more money on some members than on others.”

“As you know, funds are allocated according to need more than anything else,” Erwin answers, thick brows knitted over his eyes. “It would be easier for me to address your concern if I knew what you are talking about.”

Otis looks around himself in the room for a few seconds, then spreads his arms and huffs, “Fine. I’m just going to come out and say it. I think we’ve spent an awful lot of money on Marie and Nile’s fertility treatments this year and I’m not sure I understand what the logic behind that is.”

“What the logic behind that is,” Erwin repeats and Otis nods a little angrily.

“I mean, this is a lively pack as it is,” he says. “It’s not as if we _need_ more pups to stay vital and healthy. So I don’t really–”

“Right, because _of course_ the only reason anyone would want to have kids is because they’re concerned about pack wellbeing,” Marie interrupts him, sounding so sarcastic it makes Levi’s teeth ache. “Thank you for reminding us that we really should’ve considered how your life would be affected by our decision more than we actually did, which is not at all really.”

“I understand you’re both upset, but let’s try and keep the conversation civil, if we can,” Erwin says, drawing up one of the high chairs that usually go around the kitchen island, and sitting down on the edge of it. “Clearly this is a high stakes emotional issue, and I’ll make sure everyone feels heard. Alright?”

Otis, Marie and Nile all mumble in agreement before Erwin starts again.

“So, Otis,” he says, balancing a pencil loosely between his long fingers. “What is it about the money spent on Marie and Nile’s fertility treatments that bothers you so much?”

“Like I said, I just think it’s a lot of money to spend on only two members of the pack,” Otis explains. “I mean, what if _I_ wanted like… a sportscar that costs that much? Can I be expected to get one just because I really want it?”

“Are you comparing Marie and Nile’s life long dream of starting a family of their own to buying a sportscar?” Erwin asks him back, and Levi can feel Otis’s frustration from all the way across the room.

“Well now you’re just making me sound like an asshole.”

Up at the front of the room, Erwin sighs. “Sorry,” he says, and Levi can’t help clicking his tongue. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

He falls quiet for a moment – long enough for Levi to catch a glimpse of Marie sitting a couple of rows behind him with her arms folded across her chest. Must be hell, sitting there and having some idiot talk about it like that. Levi really feels sorry for her.

“The way I see this situation is as follows,” Erwin finally continues, looking up at Otis. “The main reason for allocating money to pack members is for education. The second – albeit less pressing – concern are medical expenses. We’ve been able to cut back on that thanks to Hange” – he nods toward Hange and Moblit at the back of the room – “but for this particular problem, we needed to bring in a specialist. Since the expenditure falls under medical expenses, I personally don’t see it as existing in any sort of gray area. I assumed anyone in the pack would like to receive as much funds as were needed if they faced a medical problem that required the care of a specialized professional.”

Levi nods without first realizing it and he’s happy to hear several people muttering in agreement. When he glances back, he catches Marie wiping her cheeks angrily.

“I guess I didn’t really think of it as a medical problem,” Otis admits, more meekly now. “Since none of us get a lot of those.”

“Does it make you see it differently?” Erwin asks the man, leaning further onto his chair. “Seeing it as funding for a medical problem?”

Otis stays quiet long enough to start pissing Levi off all over again. Next to him, Edith lays her hand on his arm, but doesn’t say a word.

“I guess so,” the man finally agrees, and shrugs, turning to Nile and Marie. “I’m sorry I brought it up like that.”

Nile and Marie both nod mutely, and Levi guesses whatever is left to be sorted out, they’ll get to it sometime after the meeting that moves along to the next question – something boring about investments and shit that doesn’t hold Levi’s attention. The question that comes after that is sure to wake him up though.

“What’s the deal with the new kid?”

Levi looks back to see the person who has asked the question – a forty-something woman, blonde mom hair pulled into a ponytail. Pearls and a cardigan.

“Is he a permanent fixture now? What’s the situation?” she asks without even having the decency to look at Levi who clicks his tongue. Edith’s hold on his arm tightens a little.

“Yes, I’m happy to say that Levi is staying in the pack,” Erwin tells the woman and smiles. “Permanently, this time.”

“And what about his uncle?” the woman continues, sounding a little too agitated for such a simple conversation. “Is he going to cause trouble?”

“Causing trouble would mean he’d have to drag his ass off his lawn chair in a major way, so no, he’s not gonna be trouble,” Levi tells her plainly, raising his voice. “If Kenny was gonna start shit, he would’ve done it by now.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t find that very convincing,” the lady says, turning to Erwin like she’s done having Levi existing in her version of reality. “I was actually going to make a formal suggestion that we sell some of the land along the border. I know I’d feel a lot safer if there was some buffer between us and… those people.”

“And what the hell do you think you mean by–” Levi starts, but Erwin’s voice is commanding enough to cut him off.

“You know that’s a rather drastic measure to take, Anka,” he says, sounding genuinely attentive and concerned. “Our pack has owned those lands for over a hundred years.”

“I just don’t like the idea of my kids growing up next door to…” she starts, her words trailing off when she glances at Levi. “Well, a violent pack of drug dealers and–”

“You know what lady?” Levi interrupts her angrily. “I don’t know who the hell you think you are but if you’re gonna start spewing out shit like that where I can–”

“Levi.” The name is an order, and Levi shuts up at once, turning to Erwin reluctantly. “Remember. We try to keep things civil here. And Anka,” he says, turning to the woman. “I understand you have concerns, but if you could please refrain from using disparaging language about Levi’s former pack in his presence, that would be greatly appreciated.”

Levi settles back into his chair and snorts, staring at the walls while Erwin and Anka agree to talk about the issue privately after the meeting. Erwin asks Levi to join, but he refuses; the man can tell the lady whatever she needs to know much better than Levi can, anyway.

After the meeting they carry the long tables back into the dining room and move the extra chairs back into a storage room before starting on the dinner prep. There’s no need for another pair of hands, and the room is buzzing with all the emotion left over from the meeting, so Levi escapes out to the dog enclosure where he stays petting the dogs and running them around the yard until he can be sure dinner is ready. He takes his place at the end of the line, can’t keep himself from glancing up at Erwin who’s not at his usual spot behind the pups but slowly walking back and forth along the line instead, stopping to talk with people as he goes. He stops when he gets to Levi too – all the way at the door, the line is so long.

“Sorry I was so strict with you earlier,” Erwin says, leaning over Levi a little bit. “It’s just important to keep the peace at these events.”

“No, I get it,” Levi replies, not wanting to sound like some brat who holds a grudge.

“You know she’s just scared,” Erwin tells him, lowering his voice. “I don’t think it was her intention to be mean. Things like that are just outside her own experience, and it’s the unknown that scares her.”

Levi nods – and Erwin’s explanation does make sense, in a way. He was nervous as shit about coming here back then, after all, so it makes sense that it would work both ways.

“Did you enjoy your first ever pack meeting?” Erwin asks, something like badly masked excitement in his voice, and Levi doesn’t have the heart to tell him he thought most of it was pretty damn boring.

“Yeah,” he merely says, not wanting to get all into it and start lying about how interesting everything was. “Yeah, it was okay. Different.”

“I guess you didn’t have those in–”

“Nah, not really,” Levi agrees quickly. “Unless you call Kenny yelling at everyone from the porch a meeting.”

Erwin laughs a little nervously and scratches the back of his head. “Right,” he mutters. “I suppose that’s one way of doing it.”

“I like your way better,” Levi tells him and shrugs, his ears growing hot when he feels how pleased Erwin gets.

“Well, you know,” he starts, laughing again nervously. “There’s something about a good powerpoint presentation, isn’t there?”

Levi laughs loudly at that, his heart sinking a little when someone calls Erwin’s name from the kitchen door.

“I’ll catch you later,” he tells Levi before walking away.

Levi grits his teeth when he grabs a plate from the rack. Fucking get a grip, for fuck’s sake.

 

They all get up at daybreak the following morning, even Levi, though getting up at seven o’clock has left him feeling groggy and cranky, and the mere thought of changing and showering along with all the rest of the pack makes his skin crawl. He applies his earlier tactic of keeping his eyes on the floor and changing and shifting as fast as possible already in the locker room; Nan opens the door for him so he can run out.

The morning is cold, there’s still snow on the ground under the trees and along the trails they’ll soon be running down. The wet and frost have dulled the scents of the forest, but Levi can still pick up a rabbit running across a meadow not far from where they wait. He catches something else too, strong and familiar. Erwin’s gone over the boundaries, marking the land as his, strengthening the borders ahead of the pack arriving. It calms Levi’s wolf as the others gather around and when Erwin joins them, his presence calms Levi even more.

They start following him in a haphazard line, sniffing each other and nipping playfully at each other’s hind legs as they walk; greeting, bonding. Levi keeps toward the back with Isabel and Ansel, a kind of a stranger still in the grand scheme of things. Besides, the memory of his last hunt with the pack is fresh in his mind, Erwin’s bared teeth when Levi went rogue and ran down the deer by himself. He’s going to behave today – no matter how strongly the scent of blood might call him.

It’s almost painful, watching the others run down their smaller prey – they look so big and clumsy doing it – but when it comes to the large, grown elk they bring down, Levi’s more than happy to leave the job to Erwin and Mike. They exhaust the beast fast, and watching them eat, Levi can almost taste the blood on his own tongue, that hangs out uselessly from his mouth. By the time it’s his turn to eat, he manages to tear a large chunk off the hind leg, which he carries a little further away and eats in peace before going in for scraps. There are others doing the same, and Levi expects to be driven off with a growl and a snap of teeth, but Erwin isn’t far away and Levi guesses it encourages everyone to be on their best behavior. Later, resting and spending time together, they all pay homage to him in some way or another. Levi sneaks his way over to the alpha too, head bent a little, and gives his snout a quick sniff and a lick before running off to the edge of the clearing.

They head back at sundown, following Erwin back into the forest, past the kill site, following the scent marks the alpha has left on the trees and along the trails. They keep catching Levi’s attention, his instincts are telling him to stop and sniff every one of them, to decipher what Erwin’s mood was when he left them, what he wanted to say, how aggressive and unambiguous his message is. He doesn’t notice falling behind, doesn’t realize the moment when the scent of the pack disappears and his world fills with Erwin’s smell – that same strong, heady scent that drew him over the border and now pulls him back towards it.

He only snaps out of it when he reaches the clearing that looks even emptier and bleaker for all the members of his pack who should be there. He looks around himself at the darkness, senses someone else nearby, coming closer. Levi plants his paws into the soft snow, moves a little nervously until the wind shifts and he catches Ansel’s scent at the tree line. The old wolf stares at him through the darkness, sitting down on his haunches for a few seconds until Levi walks forward and follows him back over to the trail, where the others have passed a good while ago. Nearly all of them have slipped out of their furs and showered; Levi catches Erwin by the changing room door, a damp towel hanging around his shoulders and he gets the feeling the man has been waiting for him, to make sure his whole pack has made it back before heading over to the house.

He showers quickly, no one else now left in the room but Ansel, who doesn’t say anything about Levi’s wandering. They leave each other be, even during the walk back to the house when Ansel starts a discussion on the history lesson Levi had on Friday, mentioning a book he’s been reading that gives out more information on the years leading up to the revolutionary war. They continue on the subject over a cup of tea once they get indoors, interrupted a while later by Erwin, who leans over the kitchen island but doesn’t take a seat.

“You okay?” he asks Levi, sounding genuinely concerned and making his stomach twist. “You wandered off there for a second.”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Levi tells him, avoiding his gaze when he feels the heat rising up to his cheeks. “Got distracted by something.”

“Alright,” Erwin says and doesn’t press the matter, to Levi’s relief. “Some of us are watching a movie in the living room, if you want to join.”

Levi gives an answer that’s neither here nor there, and runs up to his room once he’s finished his cup of tea. As soon as he lies down on his bed, his cock twitches in his pants, like it’s some kind of a conditioned fucking response by now.

“I am not doing this with you again,” Levi mutters, rolling onto his stomach and picking up his phone.

It and Farlan make a decent distraction until the house falls quiet for the night. The racket starts very early in the morning when most of the people who live somewhere further up the pack lands start loading up their cars and heading out. Levi helps with the breakfast rush by cleaning up after the others once they finish eating, only sitting down to have his own bowl of oatmeal once the last of the early morning risers have pulled out of the driveway. The house feels almost unnaturally quiet all of a sudden.

“Just Marlene and Ivan’s gang now,” Edith says and yawns when she sits down at the kitchen island. “Then it’ll just be the usual suspects again.”

“And we can all buckle up for spring,” Nan states; her words are followed by loud groaning from Edith, Nile and Marie.

“What’s wrong with spring?” Levi asks, confused while they all pause to nod a good morning to Erwin when he walks in.

“You know,” Nan says and laughs. “Mating season. Hormones going crazy.”

“People getting it on around every corner,” Marie puts in tiredly. “Everyone stinking up the place with all they get up to on their own time.”

“Yes, it’s an ordeal,” Edith agrees and sighs heavily. “Not to mention how the pups start acting up from all the attention they’re suddenly not getting.”

“Oh, come on now,” Ansel adds in cheerfully. “It’s a completely natural phenomenon. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of a spike in the old engine every now and again.”

Levi dares a quick glance at Erwin but turns away as soon as he catches the man looking back at him. Suddenly there doesn’t seem to be enough oxygen in the room.

“It gets kind of annoying,” Marie mutters. “After the first month at the latest.”

Levi turns back to his oatmeal and keeps quiet though he’s dying to ask the question: if it gets old after the first month, how long does the fucking thing last?


	7. Chapter 7

Levi walks the dirt bike out of the garage and blinks the brightness from his eyes when he looks over the still banged up and rust-flakey exterior against which the new shock springs gleam like silver. Nan follows him outside, grinning and wiping her hands on a rag of an old towel.

“You want to give it a try?” she asks Levi, who feels his heart skipping a beat.

He gets onto the bike and makes sure it’s on neutral before flipping out the kickstart and stepping on it. The engine roars into life and Levi can barely believe his ears when it does. How Nan managed to salvage that piece of crap is beyond him. Even with the engine purring smooth as a big cat, Levi’s a little bit shocked when he switches the gear and releases the clutch and the damn thing starts moving forward. He twists the throttle and the bike flies across the yard; he spins it around quickly at the edge of the woods and rides back over to Nan.

“Looks like it’s running well enough,” she says and smiles when Levi laughs.

“Yeah,” he agrees, letting the engine run a little longer to warm it up. “I’m gonna ride by the house,” he tells Nan over the growling of the engine, speeding off when she nods.

Levi feels his heart hammering in his chest when he shifts the gear and the bike dashes forward, the shocks sent up from the bumps on the uneven terrain barely registering with the new springs in place. The wet grass underneath the wheels blurs with speed when Levi shifts the gear again and twists the throttle, grinning over the high-pitched howl of the engine. He’s missed this, so fucking much; that tension in the muscles of his legs and thighs, that alertness he needs to maintain to spot the changes on the road, the way his blood is pumping in his ears so loudly he can hear it over the noise of the dirt bike.

He rides past the little patch of forest that grows between the main house and Mike and Nan’s place, stopping a couple dozen yards from the front porch and turning off the engine. He spots Erwin standing by the steps, talking on the phone with someone while closing his fist around a wad of keys kind of nervously, and suddenly the 20 odd yards between them don’t feel like enough distance. Not able to control his curiosity, Levi pricks up his ears to hear what the man is saying; his tone is serious, in line with the deep frown that has pulled down his thick brows; almost stern and definitely not pleased.

“I understand that your personal circumstances are difficult, but I’m sure you know I’ve been very patient in the matter for a while now,” Erwin tells someone at the other end. “I feel like I have, for my part, given you plenty of time to–”

Levi listens as Erwin falls quiet, watches as he nods a few times and sighs heavily. He has rolled up his sleeves, no jacket or parka, which tells Levi he’s back from running some quick errand in town. He’s wearing his navy blue shirt again; just the sight of the two open top buttons is enough to make Levi’s pants feel tight around the crotch.

“No, I’m sorry, but I can’t give any more leeway in this,” Erwin says to the person on the phone, sounding almost angry now and sending shivers down Levi’s spine. “I’ve given you six months already to get your situation under control. I’ve given you a very fair timetable so you can pay back what you owe in reasonable installments, but so far you’ve missed every single one of them, and my patience has run out.”

Levi spots the moment when Erwin notices him, how his head whips around, like he’s suddenly caught Levi’s scent in the air. Levi makes himself look busy by pressing down and releasing the clutch, as if he’s just stopped to inspect it before continuing on his way. Meanwhile he’s still listening to hear the end of the conversation.

“Again, I’m sorry that it has come to this,” he tells someone on the line and starts walking up the steps slowly. “I’m not interested in taking legal action to get back the money I’m owed, but I can’t keep renting out the apartment for nothing. I’m sure you understand why this is the only decision I could come to.”

Levi starts the engine when he sees Erwin’s hand closing around the handle of the door, feeling the vibration of the bike between his legs. He gets as far as the little patch of forest before he needs to turn off the engine again and jump down. His hand is in his pants before he’s managed to lean against a tree, the throbbing hardness stiffening further when he reminds himself of the tone of Erwin’s voice, so uncomfortably commanding but so fucking arousing at the same time. His brain keeps that tone but changes the words from whatever boring crap the man was dealing with back there; different kinds of commands, for Levi to do as he’s told, to get on his knees, to learn what Erwin’s teaching him: to lick him right, to suck him right, to keep good and still while Erwin comes where he wants to, filling Levi’s mouth and reaching down to wipe his bottom lip with his thumb. Levi’s approach to the mess he’s made is less delicate, and most of it ends up on the bottoms of his tennis shoes while the rest stays there, shining against the cool, muddy ground.

He makes a big loop along the forest trail getting back to Mike and Nan’s, hoping that the cool spring air will freshen his clothes, make him smell a bit more like pines and resin instead of what he just finished doing by the time he rides the bike back over to the garage. He’s prepared to play that usual game they all play with each other these days, to act like he’s done nothing while Nan pretends not to notice; the only way to survive this hell of a season, as proclaimed by Nile one evening.

What Levi’s not prepared for when he loops around and gets a view of the garage door is seeing Erwin standing next to Nan, calm and collected in the crisp navy blue shirt that Levi just imagined closing into his fist while Erwin grabbed his hair to be able to push deeper into his mouth. In a paranoid flash Levi’s suddenly sure Erwin will be able to sense what he’s been thinking about, and when he rides over, he makes sure to park the bike downwind from Erwin and to keep a good yard or two between them. He turns off the engine, though his heart is bursting from how badly he wants to take the bike for a longer ride.

“You happy?” Nan asks him, laughing when he does.

“I can’t believe you were able to fix it,” Levi says, pressing down the clutch and releasing it to give his hand something to do, keeping his eyes on Nan after nodding a quick hello to Erwin.

“It’s what we do,” Nan says, shoving the rag of a towel into her pocket. Levi shouldn’t be so surprised, he knows it himself; Nan told him her former pack runs a garage and chopper shop somewhere out west. “You thought about a new paint job on it?”

Levi looks at the chipped-up paint and frowns. So far he’s poured every cent of his allowance into fixing the bike, and he doesn’t see why he wouldn’t keep doing it – it’s not like he has anything else to spend his money on. He glances at Erwin whose smile is so relaxed it makes Levi shudder.

“I’ve bothered you enough with this already,” Levi protests to Nan but she shakes her head.

“Bothered?” she asks and sighs. “Honestly, I kind of miss it. I don’t get to work on this stuff nearly enough out here. I always did love it back home.”

“Do you know yet when you and Mike will be going for a visit?” Erwin asks her suddenly and she shrugs.

“Probably right after the season ends,” she lets him know while Levi squats down to check the pressure of the tires. “We were thinking June. Before you’ll take your trip, so Mike will be back to run things here.”

“Sounds like a good solution,” Erwin comments and Nan nods along before turning back to Levi.

“So, what do you think?” she asks him excitedly. “Should we spruce her up a bit?”

“Well if you’re sure it’s not–”

“It’s no bother,” Nan assures him again. “Painting was always one of my favorite things anyway. You got a color or design in mind?”

“Design?”

“Yeah, you know, like…” Nan says, looking at the bike appraisingly. “It doesn’t have to be just one color. We can do images on the shroud or the fenders or something.”

Levi squints at the bike and tries to picture a new coat of paint on it. It definitely couldn’t make the bike look any worse, that’s for sure – and maybe that way the new parts wouldn’t stick out so badly either.

“You don’t have to decide anything right now,” Nan reminds him. “Just think about it.”

“Sure,” Levi says, meeting her gaze for a few seconds. “Thanks. For everything.”

Nan slaps him on the shoulder before grabbing the bike. “What family’s for,” she says, walking the dirt bike back into her and Mike’s garage. “Will you come by later for a workout?”

“Yeah,” Levi promises, though the thought makes him shudder a little.

He turns around and waves both Nan and Erwin a quick goodbye, making his way over to the main house in a lazy jog and he can’t help noticing how much easier it feels to run now than it did just a few months ago. The time he’s spent sweating at the gym has clearly not gone to waste – though when he undresses in his room to take a shower and wash the smell of the garage off himself before dinner, he looks at himself in the mirror and frowns. He lifts up his arm and flexes it, gritting his teeth when he sees next to nothing happening to his reflection. All of his limbs look just as thin and noodle-y as before – if not even more so. He wraps a towel around his waist and walks down the hallway to the bathroom, locking the door behind himself and stepping into the shower as soon as the water heats up.

He thought he’d be able to get through one shower without having to jack off, but as soon as he gets under the shower head, his body responds to it like a fucking Pavlov dog. For a few seconds Levi considers just turning the water icy cold to take care of the problem, but decides against it in the end. After he’s done, he washes up quickly, his mind going blank as soon as he finishes jerking off. Back in his bedroom he fills it with other things – more anguish about his chicken legs, a text from Farlan, how his bedsheets have no longer than two days left before they’ll need changing. When he goes downstairs for dinner and sees Erwin standing in line behind Isabel, he fights to keep the thoughts from the bathroom from crossing his mind – and it’s a good thing too that he’s learned to control that shit over the past weeks.

It’s a small bunch of people again, just the pups with their minders, Erwin, Ansel and Edith, Mike and Nan, and Nile and Marie. Levi hasn’t needed to ask what that’s about; he’s felt it too, during the rare moments when most of the pack is present, that oppressive heat that builds up in the room and makes everyone shuffle in their seats. It’s bad enough in a small group like this. Levi’s sure everyone can smell what he’s done in his bed the night before, even beyond the two showers he’s had since then. He can smell it on the others too: on Marie and Nile, almost taken over by resentment and nervousness, on Erwin – and on Nan and Mike the worst of all. It’s a good thing the garage stinks so badly of oil and dirt and dust that Levi has barely been able to pick it up while they’ve been working on the bike.

Levi sits down at the table next to Isabel, not far from Erwin but keeping his distance from the screaming kids on the other side. When they’ve all sat down, Levi tucks into his fries but stops when Erwin suddenly says “grace” at the end of the table, and nearly everyone around it groans audibly.

“Did you just…” Levi starts, turning to look at Erwin, whose cheeks have flushed a little pink. “Did you just… say grace but just… say ‘grace’?”

Across the table, Marie sighs audibly before Erwin can speak.

“It’s just another one of his terrible jokes,” she tells Levi. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to them.”

Levi’s head whips back around to Erwin, who’s clearly increasingly embarrassed by his own joke – but Levi feels laughter bubbling up inside of him and when it escapes his lips, it’s uncharacteristically loud and makes Levi feel a bit embarrassed himself – but he can’t help it that the joke was funny as hell.

“Seriously?” he can just hear Marie muttering to Nile across the table.

“I don’t know what your problem is, that shit is funny as hell,” Levi tells her once he has calmed down a little, apologizing when Erwin clears his throat and nods towards the pups. “That was really funny.”

“Thank you,” Erwin says, clearing his throat again and turning to his plate before muttering, “I’m glad someone appreciates a good sense of humor around here.”

“What the heck?” Nan drawls quietly to Mike – but not so quietly Levi can’t hear her. “I honestly thought no one could ever laugh at his jokes.”

“First sign of the apocalypse,” Mike mutters back, chuckling quietly when Erwin glares at him from the end of the table.

“Did you really think it was funny?” Isabel asks Levi after a couple of minutes, snorting when Levi nods. “I thought you might have been after money or something.”

“What would I need money for?” he asks her back. “I already get an allowance.”

Isabel sighs heavily. “I wish I had mine already,” she says.

“What do you need money for?” Levi asks her next. “What do you need that the pack won’t buy for you?”

“A ticket,” she tells him quietly “to the FIFA women’s world cup. In France.”

Levi scoffs. “You’re going to have to save up for a while,” he tells her. “It’s not a lot of money, you know.”

“I know,” Isabel says and sighs again. “I need to get a job.”

Levi snorts and shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything to crush her dream. And who knows? Maybe the brat will get like a paper route or something. She seems like the type who’ll keep bugging you until you give her something to do.

“Nan and I finished fixing my dirt bike,” Levi tells her; she’s been bugging _him_ about that. “You want to come and check it out tomorrow?”

“Can’t,” she says, her mouth full of fries. “I’m going to the movies with Erwin.”

Levi glances at the man quickly before shrugging. “Some other time,” he says and falls quiet, trying not to read anything into the fact that Erwin does that sort of thing with Isabel and the pups – daytrips to the lake, the planetarium, the movies – but never with him. He’s never even asked if Levi would want to. Well, Levi’s not going to bring it up himself, so might as well forget about it. It’s not as if he wants to go to some stupid educational boring ass shit place anyway.

After dinner Levi attempts a quick escape back up to his room – something about the feeling of shoving a tofu burger into his mouth has shot right down to his groin – but Edith calls his name when he’s at the door, and he slouches over to her, frowning when she pulls a brown paper bag out of a cupboard.

“I got you some things from the shop run today,” she tells him in a low voice. “I just thought you might need them. Might make things a bit more comfortable.”

Levi peeks into the bag, but as soon as the word ‘lubricant’ catches his eye, he scrunches is shut instantly, flinching at the compassion coming off Edith.

“You can…” she starts, smiling a little and patting him on the arm. “You can take a better look at that upstairs.”

“Yeah thanks,” Levi mutters, turning around on the spot and half-running out of the room.

He can still feel the heat on his cheeks when he sits down on his bed and drops the paper bag into his lap. He opens it again and pulls out the contents: an extra large box of tissues, a pack of condoms, a bottle of lube and – for some mystery reason – a pack of use-and-discard latex-free gloves. In a flash Levi imagines Edith at the supermarket, placing those things on the cash register. His brain is scrambling to figure out who she did the shop run with and it takes him a few seconds to realize she went to the shop with Mike, as usual.

Well, could be worse. She could’ve gone with Erwin.

Levi pops the box of tissues onto his nightstand and thrusts the condoms into the drawer – as if he’s going to need those for anything – before picking up the bottle of lube and pouring some onto the tip of his finger. He rubs his thumb against it and smells it, watching it spread over his skin, wet and gleaming. It at least seems like something he’ll end up making use of – along with the tissues.

 

In the evening Levi knocks on Erwin’s door and they make their way over to Mike and Nan’s for a workout. They don’t talk much – they never really do, though Levi can feel it makes Erwin uncomfortable, like he wants to be able to think of something to say. Levi likes to think it doesn’t bother him, but when Erwin finally speaks up, he can’t ignore the feeling of relief he gets.

“You must be happy that you’ve got your bike back,” the man says. “Did it take a lot of work in the end? To get it running again?”

Levi nods. “Had to get some new parts for it,” he says. “Nan’s some kind of wizard with that stuff.”

“She really is,” Erwin tells him and laughs quietly. “Do you have all the equipment you need? All the safety things and–”

“Yeah, I’ve got the basics,” Levi says, catching Erwin’s scent in the air and pulling the hood of his hoodie over his head to block out some of it. “Don’t really need much more than a helmet.”

Erwin hesitates for a moment. “I know compared to humans we can endure more with fewer consequences,” he says, something careful in his tone, like he’s wary of upsetting Levi, “but I wouldn’t encourage anyone to think they’re invincible.”

“Yeah, I know,” Levi assures him, scoffing. “I’ve flown off that thing enough times.”

“Always best to err on the side of caution,” Erwin agrees, opening the door to Mike and Nan’s house.

Over the past couple of weeks, Levi’s learned to tolerate the worst of Erwin’s smell in the gym, and he’s managed to keep his nose out of his dirty clothes, even when the scent of them has made his mouth water and he’s had to leave the room in a run. He still doesn’t shower with the man but jogs back to the main house instead to have a long shower upstairs. He’s sure Erwin’s spent a good chunk of time frowning over the latest utility bills.

He starts doing the sets for his arms across the room from where Erwin gets on the treadmill to do his 5k run warmup before he starts on the weights. Mike and Nan are already there, lifting the heavy sets in the corner, Mike’s enormous arms stretching the seams of his t-shirt sleeves. Him and Nan keep exchanging looks and nudging each other in a way that makes Levi’s skin crawl. Fifteen minutes in they finally take off; at the door Mike picks Nan up to press his face against the nape of her neck, and she lets out a loud squeal. It’s not the first time they’ve done this, and as soon as they’re out the door, Levi walks over to the CD player in the corner and turns on the radio to drown out the worst of the sounds they start making somewhere farther in the house.

The first time it happened, Levi could feel the air in the room drawing closer and growing heavy, like Erwin and him were both painfully aware of each other then, and both equally uncomfortable. It was Erwin who turned on the music then before getting back onto the treadmill. Levi cut his workout short and pretended to remember having something more important to do. Now he stays and forces himself to ignore whatever scraps of tension the whole thing still manages to bring to life in the room.

Erwin finishes his run before Nan and Mike get back, and Levi feels his stomach dropping when he sees the man looking around himself in the room, like trying to decide what to do next. Levi knows if this was a normal day, Erwin would move on to the bench press and have Mike or Nan spot him while he lifts. Levi can feel Erwin’s gaze moving over to his corner, and he hurries to look as busy as he can with the ab bench to keep the man from asking him to step in; just the thought of Erwin lying underneath him, staring up over his crotch makes Levi sweat and shiver. In the end the man walks over to the dumbbells and Levi works hard to keep in his sigh of relief.

The thought of doing it with Erwin on the bench press won’t leave Levi be, and he cuts his workout short in favor of a run all the way over to the hunting lodge, where he undresses quickly and slips into his fur. In a flash, the constant pressure he feels these days eases its hold and everything becomes simpler, easier to process. Out in the woods, whatever Erwin does to him feels suddenly more natural – like it must’ve done a year ago, though Levi can’t really remember it now. He lets himself get lost in the scent of the alpha, in the fresh smell of the pines and the wet earth that is starting to yield new life again.

He makes his way to the clearing, considers changing back but feels the chill in the air and remains in his fur instead. When the wind shifts, Levi catches the stench of Kenny’s lands in the air, and a quiet, whimpery growl pushes through his throat though he’s alone. The smell is foul, like a couple of week-old corpses left to rot on a day that promises thunder. It curdles the blood in Levi’s veins, and makes him start back towards the house much earlier than he thought he would. He still takes the long way around, running slowly over to the lake and stopping for a drink before heading back along the trail. The ground feels firm underneath his paws, dried off for the most part now from the waters left behind by the melting snow. Erwin will be back to running his early morning 5k soon.

It's only when Levi gets dressed again that he notices he’s run all the way out here without his hoodie. Deciding to try and wear out his body even more before bedtime, Levi starts jogging back towards Nan and Mike’s, thinking to grab the hoodie on his way back to the house. He’s already at the door of the locker room when the sound of Erwin’s voice stops him in his tracks.

“Thanks for letting me stay here for a bit, Mike,” he says, sighing so loudly Levi can hear it on the other side of the closed door. “I just really needed to get away for a night.”

“Is it that bad?” Mike asks and Levi shudders when he hears Erwin’s groan.

“I swear, I have never been this uncomfortable,” he says, and Levi frowns at the pain in his voice. “I get no peace from him at the house. It’s like his scent is everywhere.”

Levi grits his teeth and starts sneaking back toward the door, doing his best to get out without making a sound. He mulls over the words while he walks back to the house, arms folded over his chest to keep the cold at bay. His breath keeps catching in his throat from how badly his chest is cramping, and what Erwin said makes him feel sick to his stomach. He should’ve been more careful about the shit he gets up to, to keep more of a distance from the man, to make sure he doesn’t find out what Levi thinks and how he feels. Shit, it must be like if Levi himself found out that Flagon or Nile has been thinking about him like that, wanked to the thought of sucking his cock or some shit like that. It must’ve been hell for Erwin, living with something disgusting like that under his nose for weeks now.

Despite promising himself that he’ll stop doing it at the house, once Levi’s back in his bed, the knowledge of the lube bottle existing at the back of the drawer of his nightstand won’t let him be, and he can’t get to sleep until he’s tried it out. It sure makes things a lot easier and faster, and over the next couple of weeks whenever Levi hops onto his dirt bike to drive around the pack lands, he keeps the lube in the pocket of his hoodie. He gets off more often than once leaning against a tree somewhere deep in the woods – the only place he feels is far enough from everyone for him to let out the sighs and moans that build up in his chest.

He soon gets too cocky though, and doesn’t bother keeping such a long distance between himself and the house. One time Erwin nearly catches him in the act, coming by with the dogs only a couple of minutes after Levi’s finished cleaning himself up. Later in his room he notices a large, blotchy come stain that shines out of the black fabric of his hoodie like a beacon, and swears at his own disgustingness. At dinner that night when Erwin calls out his name, Levi feels his face heating up instantly even though he knows there’s no way the man would be bringing it up even if he did notice.

“Did I hear you mention that Farlan’s gotten a job as a dog groomer?” he asks Levi, who nods, happy for the change of subject. “Do you think you could ask him if he’s willing to come down here to work on the dogs? They’re all starting to shed their winter coats.”

Levi texts Farlan who comes by a couple of days later, following Erwin and Levi down to the enclosure with all of his grooming equipment in a large black shoulder bag. The dogs greet him excitedly, completely ignoring Erwin’s orders that they behave and not try to knock Farlan over by jumping up against him. Levi hangs around while Farlan works, stepping away only for a while to give Erwin a hand with a few fence posts at the far end of the enclosure that have started to lean outward. When Levi comes back only ten minutes later, he finds Farlan talking with Flagon, who lurks away as soon as he spots Levi, giving Farlan a wave of a hand and a truly constipated looking smile.

“The hell did he want?” Levi asks Farlan, looking after the man suspiciously while Farlan shrugs.

“He just came by to introduce himself,” Farlan says. “Asked me a couple of questions. How long I’ve been doing this, that sort of thing.”

Levi’s never seen Flagon pay particular attention to the dogs, but he supposes the explanation is as good as any he himself could’ve come up with. He nods a quick ‘you’re welcome’ to Erwin when the man runs past them to catch up with Flagon, thanking Levi on his way out of the enclosure. The two are probably going to shut themselves into Erwin’s office and figure out how to fix up the budget after all the water Levi’s been wasting during his long shower sessions.

Back at the house, Edith asks Farlan to stay for dinner and he accepts, choosing a spot in front of Levi to line up for the food – tex-mex Tuesday, tofu and kidney bean enchiladas. When Erwin walks past them to take his place behind Isabel, he suddenly stops and turns to Levi, smiling.

“Hey Levi,” he says, grinning from ear to ear. “What do you call a singer who enjoys spicy food?”

“What?” Levi asks back, already smiling when he feels Erwin’s excitement a couple of seconds before he delivers the punch line.

“Frank Sriracha.”

Some sensible corner of Levi’s mind knows it’s bad – embarrassingly bad – but laughter bubbles up from his lungs nonetheless, real laughter, so genuine he doesn’t know if he’s ever laughed so heartily and seriously at anything. Erwin laughs too, a little confused and much quieter than Levi, and next to them both Farlan is clearly busy wondering what the hell is going on.

“Good one,” Levi tells Erwin, still chuckling a little when the man walks away and takes his place in the line.

“You know, I honestly never say this but…” Farlan starts, whispering, “ _Dude._ What the hell was that?”

“What?” Levi asks back. “You didn’t think that was funny?”

“No?” Farlan huffs and laughs, looking over at Erwin. “Honest to God, I am a lot less attracted to him after he made that joke.”

“Shut up,” Levi hisses, grabbing a plate and shoving it into Farlan’s hands, feeling a sting in his chest. “He’ll hear you.”

“From all the way across the room?” Farlan asks him, gesturing quickly at Erwin, who’s already walking out into the dining room. “Stop being so paranoid.”

After Farlan leaves, Levi tries to focus on the science homework Ansel has set for him, but as per the rules of weekend evenings, everything turns him on, from words like ‘velocity’ and ‘density’ he reads on the pages, to the way his pencil keeps ending up between his slightly parted lips. He leans against the backrest of his desk chair and grabs his cock tentatively through his jeans, but as soon as his thoughts move to Erwin, he hears the joke he made again and something inside him twists and aches. For the first time the thought of using the man for that isn’t pleasant – hell, it isn’t even comfortable. Like something about those jokes has fleshed him out too much in Levi’s head and made him likeable in a different way. And he can’t deny he feels bad for Erwin too for how the others groan at his jokes and tell him they suck when it’s obviously them who have shitty senses of humor.

Levi closes his eyes and tries one more time, picturing himself kneeling in front of Erwin, the man’s fingers rubbing the scar on his neck – but when Levi looks up and sees Erwin open his mouth, the only thing that comes out is Frank Sriracha. Sighing heavily in defeat, Levi gives up and turns back to his homework, focusing for a good ten minutes before an idea crosses his mind – a stupid idea that he tries to shake for another five minutes before he gives up and jumps to his feet, hopping down the stairs two at a time and walking into the living room, where Edith and Ansel are watching a documentary. It takes Edith a couple of seconds to look away from the ants crawling across the TV screen after Levi calls out her name.

“Can I use the laptop?” he asks her quickly. “For a school thing.”

“Of course,” she says at once, getting up to pull the machine out of the desk drawer where it’s kept. “Everyone’s free to use it for anything.”

“Sure, thanks,” Levi states quickly before running back upstairs and locking the door behind himself.

He turns on the laptop quickly and types in the password before stopping to reconsider for a few seconds, his stomach twisting painfully and his breathing growing uneven. He opens the browser and takes a few precautionary measures – mainly making sure he knows how to delete visited websites from the history – before typing the four-letter term into the search bar with shaking hands, and pressing enter.

Without delay, an image fills the screen – but not the kind of image Levi was hoping for. A bright orange strip glows at him from the top of the page, displaying the company logo and a line of text in the same orange tells him the website he was trying to access has been blocked for the following reasons. When Levi sees the word spelled out in its entirety underneath the warning, his heart starts racing fast and his fingers scramble to exit the page and remove any evidence of it ever having been searched. For a few feverish minutes, Levi wonders if the program has some sort of alert system in place to notify whoever it was who put it up on the laptop when someone tries to access forbidden content. He wonders which would be the worst, being lectured to about online porn by Ansel, Edith or Erwin. Well, it’s not as if anything could be worse than the Grindr conversation.

His hands still trembling, Levi spends a good hour researching whatever science-y topics he can come up with to make it look like he really did want the laptop for that and nothing else. When he returns it, he feels his face growing warm in anticipation of a delicately phrased question from Edith, but she says nothing, and back in his bedroom Levi lets out a deep sigh of relief. He takes care of business the old-fashioned way, bristling when afterwards he feels queasy and restless, and cursing himself even worse the next morning when seeing Erwin makes his stomach twist so bad he can barely finish his breakfast.

He spends the day looking for distractions, cleaning up in the kitchen with Edith and Ansel, taking the dogs for a walk, – no chance of him doing it in the woods with the dogs there; how twisted would you have to be? – and planning the paint job for the dirt bike with Nan. In the evening he feels worn out and he settles onto the sofa to read _The Call of the Wild_ while Edith knits and talks on the phone with someone and Ansel works on a crossword puzzle. Marie and Nile have stayed after dinner too; they keep Levi busy tuning out both the disappointment they both spread around the room as well as the dumb movie they’re watching on the television.

“Well isn’t that wonderful,” Edith sighs when she finally ends the call that has lasted a good half an hour, making Levi look up from his book.

“Isn’t what wonderful?” Ansel asks her absently.

“Lynne just called,” Edith explains, sounding so happy it makes Levi’s skin tingle. “She’s pregnant.”

Levi feels instantly how both Nile and Marie sit up straighter on the sofa, and he wishes there was a polite way for him to get the fuck out of the room at that particular moment. There’s so much they’re giving out, so many feelings that intermingle and obviously confuse the hell out of even Nile and Marie themselves: sadness, resentment, bitterness, guilt. Levi can tell they want to feel happy for Lynne, but that feeling just isn’t forthcoming.

“That is wonderful,” Ansel says, and Marie and Nile nod along as best they can. They leave without finishing the movie, and Levi’s not sure if he’s more sad or relieved when they do.

“I probably shouldn’t have said anything,” Edith fusses after they’re gone. “I shouldn’t have upset them like that.”

“But you were so happy for Lynne,” Ansel argues from his armchair. “It’s not an easy thing, holding back joy. And they are happy for Lynne too. It’s just overshadowed by other things now.”

“Oh, I guess you’re right,” Edith says, getting to her feet and walking across the room toward the kitchen, but Ansel catches her by her arm on the way and she lets out a girlish squeal and laughs, startling Levi from his reading.

“Some of us are trying to get some work done,” he mutters, scoffing at Ansel’s apology and watching when he pulls Edith close and the two begin to dance, whispering and laughing and smiling at each other so warmly and gently that Levi feels his own chest filling with it.

It takes him a while to notice Erwin standing alone by the door. He’s watching his parents, expression somewhere between tenderness and hurt. The things he feels push through Ansel and Edith’s love, and again he seems to Levi like a popped balloon, like someone who’s given up on whatever dreams and hope they had before. The feeling’s so enormous and painful that Levi feels it closing around his own throat, but when his eyes meet Erwin’s, he turns back to his book without looking up again, without paying any more attention, and without saying a word.


	8. Chapter 8

Levi stops to shake some of the water out of his fur before he jumps up the porch steps and walks up to the front door. For a few seconds he considers scratching it, but the dark green paint on the door is too pristine and he doesn’t want to ruin it. He barks a couple of times, then jogs across the porch to the kitchen window to plant his front paws up onto the sill to see inside. He barks a few more times when he sees Edith, feeling a bit guilty when he sees her flinching and raising her hand to her chest. Levi watches her leave the room before he saunters back over to the door that Edith now opens for him.

“Is it raining, little one?” Edith asks him and peers outside. “Sorry your walk got cut short. Do you want to start your lesson early today?”

Levi bumps his head gently against her leg before running up the stairs, his claws clicking on the hardwood floors when he makes his way into his bedroom. He slips quickly out of his fur and into clean clothes still warm from the dryer before gathering up his school books and walking back down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Edith and Ansel are sitting around the kitchen island with cups of iced tea. Levi drops his books on the table and follows the scent of peach cobbler over to the stove, grabbing himself a slice and making a quick sandwich before pouring out a glass of juice and joining the others at the table, still ruffling his hair so it would dry faster.

“Hungry?” Edith asks and Levi nods, the sandwich half in his mouth already.

“Starving,” he replies, picking up and eating a piece of tofu that’s fallen onto his plate.

“You’ve been eating a lot more lately,” Edith comments and Levi shrugs.

“Gotta eat up to bulk up,” he states, washing down a mouthful of bread with a large gulp of orange juice.

It’s what Nan and Mike told him when he asked them about the best ways to grow some muscle: eat more, keep your calorie intake high enough and don’t skimp on protein. They drew up a meal plan for him a couple of weeks ago – nothing too strict, Nan said Levi’s too young for that – and ever since that, he’s been working out and eating like crazy. Now when he looks in the mirror, Levi thinks he can see a change, though he’s still not sure if it’s just wishful thinking.

“Oh, I see,” Ansel joins in, pushing his glasses up his hooked nose when they start slipping. “So that’s something you’re interested in?”

Levi shrugs, chewing up the bite of his sandwich before answering, “It’s good for you, right? Exercise and all that.”

“Yes, it sure is,” Ansel tells him, “but of course the age-old rule applies: everything in moderation! And I would caution against prioritizing physical workouts over mental exercises.”

“What he means,” Edith cuts in, “is that it’s good to find a balance between the two.”

“Sure,” Levi agrees, getting up to refill his glass quickly before returning to the table. “So we going to start or what?”

“How about you two get on with today’s lesson,” Edith says to Levi and Ansel, “and I’ll check your math homework in the meantime?”

Levi opens his history book – he’s past the middle of it already, and it’s the first time he can remember reading every page of a school book since the start of middle school. They’ve moved on to the civil war, and Ansel has also assigned some books for Levi to read for their English lessons that touch on the subject. He’s a good teacher, the best Levi’s ever had, and when he explains things Levi feels like he can actually understand them. Back when they started, Levi didn’t want to ask many questions to clear up the points he didn’t get, but after realizing that Ansel wouldn’t laugh at any of them, he’s started finding it easier and easier – and he has fewer and fewer questions to start with.

“Do you know what?” Edith asks Levi once the lesson is wrapping to a close; she’s holding his notebook in her hand and smiling widely. “I just marked up full points for you.”

“Seriously?” Levi asks, frowning when he accepts the notebook Edith is handing to him. He peers down at the page, gaze hunting those bright red markings. “There was nothing wrong with it?”

“Not a thing,” Edith says, beaming and radiating all sorts of parental pride and joy that make Levi’s chest feel tight around his lungs. “If this had been a test, you would’ve gotten an A.”

Levi stares at the notebook for a good while still, barely noticing Ansel patting him on the back and laughing.

“See?” he says, squeezing Levi’s shoulder a little too close to the scar on his neck. “Didn’t I tell you there’s nothing you can’t learn if you put your mind to it?”

“I hope you know we are all very proud of you Levi,” Edith says, making Levi’s ears feel hot. “The way you’ve applied yourself is just so… admirable and inspiring. I’m almost wondering… should I bake something to celebrate?”

“Please, just… don’t,” Levi tells her, shuddering when he feels the heat from his ears spreading to his neck and cheeks. “It’s no big deal. Seriously. Anyone could’ve done it.”

“But not _just anyone_ did. You did it,” Ansel tells him emphatically, locking Levi’s gaze for a few extremely uncomfortable seconds. “It’s alright to be proud of your accomplishments – and it’s alright to let other people know what you’ve accomplished.”

“Who has accomplished what?” Erwin asks, walking into the room and straight to the coffee maker to refill his thermos mug; the sight of him makes Levi’s lungs collapse even further.

“Levi didn’t have a single mistake on his homework today,” Edith blabs and Levi immediately wishes he could pull his hood over his head and disappear, especially when he hears the excitement in Erwin’s response.

“That’s great!” the man says; Levi can’t stand his gaze for more than a second. “I think dad’s right, you should be proud. Statistics and probability are tough subjects.”

So Erwin’s been keeping track of what he’s studying even if he doesn’t teach him anymore. Suppose it’s his job though, to keep up with everything that’s going on under his roof.

“It’s really not a big deal,” Levi protests meekly, closing the notebook and shoving it under the pile of books, “and I don’t want anyone to turn it into one.”

Edith sighs a little impatiently, but doesn’t keep arguing, to Levi’s relief. Throwing a party because someone didn’t fuck up their homework. What a waste of everyone’s time.

“Well if you’re sure,” she says and sighs a second time before taking Levi’s hand and giving it a quick squeeze. “I hope you know how proud we are, regardless.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Levi mutters, leaning his elbow onto the tabletop and leaning over his book to keep from meeting anyone’s eye – a perfectly good plan ruined by Erwin opening his mouth again.

“Actually, Levi, I was hoping to run into you,” he starts, forcing Levi to look up from the text again. “I wanted to ask you if you had any extra time on your hands these days.”

“I guess,” Levi says and shrugs. “What do you need?”

“I was just hoping you’d be able to help me out with something again,” Erwin tells him, and Levi feels the scar on his neck itching. “I’ve got a conference coming up, and I’ve fallen behind on preparing for it and I was wondering if you could give me a hand. It’d be much the same kind of thing as before the pack meeting.”

“Sure,” Levi promises at once – it’s easier being near Erwin again now that things have calmed down, in Levi’s pants and otherwise. “I can do that.”

“Great!” Erwin says excitedly, screwing the lid onto his thermos cup and smiling. “Should we start tomorrow?”

Levi shrugs. “Whenever you want.”

“Tomorrow it is then,” Erwin says. “Thank you, Levi.”

“No problem,” Levi mutters, turning back to his book and catching a sudden smell of sweat wafting up to his face. He didn’t realize how moist his armpits grew during the conversation.

They finish up their lesson soon after that, but Levi stays in the kitchen with Edith, helping her clean up the rest of the mess from lunch. Afterwards they sit down for another cup of tea and it feels to Levi like it’s the first time they’ve spent longer than a couple of minutes together in weeks.

“Did you enjoy your run in the woods?” she asks Levi who nods.

“Everything smells nice,” he states, taking a sip of his tea, “with the rain and all.”

“Yes, it really does,” she agrees, smiling. “I noticed it in the garden. And it’s so nice and quiet too now, isn’t it?”

Levi grunts a response that’s neither here nor there, even though he’s more than happy that things have calmed down around the pack. No more house full of strangers. No more everyone struggling to keep it in their pants long enough to make it through dinner. No more having to skulk out to jerk off in the woods like a creepy perv.

“All that must’ve seemed weird to you,” Edith says, something careful in her tone, like she sees herself approaching a delicate subject. “Was it?”

Levi shrugs and drinks his tea without speaking for a moment. “I guess,” he finally states when he feels Edith is expecting him to say something.

“I got the feeling you weren’t used to that,” she continues and her voice is definitely cautious now. “Like perhaps… that hadn’t happened to you before?”

Levi glances up nervously before taking a large gulp of his tea, lifting the cup to cover his face. He’s thought about that by himself too, how weird it is that he never really felt… all that back at the trailer park. He’s been trying to remember whether he did or didn’t, and thinks there were some signs of it back a year ago and even further back than that, but nothing compared to how bad it got here. There’s nothing he’s been able to name as a reason for the difference, if not the fact he never knew Erwin before – never knew anyone who could trigger something like that in him before.

“I know I should’ve told you this sooner,” Edith goes on once she realizes Levi’s not going to say anything, “but if there anything you feel you need to talk about or if you have any questions–”

“I’m good thanks,” Levi interrupts her, just to get himself and his itching armpits out of the situation faster. Besides, what would he ask? ‘Is it normal to jerk off more than eight times a day?’ Not in a million fucking years.

“Well, of course you don’t _have to_ ,” Edith says and sighs. “I just hope you know there is someone you can talk to if you need to, or want to.”

“Sure,” Levi says, more to reassure her than for any other reason. “Thanks.”

Edith gives him a quick smile and a pat on the arm. The touch sends shivers down Levi’s body and his mind seems stuck to this moment for whatever stupid reason. It reminds him of conversations Farlan has told him about, and scenes he’s seen in movies when a kid is embarrassed by something his parent is trying to tell him about. It occurs to Levi then for the first time to wonder how Edith would react if she knew how Levi thinks of her son, how he’s pictured him naked doing all sorts of nasty things. She’d probably kick him out if she knew, and make sure he’d never be welcomed back. He can’t really put his finger on why, but for some reason the thought of her finding out feels almost worse than the thought of Erwin getting wind of it.

They stay in the kitchen for a while longer, just the two of them, talking about _The Call of the Wild,_ which Edith read after Levi finished it. She asks him a lot of questions about it, some of them pretty difficult, and Levi wonders if she’s found them on some teaching website and prepped this whole conversation in advance. He’s gotten that feeling before – but then, it’s not hard for him to believe she’s smart enough to think of it all on the spot.

The dinner prep and the mealtime following it fill the room and Levi runs his books back upstairs to get them out of the way. Up in his room, he stops for a moment to open to window, letting in the smell of warm rain, the turned earth in the gardens and the fields, the new leaves on the trees that have only just sprouted and fully opened. There’s a scent of the approaching summer in the air already that makes Levi’s heart beat a little faster.

He’s started lingering on his jogs with the dogs, sitting by the banks of the lake to stare at the reflections of clouds on its surface, Hulk resting his head on his lap and groaning whenever Levi forgets to pet him. The following day is no exception; bright and sunny, it has Levi lying down in the grass and staring up at the bright blue sky. It’s not as peaceful as he hoped: at least one of the dogs is constantly checking up on him, as if lying down outside is a sign that he has collapsed and is about to die. Finally he’s forced to sit up when Biscuit sinks her teeth into the sleeve of his hoodie and starts pulling on it, nearly ripping the fabric.

“Alright, you little idiot,” Levi tells her, grabbing her into an embrace and ruffling her fur until she starts barking and jumping to get out of his reach. He laughs and gets to his feet, gathering up the dogs – Sesame needs three extra shouts and whistles to get out of the lake – and runs back to the enclosure at an easy jog.

After a quick shower, Levi knocks on the door of Erwin’s office, feeling a tightness in his chest that has him gritting his teeth when he reaches for the doorknob and twists it only to find the door locked. He’s still frowning when Erwin has rushed over to open it; he apologizes for the trouble, but doesn’t explain why his door was locked – and Levi doesn’t ask.

“You ready to get started?” he asks Levi who can’t help snorting.

“Are you?” he asks back, sitting down on the other side of Erwin’s desk.

Something in the room smells different from before, and it takes Levi a few seconds to realize it’s the enormous bowl of lemons sitting on a small table by the entrance. Erwin scoffs a little awkwardly and Levi shudders, suddenly regretting his own remark though he doesn’t really know why.

“Yes, I am ready,” Erwin says, gathering up a few papers that are sitting on his desk into a messy pile that he drops next to the laptop. “Thanks again for agreeing to help.”

Levi shrugs to dismiss the comment, looking over the assortment of things littering the desk and spotting a tube of hand cream. Scented. Mulberry and thyme. Not unpleasant, but weird in a house full of unscented things.

“So what’s this whole conference thing?” he asks. “Some kind of solar panel convention or something?”

Erwin laughs. “No, sadly it’s not a solar panel convention,” he says. “How cool would that be? But no, it’s a biannual meeting between most of the alphas in the area.”

Most of the alphas. So everyone else but Kenny, most likely.

“So what sort of stuff do you need help with?” Levi asks, wondering if Erwin’s expecting him to give some kind of statement about the whole bite thing or something for him to report back to the other alphas.

“The same sort of things as last time,” Erwin tells him, scratching the back of his neck quickly. “I’m giving a presentation about environmental protection initiatives and need help organizing the materials.”

“Sounds intense,” Levi comments, his hand coming up to run the scar on his neck for a few seconds before he forces it down.

Erwin laughs again. “It’s not, really,” he says. “I do it every year. But there are always new studies to cite and statistics to include, so last year’s power point needs some updating.”

“Right,” Levi mutters, relieved when Erwin’s phone starts ringing and interrupts the silence that falls in the room.

“Sorry, I have to take this,” Erwin says and Levi gives a half shrug to say he doesn’t care. He’s still glad when Erwin doesn’t leave the room – and there’s no reason for him to, since it’s only Mike at the other end. “How’s the apartment looking?”

Mike starts a long-winding explanation – Levi’s sure he’s never heard the man speak so much in one go – and with nothing to do, Levi starts looking around the room, frowning at the bowl of lemons that makes him feel like he’s really in some random person’s office and not Erwin’s. He catches Erwin’s attention and points at the bookshelf, waiting for the man’s quiet nod before crossing the room and walking over to it.

“I was afraid he might have done that,” Erwin says to Mike and sighs heavily; Levi watches him run his hand through his hair, frustrated, and swallows hard. “How long do you think it’ll take to fix it up?”

After a quick scan of the titles, Levi pulls out the same old book about werewolves he was flipping through last time. He tries to read some of the text, but Erwin’s words catch his attention better than the ones on the page.

“I guess the best option is for me to try and find the time to take care of it,” Erwin says, sounding exasperated. “I might be able to fit it in next month. Of course the other option is to hire a contractor, but I’m not sure the budget will bend that far after everything else.”

Levi flips through the pages slowly, looking at the black-and-white pictures of wolf-and-man hybrids, snorting a little at the wide-open mouths and three-inch claws. Someone sure had a wild imagination. Probably liked imagining how that kind of creatures came about too, some pervy monk in a monastery somewhere jacking it to the thought of some woman doing it with a wild animal. Fucking creep.

But then, it’s not as if Levi knows where it all started from. Could just as well be that, as gross as it sounds.

“No, I’ll do it myself,” Erwin says to Mike, sighing heavily again. “Thanks again for checking it out. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate. Tell Nan I said thanks.”

He hangs up the phone and Levi returns to the desk, still holding the book.

“Can I borrow this?” he asks Erwin, who glances up quickly and nods before turning straight back to the calendar on his phone.

“Of course,” he mutters distractedly, typing something up on the phone and letting out another sigh. “Keep it for as long as you want.”

“Thanks,” Levi states, debating for a second whether he should keep quiet but eventually asking, “Everything okay with Mike and… everything?”

Erwin glances up again after a few seconds, frowning and typing up a couple more things into his phone before putting it down on the desk.

“Yes, everything’s alright,” he says, but the note of exhaustion in his voice makes Levi question the words. “There’s been trouble with one the apartments we own in town, that’s all.”

“What kind of trouble?”

“We rented it out to a lovely young couple a few years back,” Erwin says, “but unfortunately they broke up recently and he stayed in the apartment while she moved out – and I’m afraid he hasn’t been as good at managing it as she was. Or paying his rent on time. Or at all, actually.”

“He turn it into a shithole or something?” Levi asks, thinking about urine-soaked floor boards and cockroaches in the corner and shuddering.

“I guess he didn’t exactly appreciate getting evicted,” Erwin says, and the amount of guilt he’s radiating pisses Levi off for some reason, “so he didn’t exactly bother cleaning up after himself. Or making sure he didn’t knock holes into the door frames while carrying his thing out of the apartment.”

“That sucks,” Levi states, placing the book on Erwin’s desk and leaning back in the chair. “But at least you know who this guy is, so you can sue his ass for damages and shit, right?”

“Yes, I guess I could do that,” Erwin replies, “but I’d rather not. I’m sure his life is difficult enough as it is without me adding to it by dragging him to court.”

“But he owes you,” Levi counters. “Like… he owes you real money. And you’re going to have to go through a lot of trouble to fix up the place.”

“I know,” Erwin says and sighs yet again, “but it’s not as if I really _need_ the money, or as if the pack does. It’s not the only or even the main source of income for any of us. And going to court might lead people to take too close a look at this family, and I’d rather avoid that – even if it ends up costing me some money. And time and energy.”

Levi clicks his tongue and shakes his head. Hippies.

“Well, I can give you a hand with that too if you need it,” he says, keeping his eyes on the cover of the book not to see the gratefulness on Erwin’s face; feeling it is bad enough. “Sounds like it’ll be a lot of work.”

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin says, and Levi’s ears burn up. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

They fall quiet for a moment before Erwin snaps out of whatever thoughts have been buzzing around his skull and starts guiding Levi through his tasks. Like he said, it’s much of the same as before: printing out things for Erwin to read, studies, statistics and charts, lines upon lines of text. Levi gets quickly into the swing of things again, working by his little station in the corner with his printer and stapler and sticky notes.

Whenever he’s waiting for the printer to finish a long job, like a 60-page study or a meta-analysis the length of a short book, Levi walks around in the office, a little warily at first but more confidently when Erwin doesn’t seem to mind or even notice. The man is nearly bent in half over some papers, his eyes flying across pages like he’s been reading since he was two years old like some goddamn Mensa kid or some shit. There’s nothing much for Levi to find very interesting – other than the thick layer of dust on top of the bookshelf. For some reason his hands itch to wipe it away, but he feels like fetching supplies and getting to work on it would be too intrusive somehow, too much like a judgment on the way Erwin keeps his rooms. All through the hours Levi spends there, they don’t speak much and the silence makes Levi bristle at first, but after a while he manages to ignore it so completely that when Erwin speaks out, it sounds almost too loud and obtrusive.

“I think it’s about time for dinner prep,” he says, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. “Do you know what’s for dinner?”

“Ansel said something about spaghetti and meatless balls,” Levi says and Erwin lets out a satisfied moan.

“They’ll need an extra pair of hands with that,” he says and gets up, pushing his phone into the pocket of his trousers and handing Levi the book about werewolves when he walks past the desk, saying, “Oh, and before I forget again, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Shoot,” Levi states, stopping with his hand already around the doorknob.

“I was wondering if you’ll be busy during the weekend,” Erwin says, and Levi feels strangely as though the man is evading his gaze a little bit. “Every now and again I like to make room for some one on one time with people in the pack and I was wondering if you wanted to do something together.”

“With you?” Levi asks like an idiot, and Erwin nods, laughing awkwardly.

“It’s completely optional, of course,” he says, scratching the back of his neck for a few seconds before pushing his hand into his pocket. “We could go somewhere you want to go.”

“Uhh…” Levi starts, his hand coming up to his neck to rub at the scar while he thinks. Where the hell would they go together? To a farmers’ market? To the library? To a… tax convention? Not a single viable option occurs to Levi, and the thought of spending a whole day within smelling distance of Erwin with no way to escape makes his stomach twist, but the way the man looks so nervous and apprehensive, Levi can’t help but agree anyway.

“Great,” Erwin says, and there’s no mistaking the relief he feels. “Just let me know where you want to go and make sure to keep Saturday free.”

“Yeah great,” Levi mutters too, leaving the room in a hurry and speeding through the house and up to his room.

A whole day with Erwin.

Levi leans his forehead against the cool glass of the window and smiles through the pain twisting his gut.

 

Levi spends much of the next days trying to come up with something for him and Erwin to do on Saturday, something that would comfortably take all day, something preferably taking place outdoors where the scent of Erwin would comfortably blend in with a hundred other smells, but schoolwork and helping Erwin out keep him too busy to give it a lot of thought. He thinks about it before going to sleep but most often the uneasiness he starts to feel makes him grab a book for distraction instead. He’s burning through his summer reading because of it, and on Friday he needs to take a trip to the library to get the next couple of things on the list Ansel and Edith drew up for him. With everyone else busy in the garden, Erwin tasks Flagon with driving Levi around again, and Levi can’t tell which one of them is less happy about it. He tries to be considerate despite disliking the guy and his creepy behavior, taking barely fifteen minutes finding everything he needs.

“Can we stop by a store real quick?” he asks Flagon once he’s buckled up. “I’m fucking thirsty.”

“Fine,” the man mutters like it’s the worst inconvenience of his life.

He stays in the car when Levi gets out and runs across the parking lot to the store, sighing when the cool air hits his bare arms once he’s past the doors. It’s the first hot day of the year, and Levi wonders how he’ll be able to live with nothing but black jeans and sweatpants in his closet. He walks quickly through the shop to the back and grabs a bottle of iced tea out of a refrigerated display cabinet, looking up when he suddenly catches a familiar scent.

Kenny.

The man is standing at the other end of the short corridor formed by parallel shelves, holding a six pack of beer and staring at Levi who stares back, the door of the cooler still held open by his hand. He looks _old,_ haggard and taller than Levi remembered, and there’s something foreign about his face, like Levi is suddenly seeing all the lines and creases he’d grown blind to before. Neither one of them says anything. For a few seconds Levi feels conflicted, wishing he could tell what Kenny’s thinking but guessing he’s better off not knowing. Just as Levi’s about to speak up – or maybe because of it – Kenny turns on his heels and walks away without giving him another glance. Levi stays by the cooler for a long time afterwards to make sure he won’t run into the man again at the register; his breathing feels short and painful all of a sudden, like something sharp and spiky has lodged itself in his throat.

“Line at the register?” Flagon asks him when he gets back to the car; Levi barely hears him from trying to spot the rusting piece of crap pick-up among the other cars in the lot.

“Yeah it was,” he says absently, chewing his bottom lip for a few seconds before saying, “Can you drop me off at Farlan’s if he’s home?”

At that moment Levi doesn’t want to examine whatever the fuck it is that comes over Flagon again, why his mouth presses into a tight line and why he’s suddenly so uncomfortable; he has pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Farlan’s number before the man has even said yes. When the boy picks up, he sounds a little weird and breathless, but Levi ignores it too and rushes to ask Farlan if he can hang out.

“I’m at Brad’s. My car’s in the shop, can you come pick me up if I text you the address?” Farlan replies; Levi passes it quickly on to Flagon and takes his indifferent shrugs for a yes. “Okay. See you in a bit.”

“Yeah, see you,” Levi says quickly.

He tells Flagon the address when he gets Farlan’s text, relieved when he realizes it’s not a long drive. Flagon seems to mind it anyway and being in the car with his sulky ass, Levi suddenly wishes he hadn’t asked. The man’s mood seems to worsen even further when Farlan gets into the car. Levi can sense how tense he gets, like he was suddenly sitting on a score of pins and needles instead of the comfy seat of the hybrid. He greets Farlan with barely a nod, his hands gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turn white. With all of that going on, it takes Levi a moment to pick up the scent Farlan has carried with him into the car; similar to the one that seemed permanently stuck to Levi’s bedsheets a couple weeks before.

“You got any gum or breath mints or anything?” Farlan asks Levi after a quick ‘hey’, sending Levi rummaging in his pockets, but before he finds anything, Flagon holds out his hand and passes a stick of gum to the boy, who gets no reply to his thank you.

The drive over to Farlan’s house is awkward and uncomfortable, but it seems to Levi like the other boy barely notices. They don’t talk about anything important in the car, exchange a couple of news, and Farlan tells Levi he can give him a ride home later. Once they’re in Farlan’s room, the boy sits down on the bed and asks for a swig of Levi’s iced tea, grimacing when he hands the bottle over.

“Thanks,” he says and sighs, pulling out his phone and checking it for messages before dropping it between himself and Levi on the bed. “I just… did something.”

“What did you do?” Levi asks, frowning when Farlan grimaces again.

“I just…” Farlan starts, pausing for a moment just to shudder, or so it seems to Levi. “I kind of sucked Brad’s cock. A little bit.”

Levi snorts out a loud laugh. “Seriously?” he asks, laughing even more when Farlan nods.

“Cut it out, it’s not funny,” he scolds without really meaning it, grimacing and shuddering again.

“How the fuck did that happen?” Levi asks him, not surprised when he sees Farlan shrugging.

“I don’t know,” he says, sighing. “We were just hanging out and suddenly I noticed his hand was down his pants.”

“That’s gross,” Levi comments; the smell still wafting over from Farlan makes the image that pops into his head way worse than it would otherwise be. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t know _what_ to do,” Farlan says. “I mean, what _do_ you do when you’re watching fail videos on someone’s laptop–”

“He was jacking it to fail videos?”

“No,” Farlan corrects him a bit defensively. “I think he was definitely doing that because I was there. But like… what do you do? What do you say when someone starts rubbing one out right next to you like that?”

“Well what _did_ you do?” Levi asks and Farlan shrugs again.

“I don’t know,” he says. “Not really anything. I was just kind of… I didn’t know what to do.”

“So you sucked his dick?”

“It wasn’t like that,” Farlan starts to argue, but falls quiet and sighs. “Okay. It was kind of like that.”

“Didn’t he freak out when you did that?” Levi asks him and Farlan shakes his head.

“He’s the one who asked me to!” he exclaims, slapping Levi on the arm when he starts laughing again.

“Was he all like ‘Hey, bro, can you suck my–”

“Yeah, he was all…” Farlan starts, imitating Brad’s voice when he continues, “’Can I come on your face, bro?’”

Levi cackles louder and Farlan joins in, though his laughter is interrupted every once in a while by disgusted groans.

“Did he at least let you do the same to–”

“No,” Farlan interrupts him and sighs. “I had to get off in their guest bathroom like a creep. Afterwards he called me like ‘a real good bro’ or some shit.”

“Jesus,” Levi huffs and shudders before grinning. “But think about it. In fifty years the two of you will be telling that story to your grandkids.”

“Cut it out,” Farlan snaps, smacking Levi on his arm again when he falls over, cackling again. “I swear to God, I am not going over to his house again. That was some seriously nasty shit.”

Levi stays at Farlan’s past dinner, but doesn’t manage bringing up the run in with Kenny until they’re already driving back to Levi’s, and even then he does it mainly to keep himself from feeling the need to tell someone in the pack about it. He tells Farlan it was no big deal, that he didn’t feel much anything then, and all the while he’s talking he doesn’t understand why he would lie to the boy about something like that. He’s still feeling bad about it when he gets back to the house, and he slips into his fur to escape it, running around in the woods for a good couple of hours, staying far away from the border this time. It’s then that the idea suddenly strikes him for where to go with Erwin, and on his way back to the house, Levi stops by the man’s office to let him know.

They set out early the following day that even in the morning promises to be as beautiful and warm as the one before. Levi feels his hands clenching up a bit when he buckles up and catches the faintest whiff of Erwin’s sweat when the man lifts his arm to do the same. He drives them out of the pack lands and towards town, and for a long time neither one of them finds anything to say. Levi keeps glancing at Erwin from the corner of his eye, though the sight of the strain on the buttons of the man’s shirt makes his jaws clench.

“Have you been to the zoo before?” Levi finally asks Erwin to get his mind off it, surprised when the man shakes his head; he would’ve thought he’d have gone there with the pups or something before.

“Have you?” Erwin asks Levi, and he nods.

“Lots of times,” he replies, gazing out the window at the familiar roads. “I’ve got friends there.”

“I hope I’ll get to meet them,” Erwin says, smiling to Levi when he glances over.

The parking lot is still almost empty when they finally arrive, just like Levi hoped it would be. He lets Erwin pay for his ticket even though he made sure to take enough money out of his allowance to pay for his own. Levi starts walking as soon as they’re past the gate, fast and with purpose, only realizing how weird it is when Erwin calls out his name behind him.

“I usually just go straight to one enclosure,” he explains once the man has caught up to him, “but we can go around all of the other ones if you–”

“No, it’s fine,” Erwin says, smiling – but Levi can sense he’s uneasy. “Just… do what you normally do.”

Levi nods and starts walking again, taking his usual route: past the birdhouse, across the little bridge, passing the pizza place. The smell of it makes Levi’s stomach growl despite the heavy breakfast he had before they left. He senses Erwin’s curiosity, catches it growing when he speeds up his steps to get to the wolves he can already hear barking and whining ahead.

He runs up to the fence as soon as he sees them, ignoring Erwin pointing out he’s not supposed to. They jump up against the confines of their cage, all trying to get past one another to be the first to greet him. Levi sighs with relief when he gets to them; a part of him feared they would’ve forgotten about him after not seeing him for so long.

“Are they the friends you talked about?” Erwin asks, walking up the enclosure and smiling when Levi nods.

“This is Slava,” he tells him, letting the big female lick the palm of his hand through the steel wire fence. “The one behind her is Fedya, and that’s Ilya. The one skulking around the edge is Pasha.”

Erwin steps closer to the fence and laughs when Fedya tries to push his snout through the gaps in the wire to catch his scent. Levi watches as the man reaches out his hand to let the wolf smell him. It feels weird, seeing Erwin here. Like this more than anything is a sign of his two lives merging and blending together.

“Have you known them for long?” Erwin asks him, and Levi nods again.

“I used to come around a lot right after they were born,” he explains, reaching with his fingers to be able to scratch Ilya from under his jaw. “I guess they caught my scent at one point and decided I was one of them – enough, anyway. So I kept coming back whenever I could just to hang out here.”

“I’m sure you’ve been a great comfort to one another,” Erwin says, sounding suddenly so much like Edith that it makes Levi feel uneasy. “You know you should stick to the areas marked for visitors, though.”

Levi grins. “Don’t worry, the lady who feeds them knows me,” he tells Erwin, letting Pasha skulk over when the others saunter off to take a quick lick at his knuckles through the fence. “She’s cool with it – more or less.”

“Even so, we’d better get back,” Erwin says, giving Pasha a quick scratch on his snout. “Thank you for introducing me to them.”

Levi follows him back over to the pavement, looking back to see the wolves playing around in the grass; so carefree and playful, even though they were hardly pups anymore. He sits down next to Erwin on a bench opposite the enclosure and keeps looking at them, suddenly realizing that this doesn’t feel the same as it once did, that whatever comfort he used to get from this isn’t there anymore – or perhaps he just doesn’t need it now.

“I remember I used to save up so much money to come here,” Levi says, not really to tell Erwin about it but more just to say it out loud. “I jumped the fence a couple of times but it felt better to pay for a ticket. I figured they use the money for food and stuff for them.”

“Did your uncle give you an allowance?” Erwin asks Levi, who shakes his head.

“He hooked me up with a job at the waste treatment plant for a couple of summers,” Levi explains. “It paid for gas for the bike and tickets here, and that was pretty much all I needed or wanted back then.”

Erwin nods along, and Levi wonders if he’s finding it hard to think of something to say. He’s sure the man can’t relate to that and he doesn’t expect him to. He’s fine just sitting there quietly, watching the wolves playing around, nipping at each other and chasing each other back and forth.

“Thank you for telling me that, Levi,” Erwin suddenly says, turning to look at Levi and smiling. “I feel like I know you a bit better now.”

Levi doesn’t know what to say so he shrugs and looks away, thinking about Erwin’s words. He hasn’t really considered it, but he supposes it is strange how badly they know each other after over a year. After all, what does he know about Erwin other than that he never takes a day off and that he hates reading things off a screen and needs everything printed out for him? Suddenly Levi’s reminded of the first time they met back at the house in the trailer park. Erwin seemed so old then, much older than he does now. Like a fucking congressman, like someone you see on the news answering some questions about the trade deficit or some shit like that. Not really a person.

They go around some of the other enclosures but Levi can sense something about the whole thing is making Erwin uneasy, so he decides to suggest they take off early. They circle by the wolves again to say goodbye and stop by the pizza place to ask if they have anything vegan they could have for lunch, but when they don’t, they leave the zoo and drive over to a café nearby that Erwin’s eaten at before. Levi gets a seitan burger with fries while Erwin gets a pita bread filled with falafels and stuff.

“Are you excited about going back to school after the summer?” he asks Levi while they’re eating.

Levi shrugs. “I guess,” he says after swallowing a mouthful of burger. “I like the learning stuff more than the sitting at school stuff. And that place is full of damn snobs.”

Erwin laughs at that – and it’s better he laughs than gets upset.

“So you don’t think you’ll find someone like-minded enough to spend time with?” Erwin asks him, and Levi shrugs again.

“I don’t know,” he says, thinking back to last fall. “There’s some other… people like us there. Just a couple, but they seem okay.”

“I thought I remembered some other packs had sent kids there,” Erwin muses; Levi fights not to stare at his Adam’s apple when he takes a few large gulps of water. “I hope you’ll be able to make friends with them. School is a lot more bearable if you’ve got someone to spend time with.”

Levi thinks back to his time in his old school with Farlan, and grunts in agreement.

“Did you like school?” he asks Erwin, who laughs a little awkwardly.

“I guess it was…” he starts, and laughs again. “I liked the learning part more than the sitting at school part.”

Levi laughs too. “Were you in the marching band or something?”

“Go club,” Erwin corrects, a little embarrassed.

“What a go club?”

“Oh, it’s a…” Erwin starts, scratching the back of his head. “Go is an old Chinese board game. Sort of like chess. Anyway, my point was, high school wasn’t terrible. I always had Mike, which was a comfort. Though we did very different things. He was much more into sports than I was.”

“Basketball?” Levi asks and Erwin nods.

“That,” he says, “and football as well.”

Levi nods along, focusing on his burger when the conversation fizzles out. Erwin does the same with his falafels, and Levi catches the feeling that he’s trying to think of something to say again.

“College was better,” Erwin finally says and Levi looks up. “Better than high school, I mean.”

“Where did you go to college?”

“Washington State,” Erwin says, pausing to eat. “I didn’t want to go too far from home.”

Levi nods along, wondering what Erwin studied, but feeling like he’s already asked one question too many. Erwin’s probably wondering why he’s running his mouth like that.

“Have you thought any more of that?” the man asks, shaking Levi from his thoughts. “About going to college?”

Levi shrugs. “I guess I’ve finally figure it’s not like, impossible for me to do that,” he says, “but I don’t know what I would study there and I don’t want to just waste everyone’s time and money. So if I’m going, I want to be sure.”

Erwin nods along. “That’s a smart approach,” he tells Levi, who would rather look at his burger right then than at Erwin. “I knew pretty early on what I wanted to do, but I think if I hadn’t, I would’ve taken a year or two to figure it out before applying.”

“What did you study?” Levi finally asks, suddenly unable to stop himself – but Erwin doesn’t seem to mind.

“Mechanical engineering,” he says; the answer surprises Levi, who figured Erwin would’ve gone for business management or agriculture… fuck, even philosophy or some shit. “I knew I wanted to learn all I could about renewable energy and that seemed like the best way to do it.”

Right. Solar panels and wind turbines and all that shit.

“Back when I started going to the zoo,” Levi starts, not understanding why he’s boring Erwin with his shit but going ahead anyway, “I thought it might be cool to be a vet or something and work with the animals. But I don’t want to stick my hand up a giraffe’s ass or anything, so I kind of moved on from that.”

Erwin laughs so wildly he almost spits out his falafel. When he starts coughing and clearing his throat, Levi feels bad for having said anything.

“I guess there are things about all jobs that aren’t so great,” Erwin finally manages to say, and Levi wants to ask him what it is about being an alpha that he doesn’t like, but in the end he keeps his mouth shut. “But that’s definitely something worth considering.”

They fall quiet again for a while before something that bothered Levi before pops into his head.

“How come you hadn’t been to the zoo before?” he asks Erwin. “I thought you would’ve taken the pups there or something.”

He feels Erwin’s discomfort as soon as the words are out of his mouth, and regrets asking the question.

“I don’t particularly like zoos,” Erwin confesses and Levi’s heart drops through the floor. “It makes me uncomfortable, seeing all the animals in enclosures and cages like that. People staring at them.”

Levi falls quiet and starts nibbling on what’s left of his fries. The awkwardness and guilt around the table seem to reach into Levi’s chest and squeeze his windpipe until he can barely breathe. Suddenly the whole idea of taking Erwin to the zoo feels stupid and immature. The whole idea of spending a day with the man seems like a disaster waiting to happen, and Levi doesn’t understand how he didn’t see it before.

“You could’ve said something, you know,” Levi mutters. “We could’ve gone someplace else.”

“No! I didn’t mean–” Erwin starts, stopping suddenly and letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m glad we went. It was clearly important to you and that’s what this day was about. I wanted to go someplace you wanted to go – no matter where that was.”

Levi glances up and knows Erwin is telling the truth, but it doesn’t really lift his mood, though Levi wishes it did; Erwin’s guilt is so palpable, Levi wishes he could say something to make it disappear, but he can’t think of anything and can’t get past his own shitty mood. Neither one of them seems to have a lot to say, and they leave the café immediately after they’re both finished eating. The car ride back to the house is just a stretched-out awkward silence that Levi’s happy to escape as soon as they stop in front of the porch.

Once inside, Levi changes into exercise gear and goes for a long run around the lake to keep from thinking about it, focusing on the rhythm of his breathing and letting the rest of his mind go blank. After getting back and showering, he joins the dinner prep, relieved when Edith tells him they have a movie night planned for the pups for after dinner. When the time comes, they all gather into the living room where Ansel has set up the screen that Erwin used for his power points at the pack meeting.

“What’s the movie?” Levi asks Nan, who’s carrying in three big bowls of popcorn.

“The Lion King,” she says and grimaces. “Hope you’ve got tissues ready.”

“I’ve never seen it,” Levi tells her and she looks ready to start questioning his whole existence, but in the end she just tells him she hopes he likes it.

They all settle down wherever there’s room, the pups fighting over spots in their favorite people’s laps like it’s a battle to draw first blood. Levi’s surprised to have Eren and Jean fighting over him, and in the end he snaps at them to sit one on either side and shut the hell up. They do as they’re told fast enough, but Levi still catches them pinching each other behind his back when the movie finally starts. They only stop when Marco takes a seat next to Jean with a plastic cup full of popcorn and distracts Jean from retaliating.

The movie’s alright as far as Levi’s concerned, though he’s always sort of thought all that singing and dancing is pretty weird, and it feels especially wrong in a movie about lions. He also can’t help thinking that Simba’s kind of a little shit – but when he’s walking alone in the canyon, shouting out for his dad, something in Levi’s mind shifts. He watches on, frowning, something threatening to bubble up from some deep chasm of his memory when Simba keeps nudging the old lion, trying to wake him up and finally realizing he can’t. It’s all too much, it’s pulling up things Levi doesn’t want to think about, doesn’t want to remember or ever see again.

He gets up from his spot on the floor and walks out into the dark kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water and emptying it, trying to tell himself that’s all he needs, but sinking down onto the floor nonetheless. Levi leans his back against the cupboards and presses the cold glass against his forehead. He keeps his eyes open not to see those things he’s fighting so hard to keep at bay now: the peeling linoleum of the kitchen floor, the large tear in the wallpaper above the window, the empty bottles of bleach in the corners, the filthy, stinking mattress in the corner with–

“Hey.”

Levi looks up and sees Erwin at the door: one hand on the frame, gazing down at him, thick brows knitted and drawing a faint line on his forehead.

“Everything alright?”

Levi nods without thinking about the question, then stops to think for a few seconds and shrugs.

“I just need a minute,” he says, surprised by how gruff his own voice sounds in his ears.

“Okay,” Erwin replies, something reassuring in the word, even if it is short and simple like that. “Can I sit with you?”

Levi shrugs again and draws his knees up, making room for Erwin to sit down close by. In that moment, Levi doesn’t know how to say ‘thank you’, so he says nothing at all.


	9. Chapter 9

Leaning over the printer, Levi lets out a heavy exhale that feels long overdue, brushing his hand through his hair and wiping the small beads of sweat off his forehead. He feeds more paper into the printer’s paper tray and presses ‘print’, hissing a swear and canceling it in the next second when he notices he didn’t remember to change the setting and make the machine print on both sides of the paper. Wasteful; Erwin wouldn’t appreciate it. The heat is making him sloppy.

Behind him at the desk, Erwin lets out a sigh that sounds like a delayed echo of Levi’s own exasperation. Levi can smell his frustration, how the ever-present heat of the summer is wearing him down too. When he glances back, he catches a glimpse of the dark stains under Erwin’s arms and shudders. No place to think about that, about burying his face into one of Erwin’s armpits and taking a breath so deep his lungs would ache from it. Levi focuses on the printer, lets the soothing whirring of the machine fill his mind until he can grab the text-filled papers and staple them together.

He returns to his chair that sits opposite of Erwin across the desk and places the printer-fresh wad of papers on top of the tall pile already waiting for him to start organizing it. He glances quickly at his phone before grabbing the top-most study and starting to eye through it; his task for the day, to look through the studies he’s printed out for Erwin and categorizing them however makes the most sense to him. They’re all about the environment in one way or another and though Levi has planned to just look through them enough to figure out the main thing being studied, he soon finds himself reading them much more intently than he thought he would. For a moment here and there, he even forgets about the heat that’s still making even his t-shirt and shorts feel uncomfortably warm. How Erwin manages to live in his trousers and collar shirt is beyond him. He doesn’t stop reading until something in the text stops making sense to him.

“Hey, Erwin?” he asks the man who hums a reply but doesn’t look up from the laptop. “I’ve got a questions about the numbers in this study.”

“What is it that’s confusing you?” Erwin asks him, taking another couple of seconds to look up from the screen.

“It says here that 91% of the Amazon rainforest that’s been cut down since 1971 has been turned into grazing land for cattle,” Levi says, reading from the paper. “That can’t be right. Can it?”

“What’s the source on that?” Erwin asks him back, nodding when Levi lets him know. “No, that sounds about right.”

“So 91% of the rainforest they’ve cut down has been just to feed cows and shit?” Levi asks, shaking his head when Erwin nods. “Well that’s kind of fucked up. Aren’t rainforests like, the lungs of the planet or some shit?”

Erwin lets out a quiet laugh before agreeing.

“It’s just one of the ways in which animal agriculture is wreaking havoc on the planet,” he says, suddenly radiating a frustrated kind of sadness. “I’m glad you find the subject interesting. I’m sure it makes the work more pleasant.”

“Yeah, this is some wild shit,” Levi tells him, turning back to the study and letting Erwin get back to his work.

They keep at it, each focusing on their own thing, birdsong drifting in through the open window that seems to Levi to be letting in warmer air than what fills the office. Levi gets to the end of the study and sticks a post-it on it, writing down ‘deforestation’ before dropping the papers on the desk. Stretching his arms above his head, he can suddenly feel how wet his armpits are, how the hair glues onto his skin and makes him stink. Levi’s heard several people making requests to turn the AC on in the main house, at least for food prep and meal times, but so far Erwin has declined all of them despite the soaring temperatures that have drained most of the green out of the grass outside; to keep the budget, he says. It makes the pups crankier than Levi’s ever seen them. Insufferable brats. As if everyone isn’t annoyed enough already.

Across the desk, Erwin lets out a wide yawn, stretching his back and glancing at his watch, groaning loudly. Levi follows him from the corner of his eye when he presses the cool side of his thermos mug against his neck and sighs, though Levi can imagine the partial relief just makes the rest of his body feel warmer and more uncomfortable. He takes a large swig of his cup and sighs, glancing at his watch again.

“They’ve taken the pups to the lake half an hour ago,” he says to Levi, rubbing his reddened face for a few seconds before looking up again. “What do you say we close up shop and go join them? Take the dogs with us?”

Levi doesn’t waste a second dropping the papers he’s holding and getting to his feet. “Fuck yes,” he huffs, smiling when he hears Erwin laughing.

“Let me just change into something more comfortable,” he says. “You should get us both some water to drink.”

“Sure,” Levi agrees at once, more than happy to get out of the danger zone while Erwin gets out of his clothes. He runs into the kitchen to grab them both a bottle of water from the fridge, dawdling for a moment by the fridge and keeping the door open, finally snatching a few slices of pineapple from a container and wolfing them down before walking back to Erwin’s office, his flip-flops slapping against the hardwood floors. He’s still licking the juice off his fingers when he leaves his shoes by the exit, stepping out onto the grass barefoot and keeping a slow pace until Erwin has caught up with him.

“No shoes?” he asks and Levi shrugs.

“This feels alright,” he says; and he means it. As soon as they get to the forest with the dogs, the scorched grass makes way for a well-trampled dirt path where the ground feels suddenly cool under his feet.

“You know what, let me try that,” Erwin mutters, pausing to pull off his shoes and socks and getting into a fight with Biscuit, who sinks her teeth into the tan loafer as soon as it’s off Erwin’s foot.

“Nice, right?” Levi asks Erwin, laughing when he lets out a loud moan and plants the soles of his feet more firmly on the ground.

“I can’t remember the last time I did this,” the man says and sighs, lifting his shoe out of Biscuit’s reach when she tries a jump-and-grab.

“The only annoying thing is that you need to keep washing your feet,” Levi notes, lifting his foot to let Erwin see the dirty sole of it, “but I guess you can never wash your feet too much anyway.”

Erwin laughs and for a few minutes they keep walking in silence, both petting a dog when one of them happens to run by close enough. The air is fragrant with pine and resin and sun, so warm and heavy it seems to pull on Levi’s limbs and relax them. He casts a hidden glance at Erwin, allows himself a few seconds to admire the curves of the muscles on his arms, revealed now that he has changed into a t-shirt and a pair of navy blue trousers that leave his ankles bare. He looks younger dressed like this. No more Mr. Accountant. He could be a catalogue model or some shit.

“You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Erwin suddenly says, and Levi turns his gaze back to his feet at once. “With the pack barbecue and hunt coming up, I was wondering if you would be comfortable taking the lead in running down a deer or two.”

The words force Levi to look up again, mouth slightly open in surprise. “Are you serious?” he asks Erwin, who laughs and nods.

“We’ll need to take down a couple of the young ones this time around,” he explains, scratching the back of his head; probably an itch brought on by sweat. “I thought of you first thing.”

Levi lets the words sink in slowly. First thing. Erwin thought of him first thing. Out of everyone else in the pack.

“Yeah,” he finally manages to get out, rubbing the scar on his neck until he remembers to lower his hand. “Yeah, I can do that. Totally.”

“Great,” Erwin says and smiles widely enough to show his teeth – fucking immaculate. “I’m sure you’ll do a great job.”

They can both hear the goings on at the lake long before they actually get to it: people laughing, the splashing of water, barking and the occasional howl that a few of the dogs answer when they hear it. They run straight to the water once the path opens up to the clearing around it, sending water flying onto the pups already swimming and splashing in the shallows. They laugh and chase the dogs around, some slipping into their furs and leaving brightly colored swimsuits floating on top of the waves. Levi says a quick hi to Edith and Ansel and nods at Mike and Nan on his way to the little shed where he changes into his swimwear. When he walks out, he sees Erwin has already changed into his right there on the grass.

The heat of the day seems to disappear as soon as Levi walks into the lake where the water is cool but not cold; like bathwater, like a cool shower that refreshes you after a long, hot day. As soon as he dips his head under the surface, Levi feels a million times better, and when he comes up for air, he can’t help letting out a heavy sigh. He swims quickly a bit farther from the shore and the raucous pups and dogs. As soon as he’s deep enough, he turns on his back to float on of the surface and let the sun bear down on him, feeling completely at peace – until someone suddenly grabs his foot and sends him scrambling to stay afloat. He’s not surprised when he sees Isabel emerging from the water, wearing enormous swimming goggles and the biggest grin Levi’s seen on her face.

“Funny,” Levi drawls, splashing water on her face when she laughs. “Anyone ever tell you those goggles make you look like an idiot?”

“Has anyone ever told you that outer beauty is superficial and fading and doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things?” she asks him back, lifting the goggles to her forehead and revealing a pair of large, red impression marks around her eyes.

“Whatever,” Levi mutters, guessing from the girl’s smug expression that she considers herself a winner of something. “What are you doing with them anyway?”

“Exploring,” she tells him matter-of-factly. “There’s all kinds of cool stuff at the bottom of the lake. Plants, shells, cool rocks. The other day I even saw an old anchor.”

“Yeah, sounds super interesting,” Levi drawls, laughing when Isabel splashes water in his face. “You haven’t seen any eels or leaches in here with those have you?”

Isabel shakes her head and pops the goggles back onto her face. “I’ll keep an eye out,” she promises before inhaling and disappearing under the surface, giving Levi another tug on his leg when she dives past.

He stays in the lake for a while longer, looking up at the sky where big white clouds draw empty spaces on the pristine blue. He only leaves when the water starts to feel cold on his skin, wading past Erwin who is busy playing with the pups in the shallows, his hair looking lighter where the sun hits it just right. Levi walks out onto the grass and sits down to catch his breath, only managing to rest for a couple of minutes before Eren walks over to ask him to come and play.

They throw around an inflatable beach ball, driving the dogs – especially Biscuit – almost out of their minds with excitement. All of the pups join in at one point or another, even the couple of quieter kids who Levi wouldn’t have thought would be into it. He keeps playing with them until it’s time to leave, and he can’t understand how the little shits never seem to run out of energy. By the time they’re all heading back, Levi’s dragging his feet while the kids are still running along, chasing the dogs and each other – all except Armin, a quiet kid who always makes Levi wonder what Erwin was like at that age. He follows at the back of the column with Ansel, stopping every once in a while to point at a plant and to kneel down by it, having a quick discussion with the old man about it before they continue on their way.

Back at the house, Levi forgets he left his flip flops by Erwin’s door and has to go round to fetch them. He takes a shortcut through Erwin’s office, not surprised when he finds the man already sitting back at his desk, reading through the studies Levi sorted through earlier. When he glances up at Levi, he laughs apologetically, as if Levi’s somehow scolding him for going back to work.

“Thanks for helping me out with the pups earlier,” Erwin says, and Levi shrugs, his hand already on the doorknob.

“It was alright,” he tells the man. “They’re good kids. I didn’t mind.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Erwin says, turning back to the papers on his desk. “Could you make sure someone calls me when dinner is done?”

“Sure,” Levi promises, exiting the room, feeling like they never say enough to each other, him and Erwin – but not knowing what he would want to say, or hear.

They go to the lake almost every day while the heat lasts – and it lasts, unusually long, with only one or two rainy days breaking the constant sunshine with lightning and thunder. When June turns into July, Erwin finally breaks and allows the AC to be turned on – but only for when the rest of the pack is visiting for the 4th of July. Levi thinks it’s a smart decision; enough tension with everyone under the same roof again without them all going out of their minds from the heat.

With Mike and Nan busy in the gardens and orchards, Levi handles the shopping with Edith and Ansel and Erwin, though he’s afraid he’ll run into Kenny again. They don’t, but Levi spends the whole hour and a half in the grocery store glancing over his shoulder for a sign of the man. Once they get back to the house, Levi helps with the food prep until Edith shoos him out of the kitchen, telling him he should be enjoying the weather instead of wasting such a gorgeous day indoors. Levi doesn’t argue with her. Instead he grabs his towel and a book and rides his dirt bike over to the lake, where he lies in the grass and swims and slips into his fur to run in the woods, where the scents amplified by the hot days make him yearn for the upcoming hunt. He doesn’t head back until sunset and, having missed dinner, walks straight into the kitchen for a bite to eat before heading to bed. He finds Ansel still slaving over the stove, wearing his stupid apron and smiling when he sees Levi.

“We missed you at dinner,” he comments when Levi walks over to the fridge to help himself to a sandwich; he needs to dig through half a dozen containers and jars and bowls on each of the shelves to find everything he needs. “Were you taking a solitary moment before everyone arrives?”

Levi grunts a yes, pulling six slices of bread out of a bag and slathering thick layers of hummus on three of them before slicing open an avocado and scooping the whole thing out on the remaining three.

“You’re much like me and Erwin in that,” Ansel tells him, stirring something in a large pot while he speaks. “Sometimes I wonder how we ended up becoming alphas with how well we enjoy being by ourselves.”

“Maybe it just means you know how to take time away from it all,” Levi comments, slapping a slice of cold, fried tofu onto his sandwiches. “That’s important, right?”

“You know, I think you might be onto something there,” Ansel muses, abandoning the pot and leaning against the counter. “Perhaps it is more fruitful to see it as a strength rather than a weakness.”

“It’s not as if you hate being around people,” Levi notes, slicing up a tomato and popping the slices onto the tofu. “Balance and shit. Right?”

“Right,” Ansel says and laughs, turning to give whatever’s in the pot one last stir before moving it off the heat. Levi hears his stomach growling all the way from where he’s standing. “Those sandwiches look mighty good.”

Levi nudges the bag of bread towards the old man, who laughs again and grabs himself a handful of slices. Levi talks him through what he’s put in his and once they’re both done, they sit down at the kitchen island, both groaning and laughing when they take their first bites out of their sandwiches. Fucking delicious; Levi wolfs down the first of his three in under two minutes before slowing down for the next one.

“Are you excited about the upcoming hunt?” Ansel asks Levi all of a sudden, and he shrugs. “Nervous?”

“Not really,” Levi answers, not finding that feeling within him at this moment.

“And you shouldn’t be,” Ansel tells him. “Erwin wouldn’t have asked you if he didn’t think you were ready and able. He thinks very highly of your abilities.”

Levi swallows his mouthful with effort, scratching the back of his neck when the edges of his ears start heating up. Across the kitchen island, Ansel lays down his sandwich and leans his elbow on the table.

“I’ve been curious about what it was like for you,” he says quietly, “the night when Erwin bit you.”

Levi glances up at once before turning his eyes back onto his plate, and the half-eaten sandwich that suddenly reminds him of it, the power of Erwin’s jaws holding him in place even though his paws were pulling up the mud and dirt underneath.

“Has he talked to you about that?” Levi asks instead of answering Ansel’s question, and the old man nods.

“I think your side of it is just as important,” he tells Levi who appreciates the frankness; there’s always something uncomfortable about how delicately Edith tries to say things. “If not more important.”

Levi’s hand comes up to the scar again until he forces it down onto the table instead. He shrugs and frowns, searching for the right words – or any words, for that matter.

“If you’re asking me why I did it, I can’t answer that,” he finally says, looking up at Ansel, whose blue eyes show too much understanding for Levi’s liking. “I think it was an instinct sort of thing. But other than that, I don’t know.”

Ansel nods along, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Sometimes it can be confusing, being what we are,” he says. “Though I think most humans have many sides to themselves too, I believe seldom is the divide as drastic as what we experience. I remember many times in my youth when that animal part of me seemed to know something I didn’t, or reacted to things I was barely aware of.”

“Is it like that anymore?” Levi asks, finding himself in Ansel’s words and hoping for some kind of reassurance that things get clearer and easier to handle.

The old man smiles. “Youth is a time of exploration and confusion when you try and find out who you are,” he says. “By the time you get to my age, if you’re lucky you will have figured it out – or most of it, at least. That includes finding that balance between those different sides of yourself.”

Levi scoffs. “Well,” he drawls, “it’s good to know that in forty years I should have it all figured out.”

Ansel laughs and picks up his sandwich again. “I doubt it will take you forty years,” he says. “An intelligent young man like you? I’m sure you’ll be done in half the time.”

Levi snorts out a laugh and picks up his own sandwich. “Being funny runs in the family, huh?”

“From anyone else I’d consider that an insult,” Ansel tells him, “but coming from you, it’s clearly high praise.”

Levi scoffs, but doesn’t argue. He’s not sure he meant what he said as a compliment, but there’s no denying that Erwin’s funny as hell.

Ansel picks a few crumbs of tofu off his plate and sighs, holding his stomach. “That was without a doubt one of the best sandwiches I’ve ever had,” he says and smiles. “I wonder what other talents you’re still hiding from us.”

Some part of Levi wants to tell Ansel not to hold his breath while he waits for them, but glancing up at the pleased look on his face and feeling the pride wafting off him, he doesn’t have the heart.

“I’ll have to stop hiding them from myself first,” he mutters, flinching a little when Ansel pats him on the shoulder.

“All you need is more self-confidence, my boy,” he tells Levi and sighs. “But at your age I suppose that’s quite the tall order.”

“Yeah, what isn’t?” Levi drawls, making Ansel laugh again.

“It can be quite a trial, if memory serves,” he says, gathering up their plates and getting to his feet, “but I’m sure a closer examination will reveal some things to be grateful for even amidst teenage tribulations.”

 

When Levi wakes up the next morning – though in truth it’s closer to midday than morning – he can tell at once that the others have arrived; the racket they’ve started making has invaded his dreams and made the last few hours of sleep restless and constantly interrupted. He slouches downstairs and greets everyone who have gathered into the kitchen, shuddering when he sees Marie and Nile hugging each other and smiling; touchy feely crap, and too early in the morning, but Levi supposes it’s better than their usual moping.

“Oh, Levi, there you are,” Edith says, patting his cheek as soon as she walks over. “Are you just waking up? We’re not going to start eating until a couple of hours from now. Are you hungry?”

“I’ll just make a smoothie or something, don’t worry,” Levi tells her, feeling a little exasperated by her fussing. “Can I help out with something?”

“We’ve got things covered here, but they might need help setting up everything outside,” Edith tells him, already tightening the strings of her apron to tend to all the pots on the stove. “You really should eat something first – and drink some water! It’s going to be another hot one today!”

He makes himself a quick breakfast of a smoothie and a bottle of water and escapes out onto the porch with it. He drinks them both slowly, watching people dragging tables and chairs onto the lawn where Erwin is supervising the assembly of a huge canopy in the middle of the yard. On the porch Mike is changing a new gas container to the grill, already wearing his dumb apron while he does it.

“Any teriyaki tofu on the menu this year?” Levi asks and the corners of Mike’s mouth nudge upwards for a few seconds.

“You bet,” he says, standing up and testing the grill quickly before turning off the gas again and muttering, “That and a hundred other things.”

And once the eating finally starts, it seems to Levi Mike wasn’t even exaggerating about that. The spread is much what it was the previous year: burgers and tofu hot dogs, marinated tofu, salads, mushrooms, corn on the cob, grilled pineapple and a whole bunch of other vegetables that Mike has treated with barbecue sauce on the grill. The difference to last year are the weird-looking Asian and South-American things Ansel has cooked up – and a vegan ice cream and nice cream bar that Nile and Marie start manning a good hour and a half into the meal, once the first of the pups are done with their burgers and hot dogs. Levi tries a bit of everything, even some of the weird things Ansel has brought over from his travels. It’s worth going through a couple of genuinely funky dishes to see the smile on the old man’s face when Levi tells him he really liked a strange cold cucumber thing.

“It’s called oi-sobagi,” the man tells him excitedly. “I learned to make it in Korea. It’s an interesting combination of spicy and refreshing, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, it’s great,” Levi says, laughing a little at how pleased Ansel feels.

He takes his throw-away plate and utensils over to the recycling bin and gets himself a couple scoops of chocolate-mint ice cream, which he eats while walking around the house and the lawn. At the front porch he runs into Hange and Moblit; he’s busy peering under the hood of their old hippie van with Nan while Hange sits on the porch swing, every now and again letting out a loud groan.

“What’s wrong with you?” Levi asks, leaning onto the railing and eating another spoonful of ice cream.

“Ate too much,” Hange explains, sitting up straighter with great effort. “It always happens. I can’t resist all the food.”

“Back home we mostly have microwave meals,” Moblit lets Levi know meekly from his spot by the car where he seems to be mainly handing tools to Nan.

“Haven’t really got the time for cooking,” Hange interjects. “There’s too much important work to be done. How’s that ice cream? Any good?”

Levi scoffs. “Shouldn’t you wait a minute?” he asks Hange. “It’s not like they’ll run out.”

“You never know,” Hange argues. “Children are greedy, and they burn off their food quickly by running around like headless chickens.”

“I’d be more worried about Erwin,” Nan chimes in, appearing from under the hood of the car, wiping her hands on a towel. “You know he can’t resist sampling all the flavors.”

“In truth “sampling” is more like it,” Hange tells Levi who laughs. “The man has the sweet tooth of Hansel and Gretel combined.”

“Who has a sweet tooth?”

They all turn to look at Erwin who has appeared from around the corner holding a cup of assorted ice and nice creams in his hand. Levi has to turn away not to laugh.

“You,” Hange says honestly, clearly not expecting Erwin to mind – and he doesn’t. “Is there anything left now that you’ve raided it?”

Erwin laughs and pokes at his ice creams. “There might have been a spoonful left of the plain banana,” he tells Hange and grins when they push up from the swing. “But more importantly, Nile and Marie have something they’d like to tell everyone.”

“No prizes for guessing what it is,” Hange says; Levi follows them down the porch steps. “But I doubt they expect anyone to act surprised anyway.”

They walk over to the back porch where Nile and Marie are standing, his arm on her shoulder. They’ve both got wide smiles on their faces and when Levi looks around, he can see the expressions mimicked on the faces of many others in the small crowd that has gathered around the porch.

“Now that everyone’s here,” Nile says, hugging Marie closer to himself for a few seconds, “we have some news we wanted to share with the pack.”

Levi’s half expecting someone to go ahead and blurt it out, but they all stay quiet, like understanding what an important moment it is for Nile and Marie and respecting it enough to let them say it.

“As you all know, Nile and I have been trying to start our own family for quite some time,” Marie continues, her voice so full of poorly held in excitement that it sends shivers down Levi’s spine, “and now we are happy to announce that we are – finally – expecting.”

They all explode in a chorus of congratulations and applause – even Levi puts down his cup of ice cream. Edith and Ansel rush over to hug them, with Erwin on their heels. From the cacophony they’re making Levi can hear Marie telling Edith she’s already past her first trimester – whatever that means.

After the announcement, everyone seems to be in an even better mood than they were before and when it’s time for the usual football game, there’s no shortage of volunteers for each team. Erwin and Mike take their picks after a coin toss – Levi’s Erwin’s first choice, and he walks over to the man excitedly, the scar on his neck burning when he takes his spot on his right side.

“Prepare to go down in flames,” Nan says from her spot beside Mike. “We’re going to crush you this year.”

“You’d have to catch me first,” Levi tells her, grinning, “and I don’t see that happening.”

Erwin laughs and gives Levi a clumsy high-five that reminds Levi again how big his hands are.

Nan’s predictions turn out to be totally wrong; her and Mike’s team loses by a wide margin, mostly due to Levi and Erwin’s teamwork that works much better than Levi thought it would. There’s not a single pass they make that the other one doesn’t catch, and Levi scores over half of the overall touchdowns with everyone left far behind, chasing after him. After the game, Erwin gives him a slap on the shoulder and Levi could swear he shudders even worse from it now than the year before.

“I feel like you should be banned from playing next year,” Nan tells him, catching her breath. “To give the rest of us a chance.”

“It’s really something to see though,” Mike says. “Watching you run.”

“I agree, it really is,” Erwin agrees, wiping his forehead on the hem of his t-shirt; Levi struggles to keep his eyes to himself when he does. “I for one am hoping to see more of it tomorrow.”

Levi scratches the scar on his neck when the heat spreading to it from his ears makes it itch, feeling suddenly even more confident about the hunt than he did before.

 

They set out before sunrise, gathering around the lodge in their fur. The smell of rain hangs in the air, bringing the rest of the scents of the forest to life when they start following Erwin down the little footpath they always use until they catch the tracks of their prey. Erwin has showed Levi his place near the head of the column, right behind Mike and Nan. They keep a good pace, warming up their muscles for running down the deer. Levi keeps sniffing the still air in the hope of being the first to catch the scent, but Mike beats him to it. It takes Levi a good half a mile to finally smell the small heard of deer they’re lazily running toward.

The second Levi spots the young fawn, his body explodes into movement, and the sudden disturbance in the undergrowth scares the deer into a panicked run. Levi keeps his eyes on the target, his tongue lolling out of his mouth when he picks up the pace, his legs filling with that good pain when he jumps over a ditch, paws slipping on wet grass when the fawn makes a sudden change of direction. It’s small and fast, agile on its long legs – but not agile enough. When Levi finally catches up to it, he clenches his jaw tight around its throat and brings it down as easily as if it were a rabbit – a testimony to how much stronger he’s grown in the space of just one year. The taste of blood makes his mouth water, but when Erwin runs over, Levi lets go of the prey at once and allows Erwin to grab it instead to walk it back over the ditch for the pack to eat – Levi gets a quick lick on his snout as a thank you from his alpha, and head bumps and appreciative sniffs from the rest of the pack as well. He’s further rewarded with a choice cut of the fawn’s innards when he joins Erwin over the corpse. He goes for the liver, tears the whole of it out and eats it with good appetite.

Mike and Erwin take down two adult deer, and Erwin calls the rest of the pack to feed on them with a howl that makes Levi shiver and his heart beat faster. He joins his voice to those of his pack, pawing the ground excitedly while he does. They arrive and the pups crowd around their meal, pestering Erwin while he’s doing his best to chew through the hide and bones so they’ll be able to tear out their chunks of meat and organs. After eating, Levi keeps the pups busy by pretending not to notice them when they sneak up on him and sink their little teeth into his tail, and then chasing them around the clearing with them barking and yelping as they run.

By the time they start heading back, Levi can feel his stomach growling already, and once they get to the hunting lodge, there’s nothing in his mind but leftover 4th of July food. His hunger makes him impatient and instead of waiting for everyone else to be done again, Levi joins the rush of the changing room, still managing to secure the corner shower even with everyone cramming into the room at the same time. He starts washing up, keeping his eyes on the tiled floor and his hands busy so he can get everything done as fast as possible – but just as he’s done cleaning the blood off his neck and chest, Levi hears Erwin calling out his name.

He turns around, expecting to see the man looking over at him but instead his eyes are firmly on Mike at the other end of the room, and Levi realizes he must’ve misheard whatever it was that Erwin said. At that moment of realization, half of Levi’s mind decides firmly to return to staring at the floor to keep from seeing more of the man than his naked, broad shoulders – and even that is enough to make his mouth feel dry and numb. But the other half of his brain keeps his head still, keeps his eyes moving down over Erwin’s body, toward the thing he can already see at the edge of his vision as a blurry mess of skin. Against his own better judgment, Levi lets his gaze keep dropping for just a second, onto the edge of the hair that’s still visibly blond, but made darker by the water, and the flaccid cock nestled within it, smaller than Levi expected but still impressive – but different. Different from any Levi’s seen before. Different from his own.

Uncut.

It takes his brain a split second to start rewriting every secret daydream scenario he’s ever had of Erwin to factor in this new information. He turns quickly back to staring at the floor, whatever corner of his mind that’s not busy re-programming his fantasies reeling with fear of someone having caught him staring. He washes up the rest of his body at top speed, pulling on all his clothes in a mad rush and running back to the house through the rain that’s now pouring, bringing the low rumble of thunder with it. At the house Levi runs up to his room, having forgotten all about his earlier hunger. It takes a good hour for it to come knocking again; by then Levi has managed to calm down but when he runs into Erwin in the kitchen, the scar on his neck starts tingling so badly it feels like someone has poured a bucketful of ants over the skin.

“Great job with the fawn,” Erwin tells him, obviously confused when Levi replies with barely a grunt of a thank you before making himself a coleslaw wrap and running back up to his room again.

 

It takes until the weekend for the weather to turn again, and the lack of air conditioning drives Levi back out to the lake. He invites Farlan to join, and on their way through the woods they ask Isabel to tag along too; she seems to need a break from the pups. They unfold a large quilt onto the grass and lie down on it, enjoying both the heat of the sun and the cool embrace of the water in equal measure.

“Did you guys know that animal agriculture is responsible for 51% of greenhouse gas emissions?” Levi asks the two of them during a quiet moment; he’s been helping Erwin with his studies again, though the odd mixture of feelings between them has been nearly unbearable. “And most of the stuff they send up there is like, a hundred times worse than CO2?”

On his right, Isabel says yes while Farlan lets out a loud groan.

“Can we talk about something more cheerful?” he asks, sighing and adjusting the sunglasses on his face. “You know. Other than the whole planet dying.”

“Fine,” Levi agrees, but in a few minutes Farlan speaks up again.

“I have to admit though, this heatwave is making me nervous,” he says grimly. “It’s the hottest year on the planet again. I don’t even know how many years in a row that makes.”

“You’ve been helping Erwin with that stuff, haven’t you?” Isabel asks Levi, turning to stare at the clouds after she’s seen him nod. “Yeah, he’s always raving about that. Nan says one day it’ll stress him out so bad that a vein in his head will explode.”

Levi snorts. He wouldn’t be too surprised. The man is so tense when he’s reading through the studies that it’s almost painful to be around him.

They all look up from their spot in the sun when a car drives over along the trail and parks by the shed. Levi’s not sure why, but he’s surprised to see Flagon getting out, holding a towel and disappearing into the shed to change his clothes after a quick nod of hello to all of them. They lie back down, none of them looking up or saying anything when the man walks past them and into the lake.

“I’m going for a swim,” Farlan announces less than a minute later.

“What do you reckon that’s about?” Isabel asks, peering over her sunglasses and looking over at Farlan and Flagon who are standing waist deep in the lake, facing each other and talking.

“Do you really have to ask?” Levi points out and Isabel cackles when she lies back down on the quilt.

They hitch a ride with Flagon back to the house and Farlan takes off soon after; Levi doesn’t ask him what’s up with the two of them, deciding it best to let Farlan come to him with whatever it is he wants to say about it. He’s also more than a little nervous about saying something hurtful – though he supposes Flagon can’t be worse for Farlan than Brad Pullman. The man might be weird and dry as dirt, but he has to know Erwin would skin him alive if he did anything inappropriate and creepy with anyone.

It still amazes Levi how Erwin himself doesn’t seem to be in any way aware of the creepy and inappropriate shit going on in his mind with how often his thoughts wander and he forgets to snap out of staring at Erwin’s face while they work together. It’s bearable while they just sit in the man’s office, but one weekend he asks Levi to help him fix up the apartment in town, and just the idea makes Levi nauseous with excitement. The whole two days turn out to be a long, losing battle of Levi trying to keep his eyes off Erwin’s arms and the dark stains growing under them on his shirt while he’s standing on a ladder, pulling skirting boards off the walls with a crowbar in the stuffy, increasingly hot apartment. Levi focuses on the cleaning, though a couple of times he helps Erwin move some building stuff or a piece of heavy furniture, sweating through his clothes from the heat and the effort. They spend most of the second day painting the walls and the frames of doors and windows, staying until close to midnight so Erwin can finish fixing new lamps onto the ceiling.

“Hey Levi,” he says, poking at the space between the lamp and the ceiling with a screwdriver. “You want to hear a joke?”

“Sure,” Levi says and snorts; they’ve kept mostly quiet, and Levi’s gotten the sense again that Erwin doesn’t know what to say to him.

“Okay. Here goes,” Erwin says, and Levi scoffs already. “God said, ‘Let there be light.’ The devil said, ‘Let there be darkness.’ And Saint Peter said…”

The man’s words trail off when he stops to laugh quietly under his breath before he manages to deliver the punchline.

“Quit playing with the goddamn lights already!”

Levi nearly loses his grip on the ladder from how hard he’s laughing and Erwin needs to take another break from his work before he can keep his hands still enough to continue. They’re both still chuckling here and there when they pack up all the things in the car and start driving back over to the house. Once they’re within sight of it, Erwin suddenly turns to Levi.

“Do you want to go over to the lake for a quick swim?”

“Fuck yes,” Levi huffs, pushing back his sweat-soaked hair and smiling when Erwin keeps on driving past the porch toward the forest.

They undress down to their underwear, leaving the rest of their clothes onto the car seats. The night is alive with sounds, with quiet rustlings and insects chirring and buzzing in the tall grass. Erwin leaves the headlights on so they’ll see where they’re going; the light bounces off his bare thighs and makes Levi’s throat feel tight. He follows the man into the lake, sighing heavily when he plunges his body into the cool water that seems to cleanse him in a way that goes beyond his body and his stained and clammy skin.

“I’m going to miss this when I go,” Erwin says, gathering water into his cupped hands and splashing it over his face. “The hotel gym has a pool but it’s not really the same as this.”

“When are you going?” Levi asks him, moving his limbs lazily in the water to keep himself afloat.

“Tomorrow morning,” Erwin tells him, sighing. “I won’t be back until the weekend.”

They fall quiet, and Levi’s focus shifts to the sounds of the insects and the starry sky above – and the sudden tightness he feels in his chest at the thought of Erwin leaving, if even for a week. It seems stupid to be upset about something like that. It’s not as if they’re any more special to one another than to anyone else in the pack.

“You know, Levi,” Erwin suddenly says, staring up at the sky even when Levi turns to look at him. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

Levi doesn’t speak; he can’t. His heart is suddenly beating faster, like responding to something threatening. Fight or flight. It all depends on Erwin’s next words.

“Back when I gave you your bite,” the man starts, and Levi’s breath catches in his throat. “I didn’t just do it because you kept crossing the border. I did it because I thought you and I were…”

“Compatible,” Levi finishes for Erwin when it seems he can’t get the word out. He turns to look at Levi in surprise. “I know. Isabel told me.”

“When?”

“Back about a year ago,” Levi confesses, feeling guilty until Erwin lets out a breathy laugh.

“You know, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable,” he tells Levi, so remorseful that the sharpness of the emotion makes Levi ache. “I really wish I haven’t made you feel unpleasant or threatened because of what I did.”

“You haven’t,” Levi lets him know, hoping the honesty comes through in the words. “And anyway, it wasn’t really your fault. I mean, it was just an accident. A mistake. Right?”

Levi keeps holding his breath when Erwin meets his gaze, keeps waiting for the confirmation, for a flash of anything other than doubt and sadness in Erwin’s eyes.

“We should head back,” the man finally says and starts swimming back towards the shore.

When he glances up at the night sky one more time, Levi can’t help feeling like there was more empty space in Erwin’s last words than there is between all the stars above him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter turned out hella long, so I'm cutting it in half. Here is the first part. The second part, which is also the last chapter of Pack, will most likely be posted some time next week.

The door opens soundlessly when Levi pushes it, and he doesn’t quite know why he expected it to creak. He holds his breath without realizing it when he steps inside; it escapes only when he has shut the door as quietly and slowly as he opened it. He stops to listen for footsteps in the hallway or noises carrying in from outside, looking around himself while he listens and trying to fuse together his expectations and what he now sees.

Despite the sunlight streaming in through the two large windows, the room looks darker than the office Levi walked through to get to it; cozier, like a place you’d want to stay in during a snowstorm. The floor is made of dark, wide planks of wood, and the deep, earthy color carries over to the simple but high-quality furniture: a bedframe, plain but sturdy, a chest of drawers, a pair of nightstands. All of it looks old but well-kept, like it was handmade by a simple carpenter a hundred years ago and has been cherished for all this time. A small, wood-burning heater sits in the corner, and Levi thinks it suits the room better than a normal fireplace.

The walls are plain white, accentuating the dark wooden skirting boards, the beams crisscrossing against the slated ceiling, and the artwork that’s been hung on the walls that takes Levi by surprise since he never thought to imagine it: a large, old-timey map of the world above the bed, framed drawings of plants with little cursive scribbles naming their parts and properties. The dull and age-dimmed shades of green grow brighter on the bedding and the curtains, and even on the patterning of the solitary rug on the floor by the foot of the bed and the small armchair by the dresser, the top of which is full of plants, like a small garden inside the room, pots of ivy hanging by both of the windows.

The air is sweet – if a little dusty – and cooler than the rest of the house. Even after five days of the man being away, everything in the room smells of Erwin; his skin, his hair, faint traces of his sweat that Levi catches when he walks over to the bed to test the soft fabric of the covers with his hand. Erwin sleeps on the left side, farther from the windows; Levi can tell from the assortment of things on the nightstand: an empty glass, a box of tissues, a paperback book with a balding man with a buzzcut hiding his face with his arms on the cover. Levi wishes he could pick it up and flip through it, but thinks of the traces it would leave and turns away instead. He crosses the room quickly to glance into the bathroom – clean, white and grey surfaces, a small window on the back wall, a large mirror over a double sink counter with a couple smudges of toothpaste on it. No jacuzzi, but a bathtub under the window and a shower behind sliding doors to the left of the entrance; when Levi peers in, he’s not surprised to see one of those big, rainfall showerheads.

When he walks back out into the bedroom, Levi takes a seat in the armchair and breathes. It’s so quiet, so cool and calm, like the heatwave scorching the grass outside has been barred entry; an oasis; a sanctuary. He expected something fancier and more obnoxious, but now that he sees the modest, pleasant simplicity, Levi can’t say why; it’s not the pack’s style, not Erwin’s style, and now a thought like that feels like a remnant of who he was in the trailer park. He can picture the man here, stretching his back after sitting down too long at his desk, taking off his shirt and throwing it into a hamper in the walk-in closet, undressing fully before pulling on a pair of pajama bottoms and walking barefoot into the bathroom to take a piss and brush his teeth. Levi can picture him shaving in the morning, his wet hair still falling onto his forehead when he hangs the towel up to dry in the bathroom before crossing the room to get dressed for the day. Everything there suits him, from the dark green and brown against the white to the quiet solitude of the atmosphere, and Levi can’t deny that the man deserves a place as nice as this for himself for how hard he works for all of them.

The faint sound of footsteps startles Levi onto his feet and he slips back out into the office in a rush, walking quickly to his little workstation by the printer. By the time Mike walks into the room, Levi’s holding a stack of post-its in his hand, and seeing them the man doesn’t even ask him what he’s doing there.

“I thought I’d go and give Nan a hand in the garden in a minute,” Levi tells him when he sits down on Erwin’s seat behind the desk; it doesn’t look right to Levi. “She still at the greenhouses?”

“She was half an hour ago,” Mike says, checking Erwin’s work phone quickly before turning to the laptop to switch it on. “She said she was going to pick the               

kale after that, so if you can’t find her, you should look there next.”

“Sure,” Levi states and leaves the office, his mind still full of the scent and feel of Erwin’s bedroom when he steps outside nearly half an hour later.

He finds Nan in the kale patch when he rides over on the dirt bike, filling up a second small crate with the dark green leaves she pulls off the plants. Levi joins her and gives her a hand, grateful that Edith told him to put on an old baseball cap when the sun starts burning his neck. Nan is sweating just as badly under her wide-brimmed hat, and after only twenty minutes of working, Levi joins her on a break, taking large, eager gulps out of a bottle of water; it’s not as cold as he wished it would be.

“Poor Mike,” Nan says, looking over towards the house. “I hate it when Erwin leaves. I hate seeing Mike stuck indoors like this.”

Levi grunts a reply that’s neither here nor there. “It’s only for a couple more days, right?” Levi asks Nan who nods absently.

“Yeah,” she mutters, passing Levi the bottle. “Just till Sunday.”

Levi takes another swig of the water. It’s been weird seeing Mike in the office and inside the house, talking on Erwin’s phone and carrying his keys – and to Levi it has seemed like the man’s been as uncomfortable about it as he himself has. And even beyond that things have felt strange, like there’s been a constant itch Levi’s not been able to scratch; an annoying inconvenience on top of the strange lethargy that has taken over him in the past couple of days. He knows it’s most likely what drove him to snoop around Erwin’s bedroom like a creep, though he’s not planning on giving it a whole lot of thought or questioning his own motives.

He keeps helping Nan out for a good few hours even though he’d rather just go back to the house and lie in bed doing nothing. They move over to the orchard and later Levi helps her carry the crates of fruit and vegetables into the kitchen with Mike. They pile them onto the counters and the kitchen island, sitting down for glasses of cold iced tea while Ansel and Edith empty them into the pantry and the refrigerators, dancing around each other and occasionally pausing for a quick smooch and a giggle.

Nile and Marie make a surprise appearance at dinner and while everyone’s busy cooing over Marie’s swollen belly, Levi takes the opportunity to cut in line and get his enchiladas right after the pups do. He takes a seat next to Isabel and though he was hungry when he sat down, after a couple of mouthfuls he finds himself pushing the food around his plate unenthusiastically.

“What’s up with you?” Isabel asks him after a while, her mouth full of beans and taco sauce. “Don’t you like it? ‘Cause I can eat yours too if you’re not going to.”

“Guess I’m just not as hungry as I thought,” Levi mutters, still holding onto his plate when Isabel tries to grab it. “Doesn’t mean I’m not going to eat, so keep your hands to yourself.”

All through the dinner the empty spot at the head of the table keeps catching his eye and distracting him even further from his food – a thing that doesn’t escape Edith’s notice, though Levi’s glad she waits until they’re alone in the kitchen before bringing it up and asking Levi if he’s alright.

“I don’t know,” he admits, frowning when he finishes rinsing a plate and hands it to her. “Just tired I guess.”

“You’re not nervous about school starting again soon, are you?” Edith asks him, sounding more worried than Levi thinks she should. “Because I know it must be a big step, going back after taking a year off, but I also know you’re so much better prepared now than you were a year ago, and I _know_ you’ll do amazing things with your–”

“No, it’s not that,” Levi interrupts her to keep her from going on with the praise that makes him feel uncomfortably warm. “I don’t know. It’s probably just the weather.”

“You should drink more water,” Edith tells him at once, handing him a tall glass from the cupboard. “If you’re feeling tired, you should go and lie down.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll do that,” Levi says, rubbing the scarred skin on his neck for a second before turning back to the sink and filling the glass. “Are you going to be okay with all the–”

“I’ll find someone else to help me, don’t worry,” Edith says, hugging him onto her body for a few seconds before letting go. “You run on upstairs and have a rest.”

Levi leaves her with the dishes and drags himself up to his room where he falls down onto the bed, limbs stone-heavy, a lukewarm evening breeze cutting through the stuffy air and brushing past his face before he presses it into the pillows and groans. His phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out; a notification from a game, but he’s also got two messages from Farlan. Levi reads them quickly before dialing his number; it takes him uncharacteristically long to pick up.

“You want to come over tomorrow and hang out?” Levi asks him, his words coming out in a lazy string. “Could go to the lake or something.”

“Sure. Sounds great,” Farlan agrees quickly, voice low and his words a little rushed. “I’ll come by after lunch. Okay?”

“Yeah, that sounds–”

“Okay, cool. Bye,” Farlan says, hanging up the phone so fast Levi doesn’t get another word in.

He stares at his phone for a few seconds before scoffing and putting it down on his nightstand. He’s too tired to even start guessing at what’s up with Farlan – hell, he’ll be lucky if he remembers any of this tomorrow. Levi sighs heavily and reaches over to grab his glass of water, drinking half of it before falling down on his back. He pushes his hand into his shorts and underwear but does nothing further, too tired even for a quick wank, though being anywhere near his junk makes him think of Erwin – Erwin in his bedroom, sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard, reading through the studies Levi organized for him. Watering his plants. Sitting in his armchair, breathing heavily and catching a moment of rest after his early morning run.

Levi turns over on the bed, facing the wall and drawing his knees close to his chest. He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but ends up waking in the middle of the night, still dressed in his shorts and t-shirt and socks, sweat gluing his hair onto his forehead. He sits up in his bed, pulling his socks off his feet before standing up and emptying the glass of water; it doesn’t satisfy his thirst. He walks over to the window and opens it, leaning his head out in the hope of catching a cool breeze, but the night air is still and humid, full of the muted sounds of insects and whispers of thunder in the distance. Levi can smell the rain rolling in from across the woods, where it’s no doubt falling over the trailer park, turning the ground to mud and making the tin roof of the house sing.

There’s something about the scent of damp grass that reminds Levi of the night before Erwin left, of their swim in the lake and the words they said – and didn’t say. The memory has been coming back to him all week, always at quiet moments like this when he’s not distracting himself from it, and the confusion it brings with it. He’s been mulling over Erwin’s words, trying to decipher them and make sense of the message within, trying to draw the line between reading between the lines and reading into things; between understanding and wishful thinking. He’s not an idiot, and he’s not under any illusions about what he’s like and whether he’s someone people would usually find attractive or want to spend time with – especially people like Erwin who could have literally anyone they wanted – but no matter how much he tries to take it into consideration and not get his hopes up, he comes back to it every time: that Erwin didn’t say he claimed Levi by mistake. He refused to say it, left a century’s worth of silence between Levi’s statement and his own response, like he wanted to agree but couldn’t bring himself to.

It’s an uncomfortable thought, somehow; it makes Levi’s heart skip too many beats in a row, makes his breath hitch in his throat and his skin tingle. It feels stupid to even think it, that Erwin claimed him for a reason, because something in Levi’s scent caught his interest – maybe still catches it now, despite all that ugliness that went down at the start of all this. And still, what else is he supposed to think about it? Some part of him wishes now that he had had the nerve to ask Erwin about it during their drive back from the lake that night, but he was too confused to get any words out, could barely grunt a reply to Erwin wishing him good night – and by the time he woke up the next morning, Erwin was gone.

Levi draws one last deep breath and closes the window, undressing down to his underwear and getting back to bed, though he doesn’t feel tired. He switches on the lamp on the bedside table and finishes the last book on his summer reading list before falling asleep at sunrise when the thunder and rain have finally passed. He doesn’t wake up for breakfast and only manages to drag himself downstairs for lunch, half expecting someone to scold him for laziness – but he should’ve known Edith would be zero judgment, full concern.

“You feeling any better, little one?” she fusses, sitting down next to Levi with her vegetable soup and kale salad and trying his forehead.

“Yeah,” he assures her quickly. “Just slept weird, that’s all.”

“Did the thunder wake you up?” she asks him, passing him the salad dressing when he asks for it and nodding when he shrugs. “Do have plans for the day? Maybe you should stay indoors and rest some more.”

“I’m going to the lake with Farlan,” Levi tells her, “but we’ll probably not be doing much anything.”

“Well that doesn’t sound too strenuous,” Edith says, smiling. “Just remember to drink plenty of water and cool down if you get too hot. And wear a hat.”

“I’m not one of the pups you know,” Levi mutters.

 

They’re halfway to the lake before Levi realizes he didn’t remember to take a hat, but after a quick swim, the sun doesn’t feel too hot anymore and the soft breeze blowing across the lake raises goosebumps onto his wet skin. He lies down in the grass next to Farlan and lifts his arm over his eyes to shield them from the sun.

“You sounded weird on the phone yesterday,” Levi mentions to Farlan, repeating his words when they don’t seem to register the first time. “Something up?”

“No, I was just…” Farlan says, his words trailing off for a moment before he laughs quietly. “I don’t know. I think I was kind of on a date?”

“On a date?”

“Maybe,” Farlan hurries to add. “I’m not really sure if it was a date or not.”

“How can you not be sure if it was a date or not?” Levi asks him, frowning. “I mean, don’t you generally know?”

“It was kind of…” Farlan starts again, pausing to think for the right word. “Spontaneous, I guess? I ran into him in town and we ended up having frappuccinos. I’m not sure what to call that.”

“Was it with Brad?” Levi asks, nearly making Farlan choke on the large gulp of water he’s just taken.

“No!” he protests once he’s regained control of his lungs. “You think I’d go on a date with Brad?”

“I don’t know how desperate you are,” Levi comments, laughing when he sees the unimpressed look Farlan gives him. “Who was it then?”

Farlan falls quiet, and Levi can sense the apprehension and embarrassment coming off him. He’s half expecting him to say it was some random guy he met for the first time, or some thirty-something man he found on Grindr, and when Farlan speaks the name, Levi doesn’t know if he should be weirded out or relieved – and in all honesty, when he thinks about it, he knows he should not be surprised.

“You went out with Flagon,” he repeats, trying to keep his voice at a respectful monotone not to make Farlan feel more embarrassed than he already does.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he says and sighs. “I know he’s like… a lot older than me. But we actually had a really good time.”

“Okay,” Levi replies, still watching his tone but unable to keep from blurting out, “How?”

“I don’t know,” Farlan tells him and shrugs. “We talked, walked around town. We’ve got things in common, we like some of the same stuff. I don’t know. He was like… polite, and nice. Not at all a massive creep – and I’ve seen a couple of those by now.”

“What kind of stuff do you have in common?” Levi asks, and Farlan shrugs again.

“I don’t know,” he says. “We both like old movies, we love to cook, I like the kind of music he grew up listening to… You know. Stuff.”

“So he wasn’t super boring and talking about taxes and shit the whole time?”

“No?” Farlan says and shakes his head, frowning. “Why would you think he’d be talking about taxes?”

“I don’t know,” Levi says, shrugging. “He seems the type.”

“No one talks about taxes, Levi,” Farlan tells him, sounding a little exasperated. “Just because he’s older doesn’t have to mean he’s boring.”

“So are you going to see him again?”

Farlan stays quiet for a couple of seconds and then smiles. “I think so. I had a good time.”

“Won’t your parents freak out if they find out?” Levi asks him, cringing a little when he feels Farlan’s apprehension.

“Probably,” he admits. “But it’s my life, not theirs. And honestly, I’m just so glad to have finally found someone who doesn’t open a conversation by asking me if he can call my butthole my boy pussy.”

Levi screws up his face and shudders. “The fuck?”

“Oh yeah,” Farlan tells him and sighs. “I’ve had a couple of those. Also it’s just nice to meet someone mature who doesn’t instantly tell me I look young for my age, with a wink emoji.”

Levi grits his teeth and swears. “Yeah, I guess compared to that, Flagon doesn’t seem too bad.”

“And it’s not even that he seems nice compared to guys like that,” Farlan says, adjusting his sunglasses and pushing his hair off his forehead. “He is nice. Really.”

“I guess I’m glad you had a good time then,” Levi states, but shakes his head a little; it’s a weird image, Flagon and Farlan sitting in a café, sharing a frappuccino. “Just… if he starts acting weird or anything, let me know. Okay?”

“You worry too much,” Farlan tells him, leaning his head against his arm and sighing.

They stay by the lake for a couple of hours, walking back to the house for dinner – Levi’s a little relieved when he can’t spot Flagon in the line. Farlan gets into a long conversation about Vietnamese food with Ansel after asking for the recipe to his homemade vegan pho. After dinner they go up to Levi’s room and he finally remembers to give Farlan his graduation present – a vintage record player with built-in speakers that cost him an arm and a leg and had him saving his allowance for months, and a few mint-condition Michael Jackson vinyls he found at the thrift store. When Farlan excitedly tells him it’s his favorite graduation gift, Levi grins and laughs.

“Maybe now you’ll shut up about wanting one,” he mutters, flinching when Farlan pokes him in the ribs with his elbow.

“Seriously,” Farlan says, pulling Levi into a quick hug that makes him feel uncomfortable. “Thanks so much. I love it.”

Levi gestures with his hand to dismiss the comment when they break apart though he’s glad he was able to find something Farlan really likes. It’s not the first time Levi’s bought him something, but a lot of the time he’s been the one opening presents from Farlan with nothing to give back other than a meek thank you.

After Farlan leaves, the same tired heaviness that he felt before creeps back into Levi’s body and he goes up to his room to lie down on his bed and to listen to music on his CD player. He thinks about what Farlan told him about him and Flagon, how despite the age difference the two of them have things in common, and he can’t help his thoughts shifting to Erwin. If the man still thinks they’re compatible, if he still feels it, does it matter that they’re at dissimilar stages in their lives? Does it matter that they have next to nothing in common? Not that anything Erwin’s ever done or said has been a sign that he wants anything from Levi, that he wants anything _with_ him – but isn’t that what compatibility means? That you want to be with the person, to spend time with them, to be close to them, no matter what?

Though how the hell should he know. It’s not as if he feels that for Erwin – or felt it before, at least. He does like being near the man, doing things with him, but who’s to say that’s got anything to do with compatibility? If they really were compatible, wouldn’t Levi have felt it himself when they met that first time? Wouldn’t he have been able to tell back when he first caught Erwin’s scent at the border, like Erwin did with him? And the man said it himself back when Levi came to the pack – that he made a mistake, that he misread the situation. Why did he say that back then but refuse to state it again now unless his opinion had changed? Could it all just be because Levi’s eighteen now and no longer a minor? Could that explain the change in Erwin’s behavior?

All the questions haunting him make Levi sleep restlessly and wake up nervous the following morning, not knowing how to face Erwin when he comes back. Should he bring up that moment at the lake? Would Erwin bring it up himself? Would he shoot Levi down on the spot if he brought it up and tell him they should both just forget it ever happened? He goes for a run after lunch to try and clear his head and get a moment of peace from the thoughts buzzing in his skull, but even the trail he jogs along reminds him of Erwin, and by the time he sits down for dinner with the rest of the pack, he’s as nervous and distracted as he was when he woke up. When Nan raises her voice to ask Edith when Erwin will be getting back, Levi flinches badly enough to spill some water onto his lap.

“He should be back any minute now,” Edith tells Nan, making Levi’s heart hammer in his chest.

And when he finally hears the front door opening and closing, Levi could swear his heart stops for a full three seconds before racing to catch up to the missed beats as soon as Erwin walks into the dining room. Several of the pups leave their seats to go greet him and he picks Armin up for a fleeting moment before greeting everyone, smiling widely, his whole body somehow more relaxed than it was before he left. Levi keeps stealing glances at him, shivering from the goosebumps spreading over his body from the scar on his neck; it’s uncomfortable, like something dark and confusing has taken over the nervous excitement he felt before.

He answers Erwin’s greeting with a quick frown-laced nod before turning back to picking at his kale salad with his fork, his mouth suddenly too dry for him to get any of it down. Something doesn’t feel right. There’s a heaviness in the pit of his stomach whenever he looks at Erwin, a shudder runs down his spine whenever he catches his scent that’s now laced with so many strange things; the hotel lobby, unfamiliar bedsheets, strangers, other alphas… It makes Levi’s head spin, he keeps drawing in deep breaths despite himself, like something within him is looking for something, for the source for his own discomfort in the mess of smells Erwin has brought back with him. Some part of his mind wonders if he’s looking for Kenny’s scent, a confirmation that his uncle showed up for the conference for the first time now – but when he finally catches it, Levi feels stupid for ever thinking it could be anything else.

It’s almost buried underneath a hundred other scents, a tangy but sweet fragrance, something earthy and dark buried underneath that first impression of a woman. Drawing another breath, Levi can tell things about her that he never wanted to know: that she’s in her early thirties, tall and healthy; from somewhere far away, much further south; that she likes red wine. That she’s an alpha; respected, powerful. That she knows what she wants and that she usually gets it. That she certainly did, this time.

For the first time since Erwin gave it to him, the scar on Levi’s neck feels cold, like it’s radiating the same icy rage that fills Levi’s body and makes his anger sit, heavy and painful, underneath his lungs. It bars his breathing, makes him feel sick and dizzy, makes him nearly stumble over the legs of his chair when he gets up and leaves the room. He hears Edith and Ansel both calling after him but he doesn’t turn to reply, can’t face anyone, can’t rip a single sound out of his throat that feels like it’s threatening to close up any second. He rushes upstairs and locks the door to his room behind himself, running to the window to throw it open, trying to catch a breath; but his lungs don’t seem to work, the muscles in his chest won’t give them room, and all he manages are shallow gasps that barely keep him from passing out on the floor.

Levi falls onto his knees and presses his forehead against the windowsill, barely hearing the knocking on his door that keeps growing more frantic the longer it goes on. He takes a breath, a little deeper than the one before; then another, deeper again. There’s not enough air in the room, there’s not enough room in his body from the pain twisting his insides. He can’t unclench his jaw. He can’t feel his hands. He can’t understand the words someone’s saying on the other side of the door – is one of them his name? Three things fill his mind and leave no space for anything else: the need to breathe; the image of the female alpha; the need to get out of the house, out of Erwin’s house, to be anywhere else but here.

He gets to his feet and walks back to the door; it flies open as soon as he unlocks it, letting in Edith with a flood of questions that Levi still struggles to understand. Is he alright? Is he not feeling well? But there’s no reply he can give.

“I need some air,” he says, pushing past Edith and running down the stairs and out the front door.

He doesn’t stop until he’s in the middle of the woods, far from Erwin’s jogging trail, far from any scent marks he might have left behind. There he lies down on the soft moss of the undergrowth, skin sweaty and lungs near collapse, gasping for breath. He closes his eyes and opens them again, not knowing which is worse, being stuck in the dark with all his thoughts or being reminded that he exists, that he’s alive with all this pain and anger raging inside him.

Levi doesn’t know how long a time he spends there, trying to hear the wind in the trees and feel the spiders and flies crawling on his numb skin, his thoughts turning darker and more desperate the longer he waits for them to pass. He’s never felt more stupid, never felt more like a complete fucking idiot, not even that first moment when Erwin looked at him and felt instantly repulsed by the sight of him. How could Levi have ever thought that that would change, that Erwin would ever look at him in any other way than that? How could he have ever considered for a fucking second that Erwin wouldn’t find him every bit as childish, every bit as disgusting for crossing the border? How could he have let himself think that Erwin had grown out of thinking of that night as the worst mistake he ever made, of Levi as a constant reminder of it, of his own worst disappointment?

Fucking prize idiot. Fucking stupid worthless piece of shit. Never done anything right in his life, only fucked everything up for himself and everyone else. No wonder no one wants him. No wonder Kenny tried to get rid of him before he was even born, he must’ve known somehow that he’d never be good for anything, never be good enough for anyone. At least his mother had the good sense to die rather than look after him and watch him grow up to be such a fucking idiot, such a massive incurable screw-up that she would’ve learned to hate and despise him along with everyone else.

Better that she did. One less person to disappoint.

It gets dark, the stars come out over the tops of the trees and a damp chill starts seeping into Levi’s limbs through his clothes. He doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t want to go back to the house, doesn’t want to see or smell or hear Erwin ever again. He wishes he could curl up right there on the forest floor and stay, for days and days with no one trying to find him, with no one remembering that he even exists; but he knows if he doesn’t get back to the house for the night, Edith is likely to send out a search party led by Erwin. It’s the last thing Levi wants, so he makes his way back, feeling more nauseous after each step, his mind separating the things he’s bought for himself from the things that have been bought for him so he’ll know what to pack with him and what to leave behind when he finally takes off. The full tank of his dirt bike is the only reassuring thought Levi can think of.

He runs into Edith on the porch; she’s sitting in the swing, wrapped in a quilt and she rushes to her feet as soon as she sees him approaching. He doesn’t look up to meet her eyes, doesn’t stop to talk to her or explain his behavior beyond a quick “I’m fine. Just tired.” even though she asks him where he’s been and whether he’s alright. Instead Levi walks straight up the stairs to his room and pulls his backpack out of his closet and filling it with the few items of clothing he paid for himself. He takes whatever’s left of his allowance out of his wallet, leaving only enough for a refill for his dirt bike and placing the rest into the drawer of his nightstand along with his phone. He doesn’t want to take it. Like through some instinct Levi knows that if he goes, he doesn’t want to owe anyone anything; he doesn’t want to be found.

He sleeps restlessly, the plan for leaving the pack keeps coming up in the night at moments when he’s not sure if he’s asleep or awake, like his brain is trying to figure out what to do, how to go about it. When he can no longer pretend to be getting any more sleep, Levi sits up in his bed, the soles of his feet pressed against the cool wooden floor. He looks around the room, suddenly remembering how he reorganized the furniture, how Edith asked him if he wanted some new curtains, how she lay her hand on his shoulder back when he’d gotten his rabies shot. All of it is enough to make him reconsider, to the point where he almost grabs the backpack in the closet to empty it back onto the shelves.

Instead he gets dressed and walks downstairs for breakfast, trying to steel himself the whole way down the stairs, to calm the swirling nausea in the pit of his stomach that turns into the heat of anger as soon as he sees Erwin standing by the coffee maker with his stupid keep-warm cup. When the man walks over to him, Levi grits his teeth and keeps staring out the window without giving any sort of answer to Erwin wishing him good morning. The pain in his chest is barring his breath again.

“I was looking for you yesterday but I couldn’t find you,” the man tells him, a hint of confusion and concern underneath the otherwise polite tone of his voice. “I just wanted to say thank you again for helping me with the presentation. It went over very well.”

Levi nods but doesn’t speak. Whenever he takes a labored breath, he can smell Erwin’s scent – back to normal now, but somehow it serves as a painful reminder regardless. When Ansel joins the conversation with further questions about the presentation, Levi takes the opportunity to slip past Erwin and over to the fridge; when he opens it, he realizes there’s nothing in the world he’d be happy to eat right then. In the end he grabs a container of pineapple chunks and starts eating, barely able to keep them down when Erwin goes on speaking.

“Well, you know everyone local’s a bit exasperated with it by now,” he tells Ansel, laughing a little sheepishly, “but we had some visitors from California who seemed extremely interested.”

California. Figures the bitch would be from there.

“I’ve heard there’s a lot of interest in the environment over there,” Ansel agrees; Levi barely hears him say it from how badly his ears are ringing. “It’s good you were able to offer them some tips.”

Levi feels all the anger pooled at the pit of his stomach threatening to push acid up to his throat, and he leaves the room in a hurry, walking out the main door hoping that the fresh, misty air will settle his mind and his stomach. He makes his way to the hunting lodge, thinking of going in and sitting under a cold shower to make the world grow quiet, to make his body louder than his mind, but he’s barely gotten there when he sees Ansel approaching across the grounds. Levi slips quickly into his fur and takes off in a run, leaving behind their usual hunting grounds and heading towards the farthest border. He catches a rabbit when he gets hungry, lets the forest grow alive with scents and sounds under the steady drizzle he seeks shelter from under the low hanging branches of a lush young spruce.

There he lies, in his little wood-formed cave, and lets the wolf take over his mind with its simple thoughts and wants and needs; but even that side of him is in pain, has perhaps never not been ever since that first rejection; like every ounce of his being has always known that anything Erwin has said or done since then has been a poorly constructed pretense to hide his true feelings. He thinks again about leaving, about going lone wolf, but in this form it feels even worse than it did that morning. And still he keeps going over the plan in his mind: go back to the house, wait until he’s sure Edith has gone to bed and sneak down the stairs, hop onto his dirt bike and never look back. The thought feels like freedom and like a jail sentence at the same time – but still better than feeling like this, than living under Erwin’s roof, knowing that he’s no one to Erwin. That he belongs nowhere. That he’s not important to anyone.

He stays in his hideout until it gets dark, falling asleep for a couple of hours to the sound of raindrops drumming against leaves and falling into the little puddles that form on the forest floor. He doesn’t know what time it is when he makes his way back to the house from the hunting lodge, feeling like he should’ve made up his mind about leaving by now, but he’s not surprised to find Edith on the porch, arms folded over her chest, her thick brows drawn to a concerned frown that reminds Levi of Erwin as soon as he glances up at her face. Her questions about where Levi’s been and whether he’s alright serve as sharp reminders that no one can know how he feels, and no one can know why he feels it, least of all Edith.

“I’m fine,” Levi lies, knowing if he’s going to do it, he’ll need to throw her off the tracks right then and there. “Just needed some space. Wanted to be alone for a while.”

“Well that’s okay,” she says, stroking his arm and making him shudder. “It’s okay to want to be alone every once in a while. But I hope you know you can always–”

“I know,” Levi interrupts her not to hear the rest of her bullshit sentiment. “I’m tired. I want to go to sleep.”

“Okay,” Edith says, still sounding confused and concerned but stepping backwards to open the door to let Levi through. “Are you hungry? I could make–”

“No,” Levi says. “I just want to sleep.”

“Alright,” she whispers, stroking his arm again when he passes by her in the mudroom. “You go get some rest and we’ll see about some breakfast in the morning. Okay?”

Levi nods, his body aching from the realization that they’ll never share a cup of tea together again when he walks up the stairs to his room. Others follow that first thought: no more hanging out with Isabel and the pups, no more midnight snacks with Ansel. No work-outs with Nan and Mike. No more holidays, or pack barbecues, football games and hunts.

Not a single minute more spent in Erwin’s office. Not a single more lie he’ll need to hear from the man, about how he wants Levi in his pack, about how he thinks they’re compatible when clearly they couldn’t be further from that if they fucking tried.

He sits down on his bed, keeps glancing up at the alarm clock on the nightstand to try and determine how long he should wait, how long it will take Edith to fall asleep. At quarter past three, after his right foot has been drumming an anxious rhythm against the floor for a good forty-five minutes, Levi gets up and walks over to the closet. He grabs the backpack and swings it onto his shoulder, turning around one last time at the door before stepping through into the hallway, walking down the stairs and out of the front door. He walks his dirt bike down the first half mile of road before starting the engine and speeding off, turning away from his home town and towards the nearest city as soon as he can.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story continues in part three of the Crossing series.

He’s been driving for over an hour and the steady drizzle has soaked through his clothes, making them cling to his skin, wet and heavy and cold enough to make him shiver. It’s a dark moment before dawn, the sleepless hours are weighing on Levi’s eyelids as he rides; he’s feeling more miserable by the second, and ever more so when he spots a sign by the side of the road that tells him he’s still hours away from reaching the city. He quickly considers stopping right there and then, walking the dirt bike into the woods by the road and slipping into his fur to catch a few hours of sleep, but the thought of pulling on his cold and wet clothes in the morning makes him shudder and he keeps riding instead.

He finds a better alternative a dozen or so miles down the road; a small town that turns out to have a cheap motel by a gas station – though not as cheap as Levi would’ve liked. Still, knowing it doesn’t make sense for him to keep riding through the rest of the night in the rain, he gets himself a room. It’s dingy and smells of too many people’s bodily fluids for Levi to feel very comfortable in it even if the blank walls didn’t remind him of the trailer park, but he throws his backpack down onto the less comfortable of the two single beds and undresses, hanging his clothes up to dry before having a quick shower he was hoping would be hot but turns out to be lukewarm at best. Afterwards he crawls into bed and draws the covers up to his chin, curling into a fetal position to get himself warm, but his body seems to be resisting and he stays up, shivering, until the first rays of sunlight start pushing into the room through its only window.

It’s the worst few hours of sleep Levi remembers ever getting, full of upsetting dreams that don’t make sense but leave him feeling uneasy. He gives up trying to get more sleep once his hunger grows into a pain in his gut and forces him out of bed. He walks the short distance over to the gas station, skulking and glancing around himself like he’s skipping English class or some stupid shit like that. He buys himself a pre-packaged sandwich, three bananas and a bottle of water, and when the man at the register turns around to talk to another customer, Levi seizes the opportunity and shoves a couple of candy bars and a small bottle of whiskey into his pocket before walking out of the store and back into his motel room.

Levi thought getting something to eat would make him feel better and ease some of the tension in his body, but even after he’s turned his meal into a scattering of banana peels and candy bar wrappers on his bed, the feeling remains; a constant stomach ache, and shivers that run over his body even after he wraps the covers around himself. He lies down and tries to get some more sleep, but his thoughts won’t stop racing and bringing up things he doesn’t want to think about: how Edith must’ve noticed he’s gone by then, how she’d be clutching his phone to her chest, maybe frantically looking for something else he might’ve left behind, a note, anything. He feels an annoying sting of guilt and remorse at the thought. It was easier when he was angry, when he could convince himself that no one really cared. He can still believe that of Erwin – but not of Edith, not now that the long ride on his dirt bike has driven out most of his disappointment and hatred.

Levi looks around the room, screwing up his face at the wallpaper that’s peeling off from its corners from the moisture that he can smell in the air. He wonders if he stayed in a motel like this with his mother on the way to the city after they left the trailer park – if they stayed in this exact motel, even – but he can’t remember. Even his memories of the city are hazy, let alone how they got there. The sound of a car driving past on the road outside the motel makes him think he remembers his mom driving with him in the back seat asking her to pull over so he could pee. It makes sense that she would’ve driven to the city and sold the car when she got there.

At that, Levi shoves his hand into his pocket and pulls out all the crumpled up dollar bills he’s stuffed into it, scattering them on the bed to count them, hissing a quiet swear. The night at the motel has already eaten into his savings more than he’s comfortable with and knowing he’ll need to fill up the tank of the dirt bike makes him even more nervous. If he won’t get the dirt bike sold the day he gets to the city, he’ll be sleeping under a bridge. Another car passes on the highway when Levi lies back down on the bed, the money tucked neatly into the drawer of the nightstand.

He manages to doze off for a couple more hours and wakes up to the sound of heavy rain beating against the motel roof, like every sound in the world outside of Levi’s room had suddenly turned into white noise. He shuffles over to the window and peers outside through a gap in the curtains, seeing nothing but a wall of grey that nearly obscures his dirt bike from view. Just his fucking luck. He groans when he walks back over to the bed and climbs between the sheets, yawning and switching the TV on to watch whatever brainless crap is on. It helps with the shivers that are starting to take over his body again, but when the unnecessary drama and drunken antics of a bunch of dumbass reality TV idiots don’t do the trick anymore, he opens the bottle of whiskey and starts drinking, feeling like he finally understands why Kenny does it so often.

He keeps an ear out for the rain to start easing, but when at 6 pm it’s coming down as hard as before, he skulks over to the reception and pays for another night, answering the acne-riddled receptionist’s small talk with grunts and nods to make sure he doesn’t smell the alcohol on his breath. He pulls his hood onto his head to keep dry when he runs back to his room and locks the door behind himself before taking another long swig out of his bottle. It seems to be helping, making him numb and making his mind quiet.

And still, when another car passes on the highway, Levi can’t help the sound drawing his attention. Something about the screeching of brakes on the wet road that follows right after makes the hair on his neck stand on end and he stays on his feet, hands slowly screwing the cap back onto the bottle of whiskey while he waits for the car to keep moving. Instead he can hear it turning around and driving over to the parking lot; the bang of the door slamming makes him shudder, though he’s not sure why. Probably just someone who doesn’t want to drive in the rain, someone who spotted the motel at the last second. The thought doesn’t make him feel less uneasy, and when splashing footsteps stop outside his door, Levi braces himself. The loud knocking still makes him jump.

“Levi!”

The scarred skin on his neck answers the call before any other part of his body gets a chance to react, heating up and sending shivers down his spine while his heart starts beating faster in his chest through the drunken stupor. He shifts his weight nervously on his feet and stares at the door when another set of knocking rings out.

“Levi,” Erwin calls out again. “Open the door.”

Levi draws a shallow breath, waiting a couple of seconds before releasing it. Without really knowing why, he tightens his hold around the bottle of whiskey and shoves it into the drawer of the nightstand. On the other side of the door, Erwin sighs heavily and knocks again.

“Please, open the door,” he says more quietly now, but still sternly enough to make Levi shudder. “I just want to talk.”

Levi bites his bottom lip for a second and scratches the back of his head, trying to calm the sudden surge of shame within himself long enough to make a decision. The liquor boils in his gut and clouds his mind and makes thinking straight feel like the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Finally, after rocking back and forth on his feet for a couple of seconds, Levi crosses the room quietly and grabs the doorknob. When Erwin’s scent reaches his nose, he hesitates, hand gripping the cold metal for a couple of seconds before he unhooks the safety lock and opens the door, taking a couple of clumsy steps backwards when Erwin pushes into the room, moving him aside by his shoulders and walking further to check there’s no one in the bathroom. Levi shuffles over to the bed, keeping his gaze on the ugly brown and orange patterning of the carpet.

“Are you alright?” Erwin asks him once he’s made sure the room is empty. “Are you alone? Is anyone else–”

Levi shakes his head, feeling a sudden spike of anger pushing through his embarrassment. Like he isn’t capable of making the decision to leave by himself. Like he couldn’t decide that he’s finally sick of being treated like a charity case.

“There’s no one else here?” Erwin asks again and Levi shrugs sullenly, sitting down on the bed when the floor starts to feel unsteady under his feet. “So you’re here voluntarily.”

It’s not a question; Levi can hear the confusion and hurt in the conclusion of it, in the way Erwin puts two and two together. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what he wants to say so he just shrugs again without speaking, bristling at the moment of anger he feels coming off Erwin. It makes him feel defiant and nervous, like he’s getting ready to defend himself against whatever Erwin is about to say.

“I don’t really know what to say,” the man starts, and Levi braces himself; the tone of his voice is bad enough.

Levi draws his head further between his shoulders and clutches his knees with his hands.

“I don’t understand how after everything you could just take off like that,” Erwin goes on. “Just take off without even leaving a note.”

“Right,” Levi mutters bitterly, the alcohol twisting his gut raising some acid into his mouth. “‘Cause I just decided to leave for fun. Not like I could have a real fucking reason.”

“So there’s a reason then?” Erwin asks, ignoring Levi’s dismissive scoff. “You mind sharing it?”

Levi grits his teeth. “None of your business,” he mutters, keeping his head down so Erwin won’t smell the whiskey on his breath. “Are we done here? ‘Cause I want–”

“Oh no,” Erwin interrupts him. “We are not done yet. I’m not leaving until you tell me why you left my pack. Left us all worried sick–”

“Well you can go back and tell everyone I’m fine if that’s what you’re here for,” Levi growls, his shame still burning his throat and cheeks, “because we’re finished here. So get out.”

Erwin stays quiet after a while, and a few nervous shudders run down his spine in the silence.

“Are you drunk?” the man asks him, sounding so disappointed it makes his anger spike in his chest.

“It’s none of your fucking business,” Levi barks, pointing shakily at the door. “I paid for this room and I don’t want you here. So get out.”

“No.”

“Yeah, you will,” Levi insists, biting his teeth together so hard he’s afraid they might break. “I told you, I don’t want you–”

“I’m not going anywhere until we figure this thing out,” Erwin tells him sternly and walks to the door, securing the safety lock on it before turning back to Levi. “I am not leaving until you tell me what this is all about.”

Levi grits his teeth again and folds his arms over his chest, staying quiet while Erwin’s heavy breathing fills the room.

“So what’s the plan?” he asks Levi after a moment of silence. “You’ll move to the city and then what?”

Levi doesn’t meet his eyes and doesn’t speak. There’s no way he’s going to tell Erwin he didn’t think that far ahead. No way he’ll give the asshole the satisfaction.

“Do you even know how packs work in the city?” Erwin goes on and Levi’s cheeks feel warmer again. “You thought you would just move there, get a job doing dishes or flipping burgers. Something like that?”

“Sounds good enough to me,” Levi mutters. “Not my problem if you’re too much of a fucking snob to think working at places like that is–”

“That is not my problem here, Levi,” Erwin interrupts him angrily. “That is not my problem. My problem is that you took off, left your home for something that you–”

“Home?” Levi repeats and scoffs. “Give me a fucking break.”

Erwin falls quiet again, and stays that way for long enough to make Levi feel guilty. “You don’t think it’s your home?” he finally asks; the question makes Levi’s insides ache. “You don’t think we’re your–”

“You know, I’ve told you everything I’m gonna tell you so you should just leave,” Levi interrupts him not to hear the end of his sentence.

“You haven’t told me anything,” Erwin says. “You haven’t told me anything about why you–”

“Because it’s none of your–”

“Do not tell me it’s none of my business, Levi!” Erwin barks, raising his voice and making Levi bare his teeth. “Do _not_ tell me that. I am your alpha. You are in my pack, and for as long as that’s the case, for as long as I’m responsible for–”

“I never fucking asked to join your fucking pack!” Levi shouts back at him, his hands clenching into fists as he gets to his feet. “I never asked you to take me in and make me your fucking charity case.”

“Is that what you think you are to us?” Erwin asks, and Levi can’t tell if he’s more confused or angry or hurt. “You can’t honestly think any of us see you as a charity case. Not after everything.”

“Well what the hell else am I supposed to think?” Levi asks and laughs dismissively. “Oh yeah, I forgot you drag people out of trailer parks every other day and make them feel like shit for who they are and where they come from and–”

“How have any of us made you feel like you’re–”

“–and pat yourselves on the back when you can throw some money around and put them in fancy schools and feel good about yourselves for taking in a charity case who–”

“You are not a charity case!” Erwin interrupts him angrily. “Not to me, not to anyone else in the pack! And I do not feel good about myself when I see you succeed, I just feel good _for_ you and I’m glad I can help you achieve–”

“Oh yeah, you’re really good at the helping, aren’t you?” Levi shoots back, voice full of bitterness. “So good that I had CPS dragging me back to Kenny after a whole three months.”

There’s something stunned about the short silence that falls, and suddenly Erwin’s anger is laced with hurt again.

“I apologized for that,” he tells Levi, sounding so resentful Levi has to grit his teeth. “When you came back, I said I made a mistake and I said I was sorry. You’re the one who said I didn’t need to. You’re the one who said you didn’t want to talk about it, that you didn’t need to talk–”

“That doesn’t even matter ‘cause that’s not what this is about!” Levi shouts over him, taking a step forward.

“So what is this about?” Erwin asks him, running both of his hands through his hair in frustration. “What is this _really_ about? About you feeling like… like you don’t belong? Is that it? That you’re not like the rest of us?”

Levi bites down and keeps quiet, folding his arms over his chest again, his hands still clenched into fists. He doesn’t look at Erwin, and wishes he wasn’t aware of all of his confusion and irritation and pain; he’s got enough to deal with in his own anger and embarrassment, and the resounding knowledge that no matter what happens, he can’t tell Erwin the truth, not now and not ever.

“I know it’s a different environment,” Erwin says, a little more calmly now, “and I know it’s a big adjustment to make. But… don’t you think it’s better? Better than what you had before?”

“Yeah,” Levi mutters bitterly, “‘cause who doesn’t like being treated like a fucking idiot and spoken to like–”

“Who?” Erwin asks him, voice again full of frustration. “Who in the pack treats you like you’re an idiot?”

Levi stays quiet again, thinking of all the evenings he spent sitting at the kitchen island, drudging through homework with Ansel, the old man explaining everything to him slowly and carefully as if he was talking to a child. And Levi still remembers the evening of his first day of school, having to admit to Erwin that he needed help with every subject, that he was that much of a stupid piece of shit. And he remembers Erwin’s shock at that admission, and his words. ‘None of us are here just to help you with your homework.’ Like it was the most time-consuming task in the fucking world.

“You know what?” Erwin says when Levi doesn’t speak. “I think you’re being very unfair.”

Levi’s anger flairs again. “ _I’m_ being un–”

“Yes, you,” Erwin interrupts him angrily, crossing his arms over his chest. “No one in the pack has been anything but nice to you. We’ve all gone out of our way to make you feel like–”

Levi’s loud scoff makes Erwin pause, but when Levi still doesn’t say anything, he continues.

“To make you feel like you’re welcome and wanted. And this is how you–”

“Biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” Levi mutters when he can’t keep the anger at bay anymore, shutting Erwin up for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry?”

“I said that’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” Levi repeats in a growl, lifting his gaze from the carpet and meeting Erwin’s eyes. “Are you fucking deaf? Do I need to fucking sign it–”

“How?” Erwin snaps. “How is it the biggest load of–”

“Because it is!” Levi shouts, taking another step forward, hoping Erwin will back away but the man doesn’t budge. “Because for it to not be a load of bullshit, it would have to be true, and it’s not fucking true!”

“How is it not?!” Erwin shouts back, the effort raising an ugly red shade on his cheeks. “Who in the pack has ever–”

“You!” Levi yells, the word slipping out even though he’s not sure he meant it. “Marie, Nile, Flagon, all of them!”

At that, Erwin takes a step back, confusion and guilt suddenly overtaking his anger when he asks, “Me?”

“Yes, you!” Levi barks, not caring anymore if it’s all coming out now. Might as well leave behind a clean slate. “I get that having me around is the biggest inconvenience in your life but you don’t have to make it so fucking obvious!”

“How have I–”

“How haven’t you?” Levi counters in a growl. “Ever since I came over you’ve treated me like I’ve got the fucking plague or some shit! Like I’m this diseased thing you don’t want to be in the same room with for longer than five fucking seconds–”

“I have not treated you like–”

“Yes you have!” Levi insists, not letting Erwin finish his sentence. “Back when I came over, whenever you were in the same room with me, it was like you couldn’t get out fast enough not to have to be around me!”

“Because it made you uncomfortable!” Erwin counters in frustration. “ _I_ made you uncomfortable! You think I couldn’t pick up on that?”

Levi stays quiet for a moment, trying to process Erwin’s words. “No,” he finally insists, shaking his head. “No, that’s not–”

“And again, why are you bringing this up now?” Erwin demands. “How long ago was this? A year? Why the hell didn’t you bring it up then? Why didn’t you–”

“Oh yeah, ‘cause I could’ve just walked into your office and asked you why you kept treating me like a fucking mangy–”

“Again, I did not treat you like–”

“Yes, you did!” Levi persists, feeling his heart racing in his chest. “The first moment you saw me at Kenny’s you were like… fucking… repulsed by me or some shit! Like you claiming someone could not have ended worse than that!”

Erwin stays quiet, and Levi doesn’t have to sense the confusion he feels; it’s written all over the frown tugging at his thick brows. Levi snorts.

“Yeah,” he snaps. “You think I couldn’t pick up on _that_?”

“What are you…” Erwin starts, shaking his head and staring at Levi like he has no idea what he’s talking about. “What do you mean, I was–”

“Don’t do that!” Levi barks. “Don’t act like you don’t know what you’ve done.”

“But I _don’t_ know!” Erwin counters, his confusion blending into anger. “Yes, when we first met, I was upset, I was upset because I had made a mistake, because I had claimed a minor! I was upset with myself, not with–”

“Yeah, right,” Levi snarls. “Like you were over the fucking moon when you realized you’d claimed someone like me.”

“I just told you I wasn’t,” Erwin interrupts him at once. “I was upset, I’ll admit that. But I was only upset _with myself_ , Levi, I wasn’t upset because there was anything wrong with you.”

Levi snorts and shakes his head. What a load of shit. Doesn’t even have the guts to fess up to what he’s been doing for months, how he’s been behaving ever since they met. Coward. A fucking–

“Everything I’ve done has been to make you as comfortable as possible,” Erwin says so sternly it makes the scar on Levi’s neck tingle. “I’ve done the best I can to keep my distance ever since I noticed how uncomfortable it made you to be around me. Ever since I claimed you I–”

“Yeah, why did you?” Levi snaps, clutching a hold of the only thing in what Erwin’s saying that makes any sense to him. “Why did you claim me? If it was such a shock to find out who I was, how old I was then why did you–”

“We have gone over this already,” Erwin barks. “I have explained it to you several times. I made a mistake, alright? I misread the situation, and I made a mistake, and I’ve been doing everything I can to make the best of a…”

“Of what?” Levi finishes for him when his words trail off. “Of a bad situation?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Erwin rushes to fix what he said, but all it earns from Levi is a dismissive snort. “I didn’t mean to say that you’re–”

“Yeah, sure you didn’t,” Levi says bitterly, the pain in his chest barring his breath. “Just like you didn’t mean for any of this to happen, right? You didn’t mean to claim a good for nothing kid like me and screw up your whole life–”

“Levi–”

“No, I get it,” he cuts Erwin off at the start. “You made a mistake. And this is me fixing it.”

“You know that’s not how I meant it,” Erwin says, something pleading in his voice. “And this is not how you fix anything. This is just you running away from your problems and the family you’ve–”

“I don’t have a family.”

“Yes, you do,” Erwin insist through gritted teeth. “We are your–”

“No, you’re not!” Levi shouts, shuddering with the anger coursing through his body. “Kenny was my family! He was the only family I had left and you took me away from him!”

“You think I don’t know that?!” Erwin yells, and the pain in his voice makes Levi flinch and take a step back. “You think I haven’t known that from the second I saw you?! You think I haven’t thought of that every day since you came to live with us?”

The moment of silence that follows is full of Erwin’s heavy breathing.

“You think it’s been easy for me to be around you?” he asks Levi next, his voice breaking a little. “You think it’s been easy to be confronted with this every day? With the knowledge that my lapse in judgment cost you your family and your home?”

Levi glares up at Erwin before turning his gaze back onto the floor, letting his anger drown out whatever sympathy his mind has managed to cook up for the man. So Erwin isn’t repulsed by him – it’s just that when he looks at Levi, all he can see is the mistake he made by claiming him. Guess it figures that he’d get the worst fucking consolation prize in the history of the universe.

“You’re right,” Erwin admits, sighing. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t think…” He pauses, and the wave of fresh guilt makes Levi bristle. “I didn’t think it would be like this. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you around, and it doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of our family. Just because my expectations were different, it doesn’t mean I’m not happy to get to know you and to have you in my–”

“Well from now on you’re not going to,” Levi tells him, flinching when the scarred skin of his neck tingles again. “I’m not coming back, so you should probably find a new hobby or something.”

Erwin sighs again; Levi can feel his stare when it makes the hairs on his arms stand on end.

“Where are you going to go?” he asks Levi calmly. “What are you going to do once you get there? Have you even thought about–”

“None of that is any of your business so you can just–”

“Really? We’re back to this now?” Erwin interrupts him, scoffing and shaking his head. “You know what? I can’t do this with you, Levi. If you would rather throw away your whole future then–”

“Right, because no one can have a future if you don’t give it to them on a fucking silver platter.”

“Me pointing out that you don’t have many prospects is not me being a snob, Levi,” Erwin counters so angrily that Levi takes a step back. “You have no money, you have no job, you haven’t even finished high school and you–”

“So what?!” Levi barks, baring his teeth. “I don’t care if I end up flipping burgers for the rest of my fucking life! At least I wouldn’t have to be around you and your ‘I made a mistake’ crap!”

“You agreed, a week ago you agreed that it was a mistake,” Erwin reminds him. “So why is it so terrible when _I_ say it? Why is it so terrible when–”

“You know what,” Levi snaps, all the anger and hurt in his body and mind finally reaching their peak; they make his hands shake when he continues. “If you want someone to tell you you’re a great guy or whatever the fuck, just run over to your alpha bitch and leave me the fuck alone.”

The words slip out of Levi’s mouth before he can stop them, and as soon as they have, the air in the room changes, electrifies, fills with Erwin’s confusion as it passes through his anger. Levi grits his teeth and tries to breathe from the frantic beating of his heart, his skin crawling while he debates whether he’d have a chance to make it out the door before Erwin speaks. He glances up at the man, suddenly remembering the whiskey he drank before and feeling it burning his stomach.

“How do you…?” Erwin starts and Levi braces himself, every muscle in his body tensing up. “How do you know about that?”

Levi doesn’t answer, doesn’t lift his gaze from the floor. Inside him the feelings are raging, from panic to relief and back to panic again. His ears are ringing from the silence that fills the room.

“Is that…” Erwin starts again, and Levi holds his breath. “Is that what this is about? You’re not…”

Levi can feel Erwin’s realization before he speaks, before he can ask the question Levi’s been dreading since the moment he last opened his mouth.

“Are you jealous?”

“Shut up,” Levi snaps, gritting his teeth not to let the sudden heat that coats the skin of his neck show on his face.

“Is that why you–”

“I said shut up,” Levi hisses, meeting Erwin’s gaze for a few scorching seconds, so afraid that all he’ll find in it is pity that as soon as he turns away, his hands go for his backpack at the foot of the bed.

“What are you doing?” Erwin asks him, and even through the haze in his mind, Levi picks up on the exhaustion in the man’s voice.

“What does it look like?” he mutters, shuddering when Erwin sighs.

“Levi,” he speaks calmly but firmly. “Levi, we need to talk–”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You can’t just leave,” Erwin tells him in frustration. “What are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life running from things that–”

“So what if I do?” Levi snaps, grabbing the half-empty bottle of whiskey from the drawer of the nightstand and shoving it into the backpack before zipping it up. “Not as if it’s going to affect your life in any way. Why would you care?”

“Of course it affects my life,” Erwin counters, sounding angrier again. “I don’t know where you get this idea from that whatever you do in your own life only has an effect on you but… Levi, you’re wrong.”

Levi’s hands falter, easing their hold on the backpack just as he’s about to swing it over his shoulder. He doesn’t turn around, doesn’t want to look at Erwin, still fearing the pity in his eyes.

“You’re a member of my pack,” Erwin tells him. “Everything you do has an effect on everyone else in the pack – especially something like this, you taking off without so much as an explanation.”

“Well, you have one now,” Levi mutters and shrugs the backpack onto his shoulder. “Are we done?”

“No, we’re not,” the man says firmly, taking a step toward his right, between Levi and the door, “and we won’t be until we’ve talked about what you just–”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” Levi hisses, turning around and baring his teeth. “And I’m sure as fuck not going to sit here and have you feel sorry for me, treating me like I’m a fucking idiot, like I don’t know that it’s not…”

His words trail off and the silence that takes their place is full of the unspoken, the tangled-up emotions that blend together so tightly that soon Levi can’t tell which ones of them are his and which ones are Erwin’s. It drags on, the calm, the quiet; like they’ve both suddenly run out of things to say. Eventually Levi lets the backpack fall down on the floor and he sits down on the bed, glancing up only when Erwin mimics the movement. He feels the bad kind of drunk now, the kind that makes him want to punch a wall, but his hands seem to weigh a ton and a half each, palms pressed against the suspicious sheets on the bed. Time passes, the evening darkens into night outside the motel window; even the rain eases.

“You said it was a mistake.”

Levi looks up when Erwin speaks, flinching a little when he clears his throat.

“At the lake,” the man goes on. “I told you I thought we were compatible, and you said it was a mistake.”

Levi shudders and turns his gaze back to the ugly carpet under his tennis shoes, his heel drumming a nervous, muffled beat against it. He senses Erwin’s eyes on him but can’t meet his gaze. He bites his lip and struggles to think, about the night at the lake, about what he said, about compatibility – whatever the hell it means, anyway.

“You don’t feel it,” Erwin says; a statement, made without judgment, but Levi can still feel the ache that bleeds into it.

The question sits on Levi’s tongue, heavy and stinging: what does it feel like? How do you know? Is it wanting to be around someone all the time? Is it wanting him to touch you so badly that your body hurts from it? Is it printing out studies about the environment and sneaking around in his room when he’s not around? But when he glances up at Erwin, he can’t speak, can’t get the words out even though he feels himself choking on them. The silence stretches on again, heavy and humming.

“Levi.” Erwin’s voice is calm and quiet. “It’s not easy for me to be attracted to you.”

Levi looks up, hand shooting up to the back of his neck as soon as his eyes meet Erwin’s. He doesn’t look away this time, doesn’t rush to avoid the things Erwin feels: the caring, the scared, the insecure. Levi faces them all mutely, wondering if Erwin knows, whether he can read the things he doesn’t say.

“What do you want to do?”

Levi bites his lip and turns away, staring at the tips of his tennis shoes, glancing up at sliver of night he can see through the gap in the curtains. He can see his backpack on the floor from the corner of his eye, like a dark shadow at the edge of his vision. Erwin doesn’t speak, doesn’t rush him; just sits there, waiting, meeting Levi’s gaze when he looks up again.

“Can we go home?”

A nod and a smile, and they’re packing up the pick-up, fingers growing numb in the drizzling rain.

 

The next morning Levi wakes with a grueling hangover, and still the thing that makes him cringe is not the nausea or the headache but the hazy memories he has of Erwin pulling up to the house, of Edith and Ansel running out to the porch to greet him. He expected to get scolded, but the guilt and shame that followed Edith’s tears of relief felt much worse than being told off. He still feels both when he walks downstairs to the kitchen, stifling a groan when he sits down and smells what’s left over of Ansel’s tofu scramble opposite on the table.

“So what sort are you?” Edith asks him, walking over to the kitchen island. “The greasy hangover food sort or the–”

“Please,” Levi mutters, leaning his forehead onto his arms, “can I just get a green smoothie with lots of apples? Just apples and something refreshing? Nothing too sweet?”

She nods quickly and grants his wish while Ansel keeps Levi busy with a lecture about the effects and dangers of alcohol. He’s surprisingly serious, and even takes a moment to tell Levi he’s not angry, just disappointed; Levi can’t help cringing at that.

“It’s especially dangerous for young people,” he’s still explaining when Levi takes his first sip out of his glass; Granny Smiths, lime and mint – just what he needs. He turns around to thank Edith, but she has disappeared. “That’s why I still regard our laws as superior to European ones. This really isn’t something you want to start playing around with.”

“No, I get it,” Levi mutters, feebly holding his head up high enough to catch the rim of the glass with his mouth. He sits up as soon as Erwin walks into the room though, suddenly feeling a lot more alert than he did a few seconds ago.

“Good morning,” Erwin wishes him on his way to the coffee maker and Levi just about manages a nod back. He was afraid he would’ve forgotten everything while he slept, but the whole conversation is still there, every word Erwin said burning his mind and making the skin of his neck sweat. “A bad one?”

“It’s alright,” Levi fibs and clears his throat, taking another large gulp of his smoothie. “Just… you know. Getting hydrated.”

“I’ve been telling him about the dangers of the drink,” Ansel says and slaps Levi on the shoulder, almost making him spill his smoothie. “I wasn’t sure if you had lectured him properly last night.”

“We did touch upon the subject,” Erwin says, placing the lid back onto his keep warm cup, “but I’m glad someone else is helping in hammering down the message.”

“This headache is doing the job for the both of you,” Levi tells them, glaring at Erwin when he laughs.

“I remember my first hangover,” he says and grimaces. “I honestly thought I’d never–”

His words cut off when the door opens across the room, drawing his gaze. Levi turns around as well, catching the familiar scent only a second before he sees the man, standing suddenly there in the kitchen, looking like the Grim Reaper in his wide-brimmed hat and long leather jacket. Edith beckons him to follow her farther into the room, walking past the kitchen island to the counters.

“Coffee?” she asks Kenny over her shoulder, voice steady, like for some inexplicable reason she’s not surprised to see him there.

“Nah. I’m not staying,” Kenny tells her without a thank you.

Levi’s eyes are glued to the man when he walks over to the island and throws a wrinkly and tattered file onto it before lifting up a rectangular box of hard plastic with hinges at one end and a small handle at the other.

“Birth certificate, some photos, all the school papers I could find,” he says gruffly without looking any of them in the eye. “Your mom liked recording herself on tape so I packed them up too. Might even hear your old man on one or two of them. But don’t go getting your hopes up, ‘cause he was dead the last I heard.”

Levi tears his eyes away from Kenny just long enough to glance at the box on the table.

“He’s all yours now,” Kenny says, turning to look at Erwin whose keep warm cup sits forgotten in mid-air. “You’ll not hear from me again about it.”

Without so much as a glance at any of the rest of them, the man turns on his heels and walks out of the kitchen, taking those long, march-like steps Levi used to try and copy as a kid, jumping from one footprint to another on the muddy grounds of the house. Levi catches a last sight of him through the kitchen window before he disappears beyond the frame. The silence he left behind lingers, breaking only when Levi pulls the plastic case across the kitchen island and opens it. Six cassette tapes, all in a neat row, a few of them with years written on the spine in thick black marker: 1996, 1997.

“You alright?”

Levi looks up at Erwin and nods, closing the lid of the case and smoothing its surface with his hand.

“Yeah,” he says and nods again. “I’m good now.”


End file.
